20歲的光陰不再來

黃連英

When I was in my 20s， I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

記得見我的第一位心理咨詢顧客時，我才20多歲。當(dāng)時我是加利福尼亞大學(xué)伯克利分校的臨床心理學(xué)在讀博士生。我的第一位顧客是一名叫Alex的26歲女性。

Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top， and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this， I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client. And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle.

第一次見面Alex穿著牛仔褲和寬松上衣走進(jìn)來，她一下子倒在我辦公室的沙發(fā)上，踢掉腳上的平底鞋，跟我說她想談?wù)勱P(guān)于男生的問題。當(dāng)時我聽到這個話題后松了一口氣。因?yàn)槲彝瑢W(xué)的第一個顧客是縱火犯，而我的顧客卻是一個20出頭想談?wù)勀猩呐?。我覺得我可以搞定。

But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session， it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.

但是我沒有搞定。Alex不斷地講有趣的事情，而我只能簡單地點(diǎn)頭認(rèn)同她所說的話，很自然地就陷入了附和的狀態(tài)。

"Thirty's the new 20，" Alex would say， and as far as I could tell， she's right. Work happened later， marriage happened later， kids happened later， even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.

Alex說：“30歲是一個新的20歲?！睕]錯，我告訴她：“你是對的?！惫ぷ鬟€早，結(jié)婚還早，生孩子還早，甚至死亡也還早。像Alex和我這樣20多歲的人，什么都沒有但時間多的是。

But before long， my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said， "Sure， she's dating down with a knucklehead， but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said， "Not yet， but she might marry the next one. Besides， the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."

但不久之后，我的導(dǎo)師就要我向Alex的感情生活施壓。我反駁說：“確實(shí)，她現(xiàn)在和一個傻瓜男生約會，但看樣子她不會和他結(jié)婚的。”而我的導(dǎo)師說：“不著急，她也許會和下一個男生結(jié)婚。但修復(fù)Alex婚姻的最好時期是她還沒擁有婚姻的時期?！?/p>

That's what psychologists call an "Aha！" moment. That was the moment I realized that 30 is not the new 20. Yes， people settle down later than they used to， but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

這就是心理學(xué)家說的“頓悟時刻”。正是那個時候我才意識到，30歲不是一個新的20歲。的確，和以前的人相比，現(xiàn)在的人們更晚才安定下來，但是這不代表Alex就能長期處于20多歲的發(fā)展停機(jī)狀態(tài)。

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot， and we were sitting? there? blowing it. That was when I realized that benign neglect was a real problem， and it had real consequences， not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twenty somethings everywhere.

現(xiàn)在的人們更晚安定下來，那就應(yīng)該讓Alex的20多歲成為發(fā)展的黃金時段，而我們卻坐在這里忽視這個發(fā)展的時機(jī)。從那時起我意識到這種無意的忽視是一個大問題，它不僅給Alex本身和她的感情生活帶來不良后果，而且影響到處于20多歲的人的事業(yè)、家庭和未來。

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population， or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

現(xiàn)在在美國，20多歲的人有五千萬，也就是15%的人口，或者可以說所有人口，因?yàn)樗谐赡耆硕家?jīng)歷他們的20多歲。

So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every one of those 50 million twen-tysomethings deserves to know what psychologists， sociologists， neurologists and fertility specialists already know： that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest， yet most transformative things you can do for work， for love， for your happiness， maybe even for the world.

因此我專門研究了20多歲的人，因?yàn)槲艺J(rèn)為這五千萬的20多歲的人，每一個人都應(yīng)該去了解那些心理學(xué)家、社會學(xué)家、神經(jīng)學(xué)家和生育專家已經(jīng)知道的事實(shí)：你的20多歲是極簡單卻極具變化的時期之一。你20多歲的時光決定了你的事業(yè)、愛情、幸福甚至整個世界。

This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.

這不是我的看法，這些是事實(shí)。我們知道80%決定你人生的時刻發(fā)生在35歲之前。這就意味著你人生的重要決定、經(jīng)歷和突然的領(lǐng)悟，有八成是在你30多歲之前發(fā)生的。

We know the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood， which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself， now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life， and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28， and things get tricky after age 35.

我們知道人在20多歲的時候大腦停止第二次也是最后一次重組，以適應(yīng)成年世界的快速發(fā)育階段。這就意味著不管你想怎樣改變自己，但現(xiàn)在就是時間改變了。我們知道在20多歲的時候，性格的改變多于生命中任何時期。我們也知道女性的最佳生育時期在28歲的時候達(dá)到頂峰，35歲之后生育變得困難。

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.Consequently， when we think about child development， we all know the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary， day-to-day life has an huge? impact on who you will become.

所以你的20多歲正是了解你自身和做選擇的時期。因此，當(dāng)我們想到孩童的成長時，我們都知道1-5歲是大腦學(xué)習(xí)語言和感知的重要時期。那是一個日常的普通生活都會對你的未來道路影響巨大的時期。

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Some journalists often fabricate silly nicknames for Twentysomethings such as "twixters" and "kidults". It's true.? As a culture， we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

研究者稱20多歲是延長的青春期。記者就引用傻傻的外號稱呼20多歲的人，比如“徘徊者”和“大小孩”。確實(shí)，作為一種文化，我們所忽視的正是對成年起到?jīng)Q定性作用的十年（從20歲到30歲）。

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things， you need a plan and not quite enough time. Isn't that true？ So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say， "You have 10 extra years to start your life"？ What do you think it has changed？ Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition， and absolutely nothing happens.

雷昂納德·伯恩斯坦說過：“要想取得成就，你需要一個計劃和緊迫的時間。”這是大實(shí)話?。∷援?dāng)你拍著一個20多歲的人的腦袋，跟他說：“你有額外的10年去開始你的生活。”你覺得這改變了什么？什么都沒改變。你只是奪走了那個人的緊迫感和雄心壯志，絕對沒有改變什么。

Then every day， smart， interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this： "I know my boyfriend's no good for me， but this rela-tionship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say， "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30， I'll be fine."

然后每一天，那些聰明有趣的20多歲的人就像你們和你們的兒子、女兒一樣，走入我的辦公室開始說：“我知道我的男朋友對我不夠好，但是我們的關(guān)系不算數(shù)。我只是在消磨時光而已。”或者他們會說：“每個人都告訴我只要能在30歲的時候開始我的事業(yè)，這就足夠了。”

But then it starts to sound like this： "My 20s are almost over， and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this： "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around it and having fun， but then sometime around 30 it's? like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down."

但是這些話實(shí)際聽上去卻是：“我馬上就要30歲了，卻根本就沒有東西展示。我只是在大學(xué)畢業(yè)時有過一份最漂亮的簡歷。”或是這樣：“我20多歲時的約會就像搶椅子游戲。每個人都繞著椅子跑，隨便玩一玩，但是快30歲的時候就像音樂停止了，所有人開始坐下?！?/p>

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s， there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career， pick a city， partner up， and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible， and as research is just starting to show， simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

當(dāng)很多事都被堆積到你30多歲的時候，就會有巨大壓力，在很短的時間內(nèi)快速啟動一項(xiàng)事業(yè)，挑一個城市，找到伴侶，生兩三個孩子。這些事大多是不能同時完成的，正如研究表明，在30歲的時候想要工作、生活一步到位的難度很高，壓力很大。

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves， and at me， sitting across the room，saying about their 20s， "What was I doing？ What was I thinking？" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

太多三四十歲的人看看他們自己，看看我，坐在屋子里談?wù)撟约旱?0多歲，“我當(dāng)時都干什么了？我當(dāng)時都想啥了？”我想改變那些現(xiàn)在20多歲的人的所思所為。

Thirty is not the new 20， so claim your adulthood， get some identity capital， use your weak ties， pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.

30歲不是一個新的20歲，所以規(guī)劃好你的成年生活，獲得一些身份認(rèn)同資本，利用你的弱關(guān)系，選擇你的家庭。不要被你所不知道的，從未做過的事所禁錮。你現(xiàn)在的作為決定著你的人生。

（本文摘自TED官網(wǎng)：https：//www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20？language=zh-cn）