柑橘

Theyve gone now， and Im alone at last. I have the whole night ahead of me， and I wont waste a single moment of it. I shant sleep it away. I wont dream it away either. I mustnt， because every moment of it will be far too precious. I want to try and remember everything， just as it was， just as it happened. Ive had nearly eighteen years of yesterdays and tomorrows， and tonight I must remember as many of them as I can.

Tonight， more than any other night of my life， I want to feel alive.

Charlie is taking me by the hand， leading me because he knows I dont want to go. My boots are strange and heavy on my feet. My heart is heavy too， because I dread what I am going to. Charlie has told me often how terrible this schoolplace is： about Mr. Munnings and his raging tempers and the long whipping cane he hangs on the wall above his desk. Big Joe doesnt have to go to school and I dont think thats fair at all. Hes much older than me and hes never been to school. He stays at home with Mother， and sits up in his tree singing Oranges and Lemons， and laughing.

“Piggyback？”says Charlie. He sees my eyes full of tears and knows how it is. Charlie always knows how it is. So I hop up and cling on tight， crying behind my closed eyes， trying not to whimper out loud.

When I open my eyes， I see a dead crow hanging from the fence， his beak open. I am not sorry for him. It could be him that drove away my robin and emptied her nest of her eggs. My eggs. Five of them there had been， live and warm under my fingers. But something made me draw back. The robin was watching me from Fathers rose bush， her black and beady eyes unblinking， begging me.

Father was in that birds eyes. Under the rose bush， deep down， buried in the damp and wormy earth were all his precious things. Mother had put his pipe in first. Then Charlie laid his hobnail boots side by side. Big Joe knelt down and covered the boots in Fathers old scarf.

“Your turn， Tommo，” Mother said. But I couldnt bring myself to do it. I was holding the gloves hed worn the morning he died. I knew what they did not know， what I could never tell them.

Mother helped me do it in the end， so that Fathers gloves lay there on top of his scarf， palms uppermost， thumbs touching.

Charlie is finding the hill up into the village hard going. My mouth is dry with fear. I cling on tighter.

“First days the worst， Tommo，” Charlies saying. “Its not so bad. Honest.” Whenever Charlie says “honest”， I know its not true. “Anyway Ill look after you.”

The school bell rings and we line up in two silent rows， about twenty children in each. I recognise some of them from my Sunday school.

Then I see Mr. Munnings standing on the school steps cracking his knuckles. He has tufty cheeks and a big belly under his waistcoat. Its his eyes that are frightening and I know they are searching me out.

“Aha！” he cries， pointing right at me. “A new boy， a new boy to add to my trials and tribulations. Was not one Peaceful enough？ First a Charlie Peaceful， and now Thomas Peaceful. Is there no end to my woes？”

We file past him， hands behind our backs. Charlie smiles across at me as the two lines part： “Tiddlers” into my classroom， “Bigguns” into his.

“Thomas，” Miss McAllister tells me， “you will be sitting there， next to Molly. And your laces are undone.”

Everyone seems to be tittering at me as I take my place. All I want to do is to escape， to run， but I dont dare do it. I hang my head so they cant see my tears corning.

“Crying wont tie your laces up， you know，” Miss McAllister says. “I cant， Miss…”

“Cant is not a word we use in my class， Thomas Peaceful，” she says. “We shall just have to teach you to tie your bootlaces. Thats what were all here for， Thomas， to learn. You show him， Molly. Shell help you.”

So while she calls the roll Molly kneels down in front of me and does up my laces. Then she looks up at me at last and smiles. Its all I need. Suddenly I no longer want to run home. I want to stay here with Molly. I know I have a friend.

At home we dont wear boots， except for church. Mother does of course， and Father always wore his great hobnail boots， the boots he died in. Hed often take me off to work with him， to keep me out of mischief， he said. Id ride up behind him on Billyboy and hang on around his waist， my face pressed into his back. We galloped all the way that morning up through Fords Cleave Wood.

There were badger holes and fox holes to peer into， flowers to pick， or butterflies to chase. But that morning I found a mouse， a dead mouse. I buried it under a pile of leaves. Father was chopping away rhythmically nearby， grunting and groaning at every stroke as he always did. It sounded at first as if Father was just groaning a bit louder. But then， the sound seemed to be coming from somewhere high up in the branches.

I looked up to see the great tree above me swaying. Only slowly did I realise it was coming down， that when it fell it would fall right on top of me， that I was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. I stood and stared， mesmerised at the gradual fall of it.

I hear Father shouting： “Tommo！ Tommo！ Run， Tommo！”But I cant. I see Father running towards me through the trees， his shirt flailing. I feel him catch me up and toss me aside in one movement. There is a roaring thunder in my ears and then no more.

When I wake I crawl over to where he is lying， pinned to the ground under the leafy crown of the great tree. One arm is outstretched towards me， his glove fallen off， his finger pointing at me.

He is not breathing. When I shout at him， when I shake him， he does not wake up. I pick up his glove.

In the church were sitting side by side in the front row， Mother， Big Joe， Charlie and me. Its where the Colonel and his family always sit. The coffin rests on trestles， my father inside in his Sunday suit.

The Colonel gets up into the pulpit and declares that James Peaceful was one of the best workers he has ever known. In all his thirty years as a forester on the estate， James Peaceful had never once been late for work and was a credit to his family and his village.

Afterwards we all gather round the grave and Fathers lowered down， The earth thuds and thumps down on the coffin behind us as we drift away， leaving him.

We walk home together along the deep lanes. Big Joe plucking at the foxgloves and none of us has any tears to cry or words to say. Me least of all. For I have inside me a secret so horrible， a secret I can never tell anyone， not even Charlie. Father neednt have died that morning in Fords Cleave Wood. He was trying to save me. If only I had tried to save myself， if I had run， he would not now be lying dead in his coffin. As Mother smoothes my hair， all I can think is： I have caused this. I have killed my own father.

現(xiàn)在，他們都走了，終于只剩下我一個(gè)人。眼前有一整夜的時(shí)間，我不會(huì)浪費(fèi)一分一秒。我不會(huì)把時(shí)間浪費(fèi)在睡眠上，也不會(huì)把時(shí)間浪費(fèi)在做夢上。一定不能，每一分每一秒都彌足珍貴。我想要盡力把所有發(fā)生過的事情都回憶一遍。我擁有將近十八年的日夜，而今夜，我必須竭盡所能地一一回憶起這些日子。

今晚的我，比生命中的任何一晚都更想感受活著這件事。

查理牽著我的手領(lǐng)著我，他知道我不想去。我的靴子很重、很不舒服。我的心情也很沉重，因?yàn)槲液芎ε录磳⒁サ哪莻€(gè)地方。查理以前常常跟我說，學(xué)校是個(gè)可怕的地方：芒寧斯先生和他暴躁的脾氣以及那條掛在墻上、講臺(tái)上方的教鞭。大個(gè)子喬不用上學(xué)，我覺得這一點(diǎn)也不公平，他可比我大得多了。他從來都不用上學(xué)，他留在家里和媽媽呆在一塊兒，坐在樹上唱著《柑橘與檸檬啊》，然后大笑。

“我背你？”查理說道。他看到我滿眼淚水，知道了我是怎么一回事。查理總是知道事情是怎么一回事。我跳上了他的背，緊緊抓牢，閉著眼睛啜泣，竭力不讓自己嗚咽出聲。

我睜開雙眼，看見籬笆上掛著一只嘴巴張開的死烏鴉。我不可憐它。把我的知更鳥趕走，然后弄走所有鳥蛋的兇手可能就是它。我的鳥蛋。五枚溫暖、有生命的蛋曾經(jīng)就在我手指下，但是有件事讓我縮了手。那只知更鳥正停在爸爸的玫瑰花叢上看著我，它那雙烏黑圓潤的眼睛一眨不眨地看著我，乞求我。

爸爸出現(xiàn)在那只鳥的眼里，他所有珍貴的物品都被埋在了玫瑰花叢底下那潮濕長蟲的泥土里。媽媽首先把他的煙斗放了下去，然后查理把他的平頭釘靴并排放入。大個(gè)子喬跪在地上，用爸爸的舊圍巾蓋住靴子。

“該你了，小托，”媽媽說。但我什么也做不了。我拿著爸爸死去那天戴著的手套。我知道一件他們都不知道的事，一件我永遠(yuǎn)也沒辦法開口告訴他們的事。

最后，媽媽幫了我，爸爸的手套就這樣被放在了圍巾上面，手套的掌心朝上，拇指相碰。

查理感覺走上通往村子的斜坡很吃力。恐懼讓我口干舌燥。我抓得更緊了。

“第一天是最糟糕的，小托，”查理說?！疤拱渍f，沒那么糟糕?！泵看尾槔碚f“坦白說”時(shí)，我就知道他在說謊?！盁o論如何，我會(huì)看著你的?！?/p>

學(xué)校的鈴聲響起，我們排成兩個(gè)安靜的列隊(duì)，每列約二十個(gè)學(xué)生。我認(rèn)出有些人也是主日學(xué)校的學(xué)生。

然后我看到了站在階梯上的芒寧斯先生，他正在壓響指關(guān)節(jié)。他滿臉胡須，馬甲下挺著個(gè)大肚子。最令人害怕的是他的目光，我知道他在搜尋著我。

“啊哈！”他大聲叫道，直直地指著我?！靶聛淼哪泻?，又有個(gè)新來的男孩要來經(jīng)受我的試煉和考驗(yàn)了。一個(gè)皮思福還不夠嗎？先是查理·皮思福，現(xiàn)在又來了個(gè)托馬斯·皮思福。我受的折磨還不夠嗎？”

我們把手放在背后，越過他魚貫而入。當(dāng)兩支列隊(duì)分開時(shí)，查理對(duì)我笑了笑，“小跟班”進(jìn)了我的這間教室，“大人物”進(jìn)了他的那間。

“托馬斯，”麥克阿麗斯特老師對(duì)我說，“你就坐在那里，茉莉的旁邊。還有，你的鞋帶沒綁?！?/p>

我坐下后，似乎每個(gè)人都在偷偷笑我。我只想逃離這里，跑出去，但我不敢。我低下頭，不讓他們看到我成串的眼淚。

“哭可不能讓你的鞋帶綁好，你知道的，”麥克阿麗斯特老師說?！拔也粫?huì)綁，老師……”

“我?guī)У陌嗉?jí)可不會(huì)出現(xiàn)“不會(huì)” 這個(gè)詞，托馬斯·皮思福，”她說。“看來我們得教你系鞋帶了。這就是我們到這里來的理由，托馬斯，來學(xué)習(xí)。你示范給他看，茉莉。她會(huì)幫你的?！?/p>

因此，在她點(diǎn)名后，茉莉就跪在了我面前，幫我系鞋帶。最后，她抬起頭看向我，對(duì)我微微一笑。這就是我需要的。我頓時(shí)不再想跑回家了。我想留在這里，和茉莉一塊。我知道我有一個(gè)朋友了。

我們?cè)诩沂遣淮┭プ拥模耸侨ソ烫玫臅r(shí)候。當(dāng)然，媽媽有穿，爸爸也有，他總是穿著那雙好看的平頭釘靴，他死去時(shí)穿著的那雙。他經(jīng)常會(huì)帶著我去工作，為了不讓我調(diào)皮搗蛋，他這樣說。我會(huì)騎上比利小子，坐在爸爸后面，摟著他的腰，臉緊緊挨著他的背。那天早上，我們向著福特德斯克里夫森林一路疾馳。

在那里，我可以窺探獾和狐貍的洞穴，或者采花撲蝶。但是那天早上，我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一只死老鼠。我用一堆樹葉把它埋了起來。爸爸正在附近伐木，很有節(jié)奏。如以往一般，他每砍一下，就哼哼一聲。起初，我以為爸爸不過是哼得大聲了一點(diǎn)。但接著，那聲音聽起來似乎是從上面的樹枝傳來的。

我抬起頭，看見我頭上的那棵大樹正在搖搖欲墜。片刻后，我才反應(yīng)過來它正在往下倒，如果它倒下，就會(huì)直直砸在我身上，我就會(huì)死去，但我什么也做不了。我整個(gè)人僵住了，一動(dòng)不動(dòng)地看著它慢慢倒下。

我聽到爸爸在大喊：“小托！小托！快跑，小托！”但我動(dòng)不了。我看見爸爸穿過樹林朝我跑過來，他的襯衫在揮舞。我感覺到他抱起了我，把我扔到一邊。耳邊傳來一陣轟鳴，然后我就失去了意識(shí)。

我醒來后，爬到了他躺著的地方。他被大樹那蔥郁的樹冠壓在地上，一只手臂正朝我伸來，他的手套落在了地上，手指正指著我。

他停止了呼吸。任我朝他大叫，搖晃他的身體，他都沒有醒來。我撿起了他的手套。

我們并肩坐在教堂前排，媽媽、大個(gè)子喬、查理和我。這個(gè)位置通常都是上校和他家人坐的。棺木被放在了架子上，爸爸穿著他做禮拜時(shí)所穿的衣服，躺在里面。

上校走上了講道壇講話，他說詹姆斯·皮思福是在他所認(rèn)識(shí)的工人中表現(xiàn)最好的其中一個(gè)。在詹姆斯·皮思福從事林務(wù)員一職的三十年里，他從來也沒有遲到過，他是家人與村民的榮耀。

然后，我們?nèi)紘诹四寡ㄖ車?，爸爸被放了下去。我們漸漸散去，把爸爸留在那兒，一把把泥土被撒到了棺木上，發(fā)出一陣陣聲響。

我們沿著長長的鄉(xiāng)間小路走回家。大個(gè)兒喬在采摘毛地黃，我們所有人都已經(jīng)哭不出眼淚，說不出話來了，尤其是我。因?yàn)槲倚睦锊刂粋€(gè)可怕的秘密，一個(gè)我永遠(yuǎn)也無法對(duì)別人說出口的秘密，包括查理。那天早上，爸爸本不用死在福特德斯克里夫森林的。他是為了救我。如果我當(dāng)時(shí)能夠自救，如果我能跑開，那么爸爸現(xiàn)在就不會(huì)一動(dòng)不動(dòng)地躺在棺木里。當(dāng)媽媽撫摸我的頭發(fā)時(shí)，我腦海里想的全是： 這一切都是我造成的，是我害死了爸爸。

一面之辭

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused， and one man raised his hand.

“I cant hear out of my left ear，” the man told the judge.

“Can you hear out of your right ear？” the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

“Youll be allowed to serve on the jury，” the judge declared. “We only listen to one side of the case at a time.”

一位法官問我們這群候補(bǔ)陪審員是否有人應(yīng)當(dāng)免權(quán)。一個(gè)人舉起了手。

“我的左耳聽不見?！蹦侨烁嬖V法官。

“你的右邊耳朵聽得見嗎？”法官問道。那人點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭。

“你將被允許加入陪審團(tuán)，”法官宣布?！拔覀兠看沃宦犚幻嬷o。”