Lost and Found 失而復(fù)得

高齊云

I liked being a mess. The desk that should have been clear so I could do my homework was always besieged1 with bowls of cereal and spoiled milk， old magazines， and Post-it notes I had forgotten to remember. My floor was a vacuum2 in itself， eating anything entering my room. It consumed3 sweaters， stuffed4 animals， socks， shoes. When I occasionally5 did laundry， I would dig up clothes I couldnt even recall buying. My shelves overflowed with containers of little odds and ends： hair bands， chopstick， matches， loose mints， coins， earrings. I couldnt always see these things， but I knew that they were safe， nestled somewhere on a shelf. Like old friends in a phone book， I figured that someday I would find all the loose strings6 and tie them together.

我喜歡弄得一團(tuán)糟。桌子本應(yīng)該是整潔的，這樣我就可以做家庭作業(yè)，但我總是被一碗碗的麥片粥、變質(zhì)的牛奶、舊雜志和我忘記的便利貼包圍著。我的地板本身就是一個(gè)真空，吃掉了進(jìn)入我房間的任何東西，吞進(jìn)了毛衣、毛絨動(dòng)物、襪子、鞋子。當(dāng)我偶爾洗衣服時(shí)，會(huì)挖出我甚至不記得購(gòu)買(mǎi)過(guò)的衣服。我的書(shū)架上堆滿了容器，里面都是一些零碎物品：發(fā)帶、唇膏、火柴、松散的薄荷糖、硬幣、耳環(huán)。我不是總能看得到這些東西，但我知道它們是安全的，就待在貨架上的某個(gè)地方。就像電話簿中的老朋友一樣，我想有一天我會(huì)找到所有松散的繩子，將它們串起來(lái)。

One lonely day in August when all of my friends had yet to return from camp in Maine， visiting family in Florida， or some community-service trip in Mexico， something inside me began to itch7. I tried taking a shower， scrubbing myself with every bodywash and bar of soap I could find. I brushed my hair and my teeth， but didnt feel any cleaner. I checked my e-mail， which was empty. I checked the DVR to see if any new shows had been recorded， but I had already seen everything.

八月里一個(gè)孤獨(dú)的日子，我所有的朋友有的還沒(méi)有從緬因州的營(yíng)地回來(lái)，有的拜訪佛羅里達(dá)的家人，或者在某個(gè)墨西哥社區(qū)服務(wù)旅行，我內(nèi)心的某些東西開(kāi)始蠢蠢欲動(dòng)。我試著洗澡，用我能找到的每一種沐浴露和肥皂擦洗自己。我梳洗頭發(fā)，刷牙，但感覺(jué)不到變干凈了。我檢查了電子郵件，是空的。我檢查了DVR，看是否錄制了任何新節(jié)目，但我已經(jīng)看過(guò)所有內(nèi)容。

I went downstairs and found my brother playing video games， my mom on the phone， and my dad in his study—everyone in their right place. I told my mom that something didnt feel right， and she suggested that for once I should clean my room. The thought itself made me nauseous8. I went upstairs to sulk9， feeling so overwhelmed10 that I might as well have been floundering11 without a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

我下樓發(fā)現(xiàn)哥哥在玩電子游戲，媽媽在打電話，爸爸在書(shū)房——每個(gè)人都在他們?cè)摯牡胤?。我告訴媽媽感覺(jué)有點(diǎn)不對(duì)勁，她建議我應(yīng)該至少打掃一次房間。這個(gè)想法讓我感到惡心。我上樓生起了悶氣，感到不知所措，以至于像在沒(méi)有船的情況下在大西洋中掙扎。

I stood in the middle of the cluttered12 room， breathing in the dirty air that I had become so used to. In the silence of that moment， I began to hear the clock ticking. I became aware of the moldy13 smell. I noticed that a spider had spun a shimmering14 line from my lamp to the top of my mirror. I shivered in disgust. I remembered that winter how my stuffed animal， had fallen behind my dresser and I hadnt noticed until I caught the repulsive15 scent of her fur burning against the heater， until it was too late and she was covered in brown spots.

我站在雜亂的房間中央，呼吸著已經(jīng)習(xí)以為常的污濁空氣。在那一刻的沉默中，我開(kāi)始聽(tīng)到時(shí)鐘滴答作響，開(kāi)始聞到發(fā)霉的氣味。我注意到一只蜘蛛從燈上吐出一根閃爍的絲，落到了鏡子頂部。我厭惡地顫抖著。記得那個(gè)冬天，我的毛絨動(dòng)物玩具是怎么落在我的梳妝臺(tái)后面，直到我發(fā)現(xiàn)它的皮毛在加熱器上燃燒的惡心氣味，但為時(shí)已晚，它身上到處都是燒焦的褐色斑點(diǎn)。

I suddenly felt sympathy for everything in my room that I had buried， never to be seen again. Lost items I had blocked out for years made their way back into my brain： my favorite yellow tank top， the picture of my mom and me on that boat in Jamaica， my baseball card collection.

我突然很同情埋葬在房間里的一切，它們?cè)僖膊粫?huì)被人看見(jiàn)。多年來(lái)被我封鎖的失物回到了我的腦中：我最喜歡的黃色背心，媽媽和我在牙買(mǎi)加那艘船上的照片，我收藏的棒球卡片。

I had an urge to dive under my bed and uncover everything lurking in the murky16 depths of dust， and to climb up into the highest corners of my closet and save items that had been mingling17 with the spiders. The innocent piles were growing higher and higher until they were looming monsters before my eyes. They were threatening to swallow me whole. I had to get rid of them. And so I started to clean.

我有一種沖動(dòng)想要潛入床下，發(fā)現(xiàn)隱藏在陰暗深處的一切，然后爬上壁櫥最高的角落，拯救與蜘蛛混在一起的物品。這些無(wú)辜的東西越堆越高，直到變成我眼前隱約可見(jiàn)的怪物，威脅著要把我吞沒(méi)。我不得不擺脫它們，所以我開(kāi)始清理。

In a box buried under old textbooks， I found a letter that my Poppy had written me at camp. I hadnt thought of him since his funeral. I suddenly remembered the thrill of running through cold sprinklers18 with my cousins， the spicy smell of barbecue mixing with the salty air at his beach house. I remembered my dad rocking me to sleep the night Poppy died， and how the tears wouldnt stop.

在一個(gè)埋藏在舊教科書(shū)下的盒子里，我找到了一封信，是波比在露營(yíng)時(shí)寫(xiě)給我的信。自從他的葬禮以后，我沒(méi)有想起過(guò)他。我突然想起了與我的表兄弟一起奔跑著穿過(guò)冷水車(chē)時(shí)的快感，燒烤的辛辣氣味與他家那間海濱別墅里的咸味空氣混合在一起。我記得波比死的那晚，爸爸搖晃著哄我睡覺(jué)，還有怎么也停不下來(lái)的眼淚。

I sat with his picture， blocking out the rest of the mess around me. I was in the middle of a storm， but I sat there and studied him until I had memorized every line in his face. Tears began to roll down my cheeks again. It was like the sound of heavy rain pounding on a roof at the end of a drought19.

我和他的照片坐在一起，擋住了周?chē)钠渌麃y七八糟的東西。我正處于暴風(fēng)雨中，但我坐在那里端詳他，直到記住他臉上的每一根線條。淚水開(kāi)始再次滾落我的臉頰，就像在干旱結(jié)束時(shí)大雨在屋頂上敲擊的聲音。

In the drawer next to my bed， I found a friendship bracelet from my childhood best friend， Aubrey. She had given it to me before she moved to California. I touched the green and purple pattern with my thumb， realizing that I hadnt spoken to her in years. The next day I called her， and we talked all night， laughing about memories like dressing up as the Spice Girls for Halloween. She reminded me of the time we built a family of snowmen in my backyard and had a funeral for them when theyd melted. I had lost so many precious childhood memories over time， letting them slip away into the tide like sand. It was the kind of conversation you never want to end because for each moment we talked， it felt like a bucket collecting droplets of water from a leak20.

在我床邊的抽屜里，我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)友誼手鐲，它是我兒時(shí)最好的朋友奧布里在搬去加利福尼亞之前送給我的。我用拇指摸索著上面綠色和紫色的圖案，意識(shí)到我多年沒(méi)跟她說(shuō)話了。第二天我打電話給她，我們聊了一整夜，笑著回憶在萬(wàn)圣節(jié)“辣妹”一樣的打扮。她讓我想起了我們?cè)诤笤憾蚜搜┤艘患业臅r(shí)光，并在它們?nèi)诨瘯r(shí)為它們舉行了葬禮。隨著時(shí)間的推移，我失去了許多寶貴的童年記憶，讓它們像沙一樣流走。這是你永遠(yuǎn)不想結(jié)束的那種談話，因?yàn)樵谖覀冋勗挼拿總€(gè)時(shí)刻，都像一個(gè)水桶從滲漏處收集水滴。

Under my bed I even found that picture of my mom and me in Jamaica. I had forgotten how clear the water had looked from our ship， but what really caught my attention， though， was my image. I had buck teeth， short hair， and pimples covering my face. I stared at that girl， barely able to recognize this person who had drowned in the mess of my room so many years before. I decided to completely change my room so that all the books， belts， and baskets were in their right place. It was like finding the missing pieces of the puzzle.

在床下，我甚至找到了媽媽和我在牙買(mǎi)加的照片。我忘記了從船上看水有多么清澈，但真正引起我注意的是我的樣子。我長(zhǎng)著齙牙、留著短發(fā)，臉上長(zhǎng)滿了青春痘。我盯著那個(gè)女孩，幾乎沒(méi)能認(rèn)出這個(gè)多年前淹沒(méi)在我房間里的人。我決定徹底改造我的房間，把所有的書(shū)籍、腰帶和籃子都放在正確的位置，就像尋找拼圖缺失的部分。

The finishing touch was framing that photo and hanging it high up on my wall. After all， it was me I had been searching for.

畫(huà)龍點(diǎn)睛之處是將那張照片放進(jìn)相框，掛在墻上。畢竟，“我”才是我一直在尋找的東西。

摘自：teenink.com