雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（6）：段落內(nèi)邏輯必須清晰明了

在英語(yǔ)寫(xiě)作課上，相信很多同學(xué)都聽(tīng)老師說(shuō)過(guò)要給段落寫(xiě)主題句，也就是topic sentence，然后整個(gè)段落再圍繞這個(gè)主題句展開(kāi)（當(dāng)然展開(kāi)的方式就多種多樣的了）。那么為什么要寫(xiě)主題句呢？是不是所有段落都必須寫(xiě)主題句？老雅認(rèn)為，主題句很重要，尤其對(duì)初學(xué)者而言，老師規(guī)定必須寫(xiě)主題句也是合理的，因?yàn)檫@樣可以確保每個(gè)段落只表達(dá)一個(gè)明確的觀點(diǎn)。如果沒(méi)有主題句，很多學(xué)生可能會(huì)在一個(gè)段落里寫(xiě)出兩個(gè)以上觀點(diǎn)來(lái)，從而破壞段落觀點(diǎn)的唯一性原則。當(dāng)然，對(duì)于有經(jīng)驗(yàn)的寫(xiě)作老手來(lái)說(shuō)，不寫(xiě)主題句，一樣能夠讓讀者輕松get到他在段落中表達(dá)的唯一觀點(diǎn)，但對(duì)多數(shù)以6分、7分為目標(biāo)的烤鴨而言，老雅強(qiáng)烈建議大家養(yǎng)成寫(xiě)段落主題句的習(xí)慣。

主題句寫(xiě)出來(lái)之后，后面的句子就要對(duì)主題句進(jìn)行適度展開(kāi)。這里需要注意兩個(gè)問(wèn)題：一是不能在同一段引入與主題句不同的新觀點(diǎn)，二是句子之間要保持恰當(dāng)?shù)倪壿嬯P(guān)系，共同為主題句服務(wù)。恰恰在這個(gè)方面，很多同學(xué)都不太注意。寫(xiě)下主題句后，在后面的論證過(guò)程中似乎忘記了主題句，散漫隨意地論證，結(jié)果造成段落內(nèi)邏輯松散，甚至前后矛盾。這樣的作文勢(shì)必給考官造成極大的閱讀困難，分?jǐn)?shù)拉低就在所難免了。本期老雅給大家修改一篇學(xué)生習(xí)作，該習(xí)作在段落論證中出現(xiàn)了較大問(wèn)題，請(qǐng)大家看老雅是如何修改的。

題目

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages？

學(xué)生習(xí)作

There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

評(píng)分：6

總評(píng)：結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，能圍繞主題展開(kāi)討論，能用英語(yǔ)比較正確地表達(dá)自己的思想，詞匯量不錯(cuò)，明顯語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤較少，標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)方面沒(méi)有什么錯(cuò)誤。但是，段落內(nèi)論證方式需要更加清晰，邏輯需要更加合理，句與句之間的關(guān)聯(lián)需要更加緊密。從本篇習(xí)作看，稍加改進(jìn)，作文得分可有較大提升。

逐句修改

第1段：There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅修改】There is a huge public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages of charging an admission fee outweigh its disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】開(kāi)頭段引出話題，表明觀點(diǎn)，中規(guī)中矩。老雅修改不大。若需要進(jìn)一步提高得分，需要考慮在作文開(kāi)頭凸顯個(gè)性。比如，本題可考慮使用一個(gè)知名事件來(lái)引入話題：Just a few years ago， New York Cosmopolitan Art Museum went into a lawsuit because of the admission fee it charged. This raises questions among the public about whether museums should charge for entrance and if they should， how much the fee should be. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

第2段：Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

【老雅修改】Museums serve multiple functions and for every one of them the visitors should pay. Spending out on weekends with family members or friends in a museum is enjoyable as well as enlightening. A history museum narrates stories about a nation’s past， and an art museum brings the original drawings of many famous artists like Da Vinci to the visitors. So， for the thrilling experience and the precious knowledge， the visitors have every reason to support the museum by paying the admission fee. As we know， the day-to-day running and maintenance of a museum are rather costly， and the government budget is not always available， so the entrance fee from the visitors is sometimes extremely important for the survival of a museum.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段講人們需要支付博物館門票的第一個(gè)理由。原文區(qū)分博物館對(duì)三種人的不同功能，卻沒(méi)有說(shuō)清楚人們?yōu)槭裁匆獮檫@三種功能支付門票。作者似乎忘記了，本文要論證的是人們?yōu)槭裁葱枰I門票，而不是博物館的功能。因此，本段的主題句就不合適，因?yàn)樗怀龅氖遣┪镳^的不同功能，而不是為什么人們應(yīng)該買門票。接下來(lái)本段重點(diǎn)也不是在論證買門票的重要性，只是到了最后兩句才回到段落的主題。這樣，本段就顯得脫離了本文的主題，使文章讀起來(lái)缺乏邏輯，這個(gè)問(wèn)題在下一段也同樣存在。老雅修改的時(shí)候，在第一句（也就是段落主題句）就點(diǎn)出visitors should pay for the multiple functions of museums，這就扣到主題了。接下來(lái)主要從enjoyable和enlightening兩個(gè)方面說(shuō)博物館能夠帶給visitors什么（舉歷史博物館和藝術(shù)博物館為例）。最后再補(bǔ)一句，說(shuō)明游客的這些錢對(duì)博物館的日常運(yùn)營(yíng)非常重要。

第3段：Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

【老雅修改】 Admittedly， admission fee may become the barrier to keep people from entering the museum. Yet， quite paradoxically， the money visitors pay can actually improve their experience in the museum because they will make more preparations before their visit. If the visitors do not have to spend a penny， they will more often than not enter the Picasso Museum and then walk out of it without learning anything. This is， of course， a great shame because the visitors take the free admission for granted and have not checked for more information about Picasso and when then do get in， they cannot benefit from exchanging ideas with people around.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】與第二段一樣，本段大部分篇幅講游客不做準(zhǔn)備去博物館會(huì)怎樣，但沒(méi)有聯(lián)系到為什么游客應(yīng)該買門票，讀起來(lái)感覺(jué)有些偏題了。其實(shí)，作者想表達(dá)的邏輯是清楚的：游客付錢后，就會(huì)認(rèn)真準(zhǔn)備，但是如果免費(fèi)，他們就可能不做準(zhǔn)備，這樣就算參觀了博物館也什么都學(xué)不到——因此，支付門票是好的。但原文里這個(gè)邏輯是暗含的，沒(méi)有明確出來(lái)，而老雅修改文則把這個(gè)邏輯說(shuō)得更清晰直接。

第4段：Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

【老雅修改】 Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums. By paying the entrance fee， we are contributing to the preservation of the humankind’s most valuable assets.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】最后結(jié)論段寫(xiě)得很精彩，但是在we are contributing to...前面應(yīng)該加上by paying the entrance fee。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?□

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