雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（5）：你還在寫(xiě)流水句嗎？

在雅思寫(xiě)作考官給定的評(píng)分細(xì)則里，經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)“本作文的標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)使用有不少問(wèn)題”的評(píng)語(yǔ)。很多同學(xué)不太明白這個(gè)標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)問(wèn)題究竟指的是什么。其實(shí)，對(duì)中國(guó)學(xué)生而言，標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)問(wèn)題往往出現(xiàn)在該用句號(hào)的時(shí)候卻用逗號(hào)，從而造成所謂的“流水句”（run-on sentence）。流水句寫(xiě)得多了，分?jǐn)?shù)也會(huì)無(wú)可奈何隨之流走，非?？上?。

很麻煩的是，中國(guó)學(xué)生中的英語(yǔ)流水句現(xiàn)象非常普遍，而且難以根除。老雅曾經(jīng)在某個(gè)作文班一開(kāi)始時(shí)就與學(xué)生打賭：課程結(jié)束之后，如果你們的英語(yǔ)作文中完全根除了流水句，那老雅就請(qǐng)全班吃飯！學(xué)生們都發(fā)誓不犯這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤。但到最后，老雅還是在學(xué)生的作文中發(fā)現(xiàn)了兩例十分典型的流水句，讓全班其他同學(xué)的努力付之東流。那么，為什么中國(guó)學(xué)生非常容易寫(xiě)出英語(yǔ)流水句來(lái)呢？究其原因，還是因?yàn)橹形恼Z(yǔ)法的影響。原來(lái)，中文里使用流水句完全是自然、合法的！隨便摘錄一句中文“我們要保護(hù)環(huán)境，這很重要”，我們肯定使用逗號(hào)，而不會(huì)使用句號(hào)。但若按照中文將這句轉(zhuǎn)化為英語(yǔ)“We should protect the environment， this is important.”那就是標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的流水句了，因?yàn)椤癢e should protect the environment”已經(jīng)是一個(gè)完整的句子，而“this is important”也是一個(gè)完整的句子，這兩個(gè)完整的句子之間必須要有連接詞來(lái)表達(dá)它們之間的關(guān)系，這才符合英語(yǔ)語(yǔ)法要求。因此，這個(gè)句子可以按照以下方式修改：

A. We should protect the environment. This is important.

B. We should protect the environment， and this is important.

C. We should protect the environment， which is important.

本期老雅給大家修改一篇學(xué)生習(xí)作，該作文中出現(xiàn)了多次流水句現(xiàn)象，希望各位烤鴨能從本次修改文中吸取教訓(xùn)，在今后的寫(xiě)作中避免此類(lèi)問(wèn)題，不再給考官留下扣分的理由。

題目

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

學(xué)生習(xí)作

With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

評(píng)分：5.5

總評(píng)：具有一定的英語(yǔ)表達(dá)能力;能用英語(yǔ)表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)并對(duì)其進(jìn)行一定程度的論證;邏輯基本清楚（個(gè)別地方模糊），詞匯能達(dá)意（有不少錯(cuò)誤），句型能傳達(dá)思想（有較多錯(cuò)誤，個(gè)別地方影響讀者理解）。需要在語(yǔ)言表達(dá)準(zhǔn)確度上進(jìn)一步努力。

逐句修改

第1段：With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

【老雅修改】As the interaction among people increases day by day， many schools have regarded it as the most important thing to develop children’s sense of competition. However， some people still insist that cooperation with others makes children more useful when they grow up. In my view， sense of competition and cooperation are equally significant for children’s growth.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 作為開(kāi)頭段，基本合格，老雅僅僅做了部分語(yǔ)言調(diào)整。2. with the development of interaction between human beings這個(gè)表達(dá)是很奇怪的，interaction怎么會(huì)發(fā)展？顯然，這里想說(shuō)的是人類(lèi)之間的交往越來(lái)越多，可改為：as the interaction among people increases...。3. can makes是一個(gè)絕對(duì)的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤。4. In the following essay...，這是個(gè)套路句子，請(qǐng)盡量避免。應(yīng)該直接表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)。

第2段：Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅修改】As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well-paying company. And this realization might give impetus to teenagers to be diligent and work hard. Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a‘warm up’ for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 本段寫(xiě)培養(yǎng)競(jìng)爭(zhēng)意識(shí)的好處，原文基本意思表達(dá)清楚。2. 原文有一個(gè)不太好的傾向：在兩個(gè)意思有關(guān)聯(lián)的句子之間，不用連接詞，從而讓句子成為“流水句”。比如：

A. Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition.

前后兩個(gè)獨(dú)立句子之間，用from this相連接，而且都是逗號(hào)，這是受漢語(yǔ)語(yǔ)法影響的結(jié)果。英語(yǔ)中，需要把兩個(gè)句子用句號(hào)分開(kāi)，或者把其中一個(gè)句子變成從句，可修改為：As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. [把前面一句變成原因狀語(yǔ)從句]

B. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable.

這同樣是個(gè)流水句，因?yàn)榍懊媸且粋€(gè)獨(dú)立句子，后面又是一個(gè)獨(dú)立句子，兩者用逗號(hào)連接，而且沒(méi)有任何連接詞。修改為：

Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a “warm up” for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. [把后面一句變成原因狀語(yǔ)從句]

第3段：By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

【老雅修改】However， only competition is not enough to train children into useful adults when they grow up， for corporation is also extremely important. First， as the decisions made by a team are always more reliable and feasible， the products a team makes can be ensured in quality because together， they can provide better and all-round ideas. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand each other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 本段講合作的好處。論述顯得比較薄弱，而且有些句子無(wú)法讀懂，邏輯也比較混亂，是本習(xí)作中最糟糕的一個(gè)段落。可以這樣論證：合作可以讓學(xué)生學(xué)會(huì)如何與人打交道，如何溝通協(xié)調(diào)，為了一個(gè)共同的目標(biāo)做出自己的努力。將來(lái)學(xué)生在工作中往往不需要單打獨(dú)斗，往往需要與人合作，因此合作尤其重要。2. By contrast不太合適，此處是轉(zhuǎn)折，應(yīng)該用However。3. 第一句還是流水句，修改文中添加了for就規(guī)避了這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤！4. 本段最大問(wèn)題是這句：... corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. 這里要講的原因到底是什么？是說(shuō)合作能夠帶來(lái)更可靠的決定，還是合作能夠帶來(lái)更好的產(chǎn)品。我的理解是合作首先帶來(lái)更可靠的決定，然后才是帶來(lái)更好的產(chǎn)品。寫(xiě)作中一定要理順?biāo)枷胫g的關(guān)系，顛倒后就讓人無(wú)法讀懂。

第4段：Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

【老雅修改】 In conclusion， although the sense of competition is very necessary， the ability to cooperate with others cannot be ignored. So teachers should cultivate children’s sense of competition and develop their skills to corporate.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 結(jié)論段意思上沒(méi)有大問(wèn)題，但語(yǔ)法上錯(cuò)誤也不少。2. conclusively 還是用in conclusion。3. the usage of cooperation這個(gè)表達(dá)非常奇怪，是“合作的用法”嗎？4. cannot be ignore應(yīng)該是cannot be ignored。5. should improving應(yīng)該是should improve。

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