Drinking Tales

By Hai Fei

The favorite thing for the drinkers in Tongshan Town is to watch the sunset at dusk. It is as if they have all become frozen statues nailed down into the town center of Tongshan, with their faces raised up watching the red clouds darken little by little, fading out into twilight. Afterwards they all gather at Hai Banxian’s tavern where they spend pleasant nights time and again.

The tavern offers free food and drink after ten o’clock at night.Maid Cuiping, cooks her best dish,five-spice beef, and all of a sudden the place is filled with drinkers.

One evening, Hai Banxian, the owner, made an announcement to the drinkers saying, “Free food and drink is ok tonight, but you shall follow a rule: everyone needs to tell their own personal drinking stories, which shall be new and interesting; whoever can tell the best story will win a large jar of Seven-Step Drunk.”

Zhang San vied to be the first and ran to the front of the liquor cabinet. When he was twelve he went into town with his dad to buy two large jugs of Tongshan Liquor for celebrating the New Year. His dad pulled the cart while he pushed from behind. While they were happily chatting, their cart happened to get stuck in a pit of mud. One of the wheels went askew, both of the large jugs slid off and fell on the ground and the fragrance of liquor was everywhere. Zhang San was left dumbfounded, scratching at his scalp. His dad yelled at him,“What are you standing there for?Waiting for some food to go with your liquor? Hurry up and drink!”The two of them got down on their stomachs and drank up all of the liquor on the splintered fragments of the large jugs.

Zhang San said, “It’s a good story, right?”

Li Si replied, “Compared to mine, it’s nothing.”

Li Si said there was one year when he sent his wife back to her family’s home for the summer.He’d been out and had drunk his fill and was staggering home.On the way he remembered that they still had a quarter of a liter of Tongshan Liquor at the house and his itching to continue drinking slowly grew stronger.To his surprise, as soon as he had reached his destination he fell over. As he was crawling up he felt broad beans all over the ground and was secretly quite pleased by his discovery. He grabbed a couple of handfuls, put them in his pocket and felt his way home in a blur. As soon as he made it inside the first thing he did was to roast the beans. He poured himself a drink and had a snack.He found the beans kind of hard and tough to chew. The flavor,though, was absolutely fantastic.He figured that the beans were just a bit old and finished up the quarter liter of Tongshan Liquor.The next day, after sobering up,he saw a tableful of pebbles and was stupefied. He had a smell and they still had a scent of brine on them. Then he had a taste—they were salty! As it turns out, the night before when he was drunk he actually mistook the small rocks for fava beans.

While everyone was roaring with laughter, a man came in from outside shouting that he wanted some Seven-Step Drunk. Mr. Hai greeted him with prayer-like hands and asked how many milliliters he wanted.

The man asked: “Milliliters? You are kidding me!Haven’t you heard of the alcohol hero, Song Wanli?Give me two and half liters.”

Hai Banxian said, “Mr. Song, Seven-Step Drunk has a reputation, most drinkers can only drink one hundred and fifty milliliters. Anything more than that, they’ll pass out drunk.”

Song Wanli laughed heartily. After he finished laughing he took out two silver dollars and put them on the counter. He then grabbed the Seven-Step Drunk from across the counter, took off the large jug’s lid and chugged three large mouthfuls. After which he put down the large jar down in front of Hai Banxian, sneering at him. What he drank was in the least a quarter of a liter.

Hai told him to go for a little walk.

Song Wanli walked steadily, he took one step,two steps, three steps… He continued laughing scornfully, joking, “What seven steps? I could even walk to Shanghai…” Hardly had his voice faded away when he collapsed on the ground.

Hai checked his breath, “No problem. Guys, carry him to the bed. Make sure you cover him with a blanket; we don’t want him to get cold now. Alright!Continue telling your stories.”

The next day, the drinkers all returned as if on schedule. Wang Wu told his drinking story.

Many years ago, Wang Wu went into town and filled up a bottle of Tongshan Liquor, but he was upset because there wasn’t any money left for food to go with it. He saw someone selling crabs, he waited until they were busy then broke off a crab leg and snuck off home. He had a lick of crab leg, a sip of Tongshan Liquor and continued avidly into the small hours of the night. The candle went out butWang Wu groped around in the dark and continued drinking. He wasn’t paying attention and the crab leg fell onto the ground, he felt around and managed to find it and pick it up. He used his clothes to wipe it off and continued drinking. When the bottle went empty, he poured in water and rinsed it, which he drank again.Lastly, he put the crab leg safely on the table, planning to continue the next day. He got up the next day at noon and saw that the crab leg was still on the floor and there was an iron nail lying on the table.The rust was licked spotlessly offof the nail.

Everyone was laughing incessantly—it was a superb story.

Wang Wu asked if he could have the large jar of Seven-Step Drunk now or not.

Hai Banxian said, “Let’s listen to some other stories first, I need to have a look at the alcohol hero first.”

Song Wanli was still in a drunken condition. Hai then came back and told everyone to continue.

On the third day, Zhao Liu pushed up his sleeves and told his drinking story.

Last year, Zhao Liu, was returning to Tongshan Town from Shaoxing with a friend. When it was time to go home, they were busy drinking and missed their train. The two of them decided to walk back instead, they took out two bottles of alcohol from their luggage, walking next to the railway line they walked and drank. There were trains rumbling past on either side so they held on to each other to stay safe. They were singing Shaoxing opera songs out of key and out of tune, happy as it is.

They were drinking and drinking, when Zhao Liu,perplexedly, said, “My goodness,how is this ladder so tall? We can’t even climb to the end.”

His friend replied, “Yeah,absolutely, this ladder is going to pass through the heavens at this rate.”

Zhao Liu patted his leg andquestioned, “Is this really a tall ladder? Are we going to become immortals?”

His friend said, “Yeah,totally, we’re going to be alcohol immortals.”

Just then someone ran over yelling, “Danger! Danger! Get off of there!”

His friend asked, “What’s all this shouting about?”

Zhao Liu said, “They’re shouting that there is danger. You see:there’s no handrail on this ladder!Of course it’s dangerous. Hey!Don’t pull at me, don’t pull at me.” Suddenly, a bucket of water sobered them up.

Zhao Liu felt water all over his face and thought, “Haven’t we reached heaven yet?”

The people leered at them,“Reach heaven? You’re going to make it to the Palace of the King of Hell at this rate.” The two drunkards thought that the railway track was their stairway to heaven.

Everyone was convulsed with laughter. Hai Banxian almost spat out his alcohol. Zhao Liu gestured towards the Seven-Step Drunk,but Hai told him to wait for other stories and that it was about time for the alcohol hero to wake up.

Hai walked into the room and knocked on the bed saying, “It’s almost time to get up now.”

Soon, Song Wanli opened his eyes and jumped out of bed. He nodded to Hai, covered his mouth and left the room without uttering a single word. He nodded towards everyone in the tavern and exited.All the drinkers started making an uproar, “That’s the freeloader! He didn’t even tell a story.”

Three days later the large jar of the Seven-Step Drunk still hadn’t been claimed by anyone.That evening while one of the storytellers was at the height of his enthusiasm a woman walked in wearing a surgical mask. Behind her she was dragging a tacit man.All the customers looked and saw that it was the alcohol hero.

The woman took off the mask,“Mr. Hai, give me my man back.”

Hai Banxian replied, “Isn’t your man in the palm of your hand?How am I supposed to return him to you?”

The woman said, “This devil of a man has sat silent for three days and three nights since returning home. He didn’t eat, drink and even speak. He’s turned into a mannequin. Give me back my original man.”

Then, Song Wanli, slowly started to open his mouth, he took a deep breath and then slowly let it out.Immediately a matchless sweetsmelling liquor aroma permeated throughout the tavern and all of the drinkers started getting dizzy.

Song Wanli began explaining,“The first day, I went home and fed the sheep, and the sheep all knelt over drunk. The second day,I fed the dogs and dogs all blacked out. The third day I went to feed the chickens and they all became knocked out drunk. I’ve kept my mouth shut for three days. Seven-Step Drunk can be that crazy. It really is a first rate liquor.”

The woman said, “If I didn’t wear a surgical mask, I would have already passed out drunk on the side of the road just pulling him here.”

Hai Banxian asked all the customers, “Who has told such a fresh and interesting story like this?”

The drinkers in the tavern all looked at one another in dismay but nobody said a word. A moment later there was thunderous applause throughout it. Hai took the large jar of liquor and handed it to Song Wanli’s wife saying,“Alcohol is a good thing, but you can only have it in moderation.In the future if you’re drinking,you shouldn’t have more than one hundred and fifty milliliters with each meal. It’ll help you cultivate your vital energy, invigorate your blood circulation and it’s good for your vitality. Your husband is in good health, after this drunken experience he’ll live an extra ten years.”