受教者

By Tara Westover

The Educated（還未出中文版本，暫譯《受教者》）是一本回憶錄，作者塔拉·韋斯托弗（Tara Westover， 1986— ）出生于美國愛達荷州的一個摩門教家庭。家中有七個孩子，她是最小的一個。父親經營一個廢品場，是個生存主義者，他不相信政府，抗拒現(xiàn)代醫(yī)療和學校教育，患有嚴重的躁郁癥，對家庭擁有絕對的控制權。他帶領家人深挖洞、廣積糧，隨時準備迎接世界末日的到來。母親自制草藥并替人接生，一切聽從丈夫的旨意。二哥肖恩（Shawn）虐待和威脅塔拉和她的姐姐，多次把她的頭按進馬桶里，可是她們的父母以宗教和家庭團結為由，對此視而不見并試圖修改她們的記憶。

17歲前的塔拉沒有上過一天學，后來在三哥泰勒（Tyler）的影響下，她躲著父親靠自學通過了ACT考試（American College Test），并進入猶他州的楊百翰大學（Brigham Young University）學習歷史專業(yè)。大學教育令塔拉脫胎換骨，開始重新審視自己的家庭、人生和世界。她特殊的背景和經歷、聰慧的天資和獨特的視角，以及驚人的毅力和韌性使她獲得了蓋茨劍橋獎學金并拿到了碩士學位。2014年，塔拉又回到劍橋攻讀博士學位，后來還成為哈佛大學的訪問學者。然而無論她如何努力，卻都無法改變自己的父母和暴戾的二哥。在絕望中她決定與她的原生家庭徹底決裂。

這一期選登的內容涉及塔拉的父親跟祖母在觀念和飲食上的沖突，父親禁止全家喝牛奶，堅持要他們喝蜂蜜吃黃油；母親為了孩子的未來準備給他們辦理出生證明，卻發(fā)現(xiàn)無法提供孩子們確切的出生日期；三兒子提出要去上大學，卻遭到父親的強烈反對。

A year after my father told us that story， we gathered one evening to hear him read aloud from Isaiah（《以賽亞書》，《圣經·舊約》中的一卷）， a prophecy（預言）about Immanuel（以馬內利，耶穌基督的別稱）. He sat on our mustardcolored（深黃色的）sofa， a large Bible open in his lap. Mother was next to him. The rest of us were strewn across the shaggy brown carpet（分散坐在粗糙的棕色地毯上）.

“Butter and honey shall we eat，” Dad droned（低沉地說）， low and monotone（單調的）， weary from a long day hauling scrap（搬運廢品）. “That he may know to refuse the evil， and choose the good.”

There was a heavy pause. We sat quietly.

My father was not a tall man but he was able to command a room. He had a presence about him， the solemnity of an oracle（傳神諭者）. His hands were thick and leathery—the hands of a man whod been hard at work all his life—and they grasped the Bible firmly.

He read the passage aloud a second time， then a third， then a fourth. With each repetition the pitch（音高）of his voice climbed higher. His eyes， which moments before had been swollen with fatigue， were now wide and alert. There was a divine doctrine here， he said. He would inquire of the Lord.

The next morning Dad purged（清除）our fridge of milk， yogurt and cheese， and that evening when he came home， his truck was loaded with fifty gallons of honey.

“Isaiah doesnt say which is evil， butter or honey，” Dad said， grinning as my brothers lugged the white tubs to the basement. “But if you ask， the Lord will tell you！”

When Dad read the verse to his mother， she laughed in his face， “I got some pennies in my purse，” she said. “You better take them. Theyll be all the sense you got.”

Grandma had a thin， angular face and an endless store of faux（假的）Indian jewelry， all silver and turquoise（青綠色的）， which hung in clumps from her spindly（細長的）neck and fingers. Because she lived down the hill from us， near the highway， we called her Grandma-down-the-hill. This was to distinguish her from our mothers mother， who we called Grandmaover-in-town because she lived fifteen miles south， in the only town in the county， which had a single stoplight and a grocery store.

Dad and his mother got along like two cats with their tails tied together（兩只爭斗到底的貓）. They could talk for a week and not agree about anything， but they were tethered（拴系）by their devotion to the mountain. My fathers family had been living at the base of Bucks Peak for half a century. Grandmas daughters had married and moved away， but my father stayed， building a shabby yellow house， which he would never quite finish， just up the hill from his mothers， at the base of the mountain， and plunking a junkyard（經營一個廢品場）—one of several—next to her manicured（修剪過的）lawn.

They argued daily， about the mess from the junkyard but more often about us kids. Grandma thought we should be in school and not， as she put it，“roaming the mountain like savages.” Dad said public school was a ploy（策略，手段）by the Government to lead children away from God. “I may as well surrender my kids to the devil himself，” he said， “as send them down the road to that school.”

God told Dad to share the revelation（啟示）with the people who lived and farmed in the shadow of Bucks Peak. On Sundays， nearly everyone gathered at the church， a hickory-colored（山核桃木顏色的）chapel just off the highway with the small， restrained steeple（尖塔）common to Mormon churches. Dad cornered（迫至一隅）fathers as they left their pews（教堂長椅）. He started with his cousin Jim， who listened good-naturedly while Dad waved his Bible and explained the sinfulness of milk. Jim grinned， then clapped Dad on the shoulder and said no righteous God would deprive a man of homemade strawberry ice cream on a hot summer afternoon. Jims wife tugged on（拽拉）his arm. As he slid past us I caught a whiff（一股味道）of manure（肥料）. Then I remembered： the big dairy farm a mile north of Bucks Peak， that was Jims.

After Dad took up preaching against milk， Grandma jammed her fridge full of it. She and Grandpa only drank skim（脫脂牛奶）but pretty soon it was all there—two percent， whole， even chocolate. She seemed to believe this was an important line to hold.

Breakfast became a test of loyalty. Every morning， my family sat around a large table of reworked red oak and ate either seven-grain（七種谷物的）cereal， with honey and molasses（糖漿）， or seven-grain pancakes， also with honey and molasses. Because there were nine of us， the pancakes were never cooked all the way through. I didnt mind the cereal if I could soak it in milk， letting the cream gather up the grist（磨碎的谷物）and seep into the pellets（小球，小團）， but since the revelation wed been having it with water. It was like eating a bowl of mud.

Luke was fifteen when he asked Mother if he could have a birth certificate. He wanted to enroll in Drivers Ed because Tony， our oldest brother， was making good money driving rigs（大卡車）hauling gravel（碎石）， which he could do because he had a license. Shawn and Tyler， the next oldest after Tony， had birth certificated； it was only the youngest four—Luke， Audrey， Richard and me—who didnt.

Mother began to file the paperwork. I dont know if she talked it over with Dad first. If she did， I cant explain what changed his mind—why suddenly a ten-year policy of not registering with the Government ended without a struggle—but I think maybe it was that telephone. It was almost as if my father had come to accept that if he were really going to do battle with the Government， he would have to take certain risks. Mothers being a midwife（接生婆）would subvert（顛覆）the Medical Establishment， but in order to be a midwife she needs a phone. Perhaps the same logic was extended to Luke： Luke would need income to support a family， to buy supplies and prepare for the End of Days， so he needed a birth certificate. The other possibility is that Mother didnt ask Dad. Perhaps she just decided， on her own， and he accepted her decision. Perhaps even he—charismatic gale（有神賜能力的大風）of a man that he was—was temporarily swept aside by the force of her.

Once she had begun the paperwork for Luke， Mother decided she might as well get birth certificates for all of us. It was harder than she expected. She tore the house apart looking for documents to prove we were her children. She found nothing. In my case， no one was sure when Id been born. Mother remembered one date， Dad another， and Grandmadown-the-hill， who went to town and swore an affidavit（宣誓書）that I was her granddaughter， gave a third date.

Mother called the church headquarters in Salt Lake City. A clerk there found a certificate from my christening， when I was a baby， and another from my baptism， which， as with all Mormon children， had occurred when I was eight. Mother requested copies. They arrived in a mail a few days later. “For Petes sake！” Mother said when she opened the envelope. Each document gave a different birth date， and neither matched the one Grandma had put on the affidavit.

That week Mother was on the phone for hours every day. With the receiver wedged（楔入）against her shoulder， the cord stretched across the kitchen， she cooked， cleaned， and strained tinctures（過濾酊劑）of goldenseal（白毛茛）and blessed thistle（賜福薊草）， while having the same conversation over and over.

“Obviously I should have registered her when she was born， but I didnt. So here we are.”

Voices murmured on the other end of the line.

“Ive already told you—and your subordinate， and your subordinates subordinate， and fifty other people this week—she doesnt have school or medical records. She doesnt have them！ They werent lost. I cant ask for copies. They dont exist！”

“Her birthday？ Lets say the twenty-seventh.”

“No， Im not sure.”

“No， I dont have documentation.”

“Yes， Ill hold.”

The voices always put Mother on hold（讓母親不要掛電話）when she admitted that she didnt know my birthday， passing her up the line to their superiors， as if not knowing what day I was born delegitimized（取消合法資格）the entire notion of my having an identity. You cant be a person without a birthday， they seemed to say. I didnt understand why not. Until Mother decided to get my birth certificate， not knowing my birthday had never seemed strange. I knew Id been born near the end of September， and each year I picked a day， one that didnt fall on a Sunday because its no fun spending your birthday in church. Sometimes I wished Mother would give me the phone so I could explain. “I have a birthday， same as you，”I wanted to tell the voices. “It just changes. Dont you wish you could change your birthday？”

Eventually， Mother persuaded Grandma-down-thehill to swear a new affidavit claiming Id been born on the twenty-seventh， even though Grandma still believed it was the twenty-ninth， and the state of Idaho issued a Delayed Certificate of Birth. I remember the day it came in the mail. It felt oddly dispossessing（剝奪的）， being handed this first legal proof of my personhood： until that moment， it had never occurred to me that proof was required.

In the end， I got my birth certificate along before Luke got his. When Mother had told the voices on the phone that she thought Id been born sometime in the last week of September， theyd been silent. But when she told them she wasnt exactly sure whether Luke had been born in May or June， that set the voices positively buzzing.

“Im g-g-going to c-college，” Tyler said， his face rigid. A vein in his neck bulged as he forced the words out， appearing and disappearing every few seconds， a great， struggling snake.

Everyone looked at Dad. His expression was folded， impassive（冷漠的）. The silence was worse than shouting.

Tyler would be the third of my brothers to leave home. My oldest brother， Tony， drove rigs， hauling gravel or scrap， trying to scrape together enough money to marry the girl down the road. Shawn， the next oldest， had quarreled with Dad a few months before and taken off. I hadnt seen him since， though Mother got a hurried call every few weeks telling her he was fine， that he was welding（焊接）or driving rigs. If Tyler left too， Dad wouldnt have a crew， and without a crew he couldnt build barns or hay sheds. He would have to fall back on scrapping（拆撿廢品）.

“Whats college？” I said.

“College is extra school for people too dumb to learn the first time around，” Dad said. Tyler stared at the floor， his face tense. Then his shoulders dropped， his face relaxed and he looked up； it seemed to me that hed stepped out of himself. His eyes were soft， pleasant. I couldnt see him in there at all.

He listened to Dad， who settled into a lecture.“Theres two kinds of them college professors，” Dad said. “Those who know theyre lying， and those who think theyre telling the truth.” Dad grinned. “Dont know which is worse， come to think of it， a bona fide（真誠的）agent of the Illuminati（先覺者，睿智的人）， who at least knows hes on the devils payroll（為魔鬼工作的人）， or a high-minded（傲慢的）professor who thinks his wisdom is greater than Gods.” He was still grinning. The situation wasnt serious； he just needed to talk some sense into his son.

Mother said Dad was wasting his time， that nobody could talk Tyler out of anything once his mind was made up. “You may as well take a broom and start sweeping dirt off the mountain，” she said. Then she stood， took a few moments to steady herself， and trudged downstairs.

An hour later Dad was no longer grinning. Tyler had not repeated his wish to go to college， but he had not promised to stay， either. He was just sitting there， behind that vacant expression， riding it out（經受住）. “A man cant make a living out of books and scraps of paper，”Dad said. “Youre going to be the head of a family. How can you support a wife and children with books？”

Tyler tilted his head， showed he was listening， and said nothing.

“A son of mine， standing in line to get brainwashed by socialists and Illuminati spies—”

“The s-s-schools run by the ch-ch-church，” Tyler interrupted. “How b-bad can it b-be？”

Dads mouth flew open and a gust of air rushed out. “You dont think the Illuminati have infiltrated（潛入）the church？” His voice was booming； every word reverberated with a powerful energy. “You dont think the first place theyd go is that school， where they can raise up a whole generation of socialist Mormons？ I raised you better than that！”

I will always remember my father in this moment， the potency（力量）of him， and the desperation. He leans forward， jaw set， eyes narrow， searching his sons face for some sign of agreement， some crease of shared conviction（共同信念的某些跡象）. He doesnt find it.