嫉妒的時(shí)代：別人過得好，也要大聲笑

By Moya Sarner

One night about five years ago， just before bed， I saw a tweet from a friend announcing how delighted he was to have been shortlisted1 for a journalism award. I felt my stomach lurch and my head spin， my teeth clench and my chest tighten.2 I did not sleep until the morning.

Another five years or so before that， when I was at university， I was scrolling3 through the Facebook photos of someone on my course whom I vaguely knew. As I clicked on the pictures of her out clubbing with friends， drunkenly laughing， I felt my mood sink so fast that I had to sit back in my chair.4 I seemed to stop breathing.

I have thought about why these memories still haunt me from time to time—why they have not been forgotten along with most other day-to-day interactions I have had on social media—and I think it is because， in my 32 years， those are the most powerful and painful moments of envy I have experienced. I had not even entered that journalism competition， and I have never once been clubbing and enjoyed it， but as I read that tweet and as I scrolled through those photographs， I so desperately wanted what those people had that it left me as winded as if I had been punched in the stomach.5

我們生活在一個(gè)嫉妒的時(shí)代：嫉妒別人的職業(yè)、房子、孩子、食物、身材、假期……看到別人的好運(yùn)順境，看到別人擁有了本該屬于我們的東西，我們往往會(huì)嫉妒和痛苦。隨著社交媒體的發(fā)展和普及，嫉妒的情緒更是被無限放大。而且很多時(shí)候，我們不僅嫉妒別人，還會(huì)嫉妒濾鏡里那個(gè)美化過的、虛假的自己。嫉妒讓我們心理不平衡、不快樂，也讓我們難以悅納自己，學(xué)習(xí)他人。所以啊，我們要學(xué)會(huì)經(jīng)常問問自己：到底什么樣的生活，才是我們真正想要的呢？

We live in the age of envy. Career envy， kitchen envy， children envy， food envy， upper arm envy， holiday envy. You name it， theres an envy for it. Human beings have always felt what Aristotle defined in the fourth century BC as pain at the sight of anothers good fortune， stirred by “those who have what we ought to have”—though it would be another thousand years before it would make it on to Pope Gregorys list of the seven deadly sins.6

But with the advent7 of social media， says Ethan Kross， professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies the impact of Facebook on our well-being， “envy is being taken to an extreme.” We are constantly bombarded by“Photoshopped lives，” he says， “and that exerts a toll on us the likes of which we have never experienced in the history of our species.8 And it is not particularly pleasant.”

Clinical psychologist Rachel Andrew says she is seeing more and more envy in her consulting room， from people who “cant achieve the lifestyle they want but which they see others have.” Our use of platforms including Facebook， Twitter， Instagram and Snapchat， she says， amplifies this deeply disturbing psychological discord.9 “I think what social media has done is make everyone accessible for comparison，”she explains. “In the past， people might have just envied their neighbours， but now we can compare ourselves with everyone across the world.” Windy Dryden， one of the UKs leading practitioners of cognitive behavioural therapy， calls this“comparisonitis.”10

And those comparisons are now much less realistic， Andrew continues： “We all know that images can be filtered11， that people are presenting the very best take on their lives.” We carry our envy amplification device around in our pockets， we sleep with it next to our pillows， and it tempts us 24 hours a day， the moment we wake up， even if it is the middle of the night. Andrew has observed among her patients that knowing they are looking at an edited version of reality， the awareness that #nofilter is a deceitful hashtag， is no defence against the emotional force of envy.12“What I notice is that most of us can intellectualise13 what we see on social media platforms—we know that these images and narratives that are presented arent real， we can talk about it and rationalise it—but on an emotional level， its still pushing buttons. If those images or narratives tap into what we aspire14 to， but what we dont have， then it becomes very powerful.”

To explore the role that envy plays in our use of social media， Kross and his team designed a study to consider the relationship between passive Facebook use—“just voyeuristically scrolling，” as he puts it—and envy and mood from moment to moment.15 Participants received texts five times a day for two weeks， asking about their passive Facebook use since the previous message， and how they were feeling in that moment. The results were striking， he says：“The more youre on there scrolling away， the more that elicits16 feelings of envy， which in turn predicts drops in how good you feel.”

No age group or social class is immune from envy， according to Andrew. In her consulting room she sees young women， selfconscious about how they look， who begin to follow certain accounts on Instagram to find hair inspiration or makeup techniques， and end up envying the women they follow and feeling even worse about themselves. But she also sees the same pattern among older businessmen and women who start out looking for strategies and tips on Twitter， and then struggle to accept what they find， which is that some people seem to be more successful than they are. “Equally， it can be friends and family who bring out those feelings of envy， around looks， lifestyle， careers and parenting—because somebody is always doing it better on social media，” she says.

While envying other people is damaging enough， “We have something even more pernicious， I think，” the renowned social psychologist Sherry Turkle tells me.17 “We look at the lives we have constructed online in which we only show the best of ourselves， and we feel a fear of missing out in relation to our own lives. We dont measure up to the lives we tell others we are living， and we look at the self as though it were an other， and feel envious of it.”18 This creates an alienating19 sense of “self-envy” inside us， she says. “We feel inauthentic， curiously envious of our own avatars.”20

We gaze at our slimming， filtered #OutfitOfTheDay， and we want that body—not the one that feels tired and achy on the morning commute.21 We spit out the flavourless “edible” flowers that adorn our muesli.22 We dont know what to do with the useless inflatable unicorn when the Instagram Story has come to an end.23 While we are busy finding the perfect camera angle， our lives become a dazzling， flawless carapace， empty inside but for the envy of others and ourselves.”24

There is a different， even darker definition of the concept of envy. For Patricia Polledri， psychoanalytic psychotherapist and author of Envy in Everyday Life， the word refers to something quite dangerous， which can take the form of emotional abuse and violent acts of criminality.25 “Envy is wanting to destroy what someone else has. Not just wanting it for yourself， but wanting other people not to have it. Its a deep-rooted issue， where you are very， very resentful26 of another persons well-being—whether that be their looks， their position or the car they have. It is silent， destructive， underhand—it is pure malice，27 pure hatred，” she says.

This can make it very difficult for envious people to seek and receive help， because it can feel impossible for them to take in something valuable from someone else， so strong is the urge to annihilate28 anything good in others and in themselves. She believes envy is not innate； that it starts with an experience of early deprivation， when a mother cannot bond with her baby， and that childs self-esteem is not nourished through his or her life.29

As a cognitive behavioural therapist， Dryden is less interested in the root causes of envy， focusing instead on what can be done about it. When it comes to the kind of envy inspired by social media， he says， there are two factors that make a person more vulnerable： low self-esteem and deprivation intolerance， which describes the experience of being unable to bear not getting what you want. To overcome this， he says， think about what you would teach a child. The aim is to develop a philosophy， a way of being in the world， that allows you to recognise when someone else has something that you want but dont have， and also to recognise that you can survive without it， and that not having it does not make you less worthy or less of a person.

We could also try to change the way we habitually use social media. Kross explains that most of the time， people use Facebook passively and not actively， idly and lazily reading instead of posting， messaging or commenting. “That is interesting when you realise it is the passive usage that is presumed to be more harmful than the active. The links between passive usage and feeling worse are very robust30—we have huge data sets involving tens of thousands of people，” he says. While it is less clear how active usage affects well-being， there does seem to be a small positive link， he explains， between using Facebook to connect with others and feeling better.

Perhaps， though， each of us also needs to think more carefully when we do use social media actively， about what we are trying to say and why—and how the curation of our online personas can contribute to this age of envy in which we live.31 When I was about to post on Facebook about some good career-related news recently， my husband asked me why I wanted to do that. I did not feel comfortable answering him， because the truth is it was out of vanity. Because I wanted the likes， the messages of congratulations， and perhaps， if I am brutally honest， I wanted others to know that I was doing well. I felt ashamed. There is nothing like an overly perceptive spouse to prick ones ego.32

It is easy to justify publicising33 a promotion on Twitter as necessary for work， as a quick way of spreading the news to colleagues and peers. But as we type the words “Some personal news，” we could pause to ask ourselves， why are we doing this， really？ Friends， family， colleagues—anyone who needs to know will find out soon enough； with news that is quite personal， do we need to make it so public？ Honing34 your personal brand on social media may seem good for business， but it does have a price. It all creates an atmosphere where showing off—whether unapologetically or deceptively—is not just normalised but expected， and that is a space where envy can flourish.35

I do not think the answer necessarily always lies in being more honest about our lives—it might sometimes lie in simply shutting up. Of course， raising awareness about previously hushed-up， devastating experiences of miscarriage or abuse or harassment can have the power to challenge stigma and change society.36 But ostensibly37 authentic posts about mindfulness， or sadness， or no makeup selfies are always designed to portray their poster in the best light.

For Polledris concept of envy at its most noxious， there can be no upside.38 But as a less extreme emotional experience， it can serve a function in our lives. Dryden differentiates between unhealthy envy and its healthy form， which， he says， “can be creative.” Just as hunger tells us we need to eat， the feeling of envy， if we can listen to it in the right way， could show us what is missing from our lives that really matters to us， Kross explains. Andrew says： “It is about naming it as an emotion， knowing how it feels， and then not interpreting it as a positive or a negative， but trying to understand what it is telling you that you want. If that is achievable， you could take proper steps towards achieving it. But at the same time， ask yourself， what would be good enough？”

When I reflect on those two moments of piercing envy that I cannot forget， I can see—once I have waded through the shame and embarrassment—that they coincided with acute periods of unhappiness and insecurity.39 I was struggling to establish myself as a freelance writer and， before that， struggling to establish a social life after leaving home for university in a new city. Both of these things have improved as time has passed， but I do still feel unpleasant pangs40 of envy every now and then， whether Im on social media or off it， and I see it among my friends and family. Perhaps in part it is because we do not know how to answer the question： “What would be good enough？” That is something I am still working on.

1. shortlist： 把……列入最后候選人名單。

2. 我感覺胃里翻江倒海，頭暈?zāi)垦?，牙齒緊咬，胸部發(fā)悶。lurch： 突然傾斜，搖搖晃晃；spin： 旋轉(zhuǎn)，暈眩；clench： 咬緊，閉緊。

3. scroll：（在屏幕上）上下滾動(dòng)（信息）。

4. 當(dāng)我點(diǎn)擊她的照片，看到她和朋友們一起泡夜店，醉醺醺地開懷大笑時(shí)，我感覺自己的心情急轉(zhuǎn)直下，不得不坐回到椅子上去。

5. 我甚至沒有參加過那個(gè)新聞比賽，也從未享受過泡夜店，然而，當(dāng)我讀到那篇推文和翻看那些照片時(shí)，我是如此急切地想要那些人擁有的東西，這讓我喘不過氣來，就像在肚子上挨了一拳似的。winded： 喘不過氣的。

6. 看到別人的好運(yùn)順境，看到“別人擁有了本該是我們的東西”，人們心中總會(huì)感到痛苦。這種痛苦，亞里士多德早在公元前四世紀(jì)就已經(jīng)作了定義，而千年以后，這也成了教皇格列高利一世所說的七大罪之一。Aristotle：亞里士多德（公元前384—前322），希臘哲學(xué)家、邏輯學(xué)家和科學(xué)家；Pope Gregory： 教皇格列高利一世（約540—604），于590—604年任教皇；seven deadly sins： 七大罪，基督教教義中對人類惡行的分類，這些惡行能夠?qū)е缕渌坏赖碌男袨榛蛄?xí)慣，一般指傲慢、貪婪、淫邪、嫉妒、貪食、憤怒及怠惰。

7. advent： 出現(xiàn)。

8. 他說：“我們的生活中充斥著美化過的照片，這對我們造成了人類歷史上從未經(jīng)歷過的傷害。”exert： 施加；toll：損害，破壞。

9. amplify： 放大，增強(qiáng)；disturbing： 令人煩惱的，令人不安的；discord： 不協(xié)調(diào)，不一致。

10. practitioner： 開業(yè)者（尤指醫(yī)生、律師等）；cognitive behavioural therapy：認(rèn)知行為療法，主要針對抑郁癥、焦慮癥等心理疾病和不合理認(rèn)知導(dǎo)致的心理問題；comparisonitis：意為“比較癖”，后綴-itis表示“……迷（癖）”。

11. filter： 加濾鏡。

12. 安德魯在她的病人中觀察到，即便他們知道看到的是加工潤色后的現(xiàn)實(shí)，意識(shí)到#無濾鏡是一個(gè)騙人的話題標(biāo)簽，也不能抵御嫉妒的情感力量。deceitful： 不實(shí)的，騙人的；hashtag： 話題標(biāo)簽。

13. intellectualise： 對……作理性的探討（或闡述）。

14. aspire： 渴望，追求。

15. 為了探究嫉妒在我們使用社交媒體時(shí)所扮演的角色，克羅斯和他的團(tuán)隊(duì)設(shè)計(jì)了一項(xiàng)研究，來探討他所說的被動(dòng)使用臉書——也就是純粹窺探性地瀏覽——與嫉妒和情緒之間的即時(shí)關(guān)系。voyeuristically： 窺探性地。

16. elicit： 引出，引起。

17. pernicious： 有害的，惡性的；renowned：知名的，有聲望的。

18. 我們其實(shí)并沒有達(dá)到告訴別人的那種生活狀態(tài)，我們看著自己，就好像那是另外一個(gè)人，并對其感到嫉妒。measure up to： 達(dá)到。

19. alienating： 疏遠(yuǎn)的，異化的。

20. inauthentic： 假的，不真實(shí)的；avatar：化身。

21. achy： 疼痛的；commute： 上下班路程。

22. adorn： 裝飾，修飾；muesli： 穆茲利（一種由谷物、干果、堅(jiān)果和牛奶制成的早餐食品）。

23. inflatable： 可充氣的，可膨脹的；unicorn： 獨(dú)角獸。

24. 我們忙于尋找完美的拍攝角度，我們的生活也變成了一個(gè)光彩照人、完美無瑕的甲殼，內(nèi)里空空如也，只為了讓別人和我們自己嫉妒而存在。carapace： 殼，甲殼。

25. psychoanalytic： 精神分析的，心理分析的；psychotherapist： 心理治療師；criminality： 犯罪。

26. resentful： 憎恨的，怨恨的。

27. underhand： 秘密的，偷偷摸摸的；malice： 惡意，怨恨。

28. annihilate： 消滅，毀滅。

29. 她認(rèn)為嫉妒不是天生的；它始于早年的缺失經(jīng)歷，如果母親沒有與孩子建立良好的情感聯(lián)系，孩子在生活中的自尊心就得不到滋養(yǎng)。innate： 先天的，與生俱來的；deprivation： 剝奪，缺失。

30. robust： 穩(wěn)固的，堅(jiān)固的。

31. curation： 策展，這里指綜合管理；persona： 人物角色。

32. 沒有什么比一個(gè)過于敏銳的配偶更能刺痛一個(gè)人的自尊心了。perceptive： 感覺敏銳的，有洞察力的；prick： 刺痛。

33. publicise： 宣傳，宣揚(yáng)。

34. hone： 磨礪，磨煉，這里指打造。

35. unapologetically： 不愧悔地，無歉意地；deceptively： 欺騙性地；normalise： 使正?；?；flourish： 繁榮，興旺。

36. 當(dāng)然，提高人們對先前被隱瞞的、帶給人沉重打擊的流產(chǎn)、虐待和騷擾這些經(jīng)歷的意識(shí)，能夠使人們獲得挑戰(zhàn)恥辱、改變社會(huì)的力量。devastating： 破壞性的，毀滅性的；miscarriage： 流產(chǎn)；stigma： 恥辱，污名。

37. ostensibly： 表面上，假裝地。

38. noxious： 有害的，有毒的；upside： 好的方面，積極的一面。

39. piercing：（感情）強(qiáng)烈的；wade：跋涉；acute： 短時(shí)間的。

40. pang： 一陣（劇痛、傷心等）。

閱讀感評

∷秋葉 評

前幾年，有一個(gè)非常流行的說法叫“羨慕嫉妒恨”。它表示了從“羨慕”到“嫉妒”再到“恨”的三種不同情緒狀態(tài)，三者可以急速轉(zhuǎn)換、一瀉而下，讓一個(gè)人內(nèi)心原本的“正能量”瞬間逆轉(zhuǎn)為負(fù)面情緒。

“羨慕”與“嫉妒”往往是同一硬幣的兩面，其產(chǎn)生顯然都是由于自覺或不自覺地與他者進(jìn)行比較，而“比較”是作為社會(huì)性動(dòng)物的人類最基本也是最正常的心理沖動(dòng)之一。我們對于自我形象與價(jià)值的判斷往往也是通過各種比較作出的。因此，把他者作為一個(gè)尺度來衡量自己并產(chǎn)生一些反應(yīng)非常自然。然而問題是，有些人陷入這種因比較（原文中用了comparisonitis一詞，指“比較癖”）而產(chǎn)生的由“嫉妒”發(fā)展到“憎恨”的極端負(fù)面情緒中難以自拔，甚至做出一些損人又害己的不理智行為。這不禁讓人想到法國哲學(xué)家薩特在其存在主義哲學(xué)中所提出的著名命題“他人即地獄（Hell is other people）”。在薩特看來，這是現(xiàn)代人因“異化（alienation）”帶來的一種荒誕的人性狀態(tài)，而選文作者認(rèn)為當(dāng)前這種迅速蔓延的社會(huì)問題與各種電子社交媒體脫不了干系。

作為社會(huì)化的人類，其實(shí)多少都有些攀比的心理。英語中有“keeping up with the Joneses”的說法，就是把左鄰右舍作為自己的尺度，來比較兩者之間社會(huì)地位與財(cái)富積累程度的高低。有誰愿意看見自己的鄰居在地位與財(cái)富上超越自己并承認(rèn)“低人一等”呢？因此，自認(rèn)為暫時(shí)“占下風(fēng)”的一方很可能就會(huì)做出某些不理性的事情。我們中國人至少在公開場合都要講知足常樂，批評攀比心態(tài)。例如，我們將因攀比而產(chǎn)生的負(fù)面情緒稱作“紅眼病”，或者譏諷別人“這山望著那山高”，警告攀比者“人比人氣死人”，有時(shí)又頗為“中庸”地安慰自己說“比上不足，比下有余”。無獨(dú)有偶，英文里湊巧也有類似的表達(dá)，如“green-eyed monster”（我們說嫉妒得眼睛發(fā)紅，而西方人卻認(rèn)為眼睛發(fā)綠是嫉妒的癥狀）與“The grass is always greener on the other side”。后一句指的是一種非常普遍的不正常心態(tài)，總覺得別人家的一切更好更誘人，由此產(chǎn)生嫉妒心理。

選文作者認(rèn)為，這些與人類社會(huì)同樣歷史悠久的心理狀態(tài)與情感宣泄，在如今各種社交媒體撲面而來的時(shí)代，其影響層面與嚴(yán)重程度已變得前所未有。作者列舉了諸多心理學(xué)家、心理治療師、認(rèn)知行為病理學(xué)家的觀點(diǎn)，給我們提出的觀點(diǎn)是，由嫉妒引發(fā)的心理和精神疾病已成為一個(gè)社會(huì)現(xiàn)象，亟待探索出妥善處理的有效途徑。在作者看來，像Facebook、Twitter、Instagram（類似于國內(nèi)的微信朋友圈）這些電子社交媒體是極大誘因，因?yàn)槿藗兊呐时确秶延蓚鹘y(tǒng)時(shí)代的家族與鄰里之間擴(kuò)大到全世界，由原先的熟人社區(qū)擴(kuò)大到由絕大多數(shù)從未謀面的人組成的社會(huì)之間的比較，而他們總是把自己最美好的一面展現(xiàn)給大家。由于對攀比對象并不真正了解，人們往往為他人在社交媒體上發(fā)布的所謂完美形象所蒙蔽，以至于自慚形穢。作者指出，至少有兩種辦法可以緩解和避免由“比較”而產(chǎn)生的強(qiáng)烈并具破壞力的嫉妒心：一是更加主動(dòng)地使用這些電子社交媒體，即自己也要常發(fā)布、評論，而非總是被動(dòng)地、窺探性地瀏覽他人的好形象、好消息；二是要建立一種理性的人生哲學(xué)，也就是說，要讓那些自信心比較低同時(shí)自尊心又特別強(qiáng)的人們想明白道理并接受“This is life！”。

誠然，人性有弱點(diǎn)，虛榮心與爭強(qiáng)好勝心每個(gè)人都難以完全避免，就看你能否通過人生的修煉來克服它們，將其轉(zhuǎn)換為更為理性的“正能量”。人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)告訴我們，正確的價(jià)值觀與人生觀在一個(gè)人身上經(jīng)過長期培養(yǎng)與逐步建立，其在處理具體問題時(shí)所能發(fā)揮的潛移默化的作用是不可低估的。如果我們有自信心作為基礎(chǔ)，并樂于接受客觀現(xiàn)實(shí)，同時(shí)對于生活中的精神追求與物質(zhì)需求有一個(gè)理性的平衡觀，不管別人的生活怎么樣，我們應(yīng)該都能做到楊絳先生在其《一百歲感言》中所說的“內(nèi)心的淡定與從容”。