Comatose Cops Crack Convoluted Case

By Zhou Jianqian

A murder case happened last night, and my wife wasn't far from the scene.Afterward the cops came knocking at our door intending to ask my wife a few questions.

“Were you asleep during the time of the murder?” They inquired.

“No, I wasn't,” she said, “I was out on the balcony hanging clothes. My husband never wants to do that, he's just that kind of guy. Wants to take it easy,enjoy life. You've probably never seen a guy like that before, huh?Anyhow, one time…”

“What did you see that night?”

“I saw a whole lot of stuff. There were the headlights of cars off in the distance. A dog wandering around on the street. Dogs always like to go out at night. God knows what it was doing out there. Then there was the couple out for a walk in the moonlight. I think it was old Mister Wang's daughter. She was in a relationship at the time. I heard someone say…”

“Just keep to the details of the case, please,” one of the cops interrupted.

“Of course, Mister Policeman sir. From here on out I'll just talk about stuff related to the case.Anyhoo… so then I saw someone throw out a comforter from the sixth-floor window across the way.Comforters aren't heavy, they're pretty light actually. I'm pretty sure it was a down comforter,which feels real nice when you're sleeping. My Mom's got one on her bed. So then, they threw another one out. Then another and another. About four of 'em!Goodness! I wondered how many they had at their house! We nearly have no comforter at our house.In this city of ours, there's no

need to have like ten comforters anyway. Even in the wintertime,you'd probably never even need a comforter, just a fleece blanket can do. That's what I always say. If you sleep under a comforter you'd be covered in sweat from head to toe before you know it. I met this lady, during the solstice she always…”

“Oh, for the love of Pete! Would ya just talk about what you saw after that?” The policemen were getting anxious.

“What I saw after that? But Mister Policeman sir, I didn't see anything after that. I heard something though. A loud ‘bang!'I thought it was the sound of a heavy wok falling on the ground.Were the wok at our house to fall off the stove, I bet it would make a sound just like that. I think I don't have to tell you that our wok would never survive a fall like that. They just don't make 'em like they used to anymore. Ya know,you'd think that an iron pot could survive a fall or two, but if you tried to drop it a couple of time there'd be a crack in it the size of the Great Wall! And knives too.You know…”

“Forget about the knives for a second, ma'am! Just keep going with the thing about the wok.What did you hear after that?”

“I heard an argument, and boy it was a doozy! But then, who hasn't had an argument from time to time? My husband and I argue all the time…”

“What were they arguing about?”

“I don't know. I didn't hear anything clearly. But, I'd bet my bottom dollar that it was a lot of foul-mouthed cursing like, ‘You big son of a Mister Brichard' and‘You silly hoomy-floomy flimflam,' and stuff like that. That's what I and my husband say when we get in a fight.”

“Yeah, right. So, what else did you hear?”

“Oh, a bloodcurdling scream!”She said with a silent air of hysteria. “So loud and so shrill! It scared me just about half to death!And Bao Qi too. He was sleeping at the time. After it happened,he opened one eye, yawned and asked if it was me who it was doing all that chattering. He was like, ‘Is that you making all that racket, honey?' I told him it wasn't me. It was the couple that had just moved in to the sixth floor across the way. He was like, ‘Oh,okay,' then he just snorted, rolled over and went back to sleep. He's just like that, ya know? The sky could be falling, and he would just be laying there sawing logs! His whole life is nothing but smoking nasty cigarettes and sleeping up a storm. He…”

“And then what happened?”

“And then? And then… then there was no sound. It was only afterwards that I found out that woman got hacked to death! Poor dear. But I hear she didn't actually die. Lordy, lordy! The two of them seemed like such a good match.He's so tall and handsome, like a Greek statue. And she's so sweet and beautiful, like a porcelain doll. But it turns out the two of them didn't get along. So much so that they needed the police to step in and break up the marriage.How could things all go so wrong?I once heard a story about…”

Just then a loud snore like a bull elephant filled the room. It was the policemen. They were sitting in their chairs, heads rolled back and mouths agape. All my wife's incessant blabbering was just like a super-charged sleeping pill. Now you understand why the sky could be falling and I would sleep through it all.