BADROMANCE

孫佳慧

The melodramatic writings of

Qiong Yao have inspired a whole slew of slushy satire

如何像瓊瑤劇主人公一樣談戀愛？ （危險動作，請勿模仿）

A

t some point， weve all come across someone who seems to think life is a soap opera—and theyre the star： Every breakup， minor setback， and work spat calls for drama and despair.

Fortunately， theres a handy to stop them from chewing the scenery too much. Next time your friend has an emotional outburst， try asking：

Why are you suddenly so Qiong Yao？

N@ z0nme t$r1n Qi5ng Y1o q@l1i le？

你怎么突然瓊瑤起來了？

Known as the “Godmother of Romance，” Taiwanese author Qiong Yao （Chiung Yao） is not just one of the bestselling romance writers of all time； shes also a cultural phenomenon. Born in 1938， Qiong Yao， whose real name is Chen Zhe， published her first novel at 25 and has produced over 60 works since， most famously Princess Pearl， the basis of the hit 1998 TV series. In 2018， the series was rebroadcast by Hunan TV and， even 20 years after its premiere， once again became daytime TVs top-rated show， as viewers relished the nostalgia of Qiong Yao hallmarks—melodramatic plots， love triangles， and most importantly， sappy dialogue.

The Barbara Cartland of Asias personal style is so familiar that the authors penname， meaning “precious jade，” has become a byword for sentimentality. Thanks to mass media， dialogue from Qiong Yaos works have become widely spread and parodied online as “Qiong Yao-style lines.” Take the following scene from Princess Pearl， in which the lovers Fu Erkang and Xia Ziwei share honeyed words：

Ziwei： Im begging you， could you please stop being so dashing？

W6 qi%qiu n@， b%y3o zh-me shu3iq# h2o ma？

我求求你，不要這么帥氣好嗎？

Erkang： Im begging you too， could you please stop being so sweet？

W6 y0 qi%qiu n@， b%y3o zh-me w8nr5u h2o ma？

我也求求你，不要這么溫柔好嗎？

In most real-life romance， overhearing such a conversation would make ones flesh crawl； but between friends， this exchange can be sarcastically used to express a false depth of gratitude for some routine favor：

A： Here， I picked up your package

for you.

N@ de ku3id#， w6 b`ng n@ l@ng le.

你的快遞，我?guī)湍泐I(lǐng)了。

B： Im begging you， could you please stop being so nice to me？

W6 qi%qiu n@， b%y3o du# w6 zh-me h2o x！ng ma？

我求求你，不要對我這么好行嗎？

Of course， romance is not only about sweet words. Even （or especially） the closest couples quarrel occasionally. When this happens， take note of the clever way that Ziwei deals with a jealous outburst from Erkang：

Z： Youre overreacting！

N@ h2o gu7f-n o！

你好過分哦！

Z [shyly]： But I like your overreaction very much.

D3n w6 h2o x@huan n@ de gu7f-n.

但我好喜歡你的過分。

Another mushy Qiong Yao hit is Romance in the Rain， the 2001 TV adaptation of which starred the same principals as Princess Pearl. In one of its most well-known scenes， heroine Lu Yiping reunites with the hero， He Shuhuan at the railway station when the latter returns from war. Now， even if just meeting a friend for a movie， theres no reason why you must stick with a conventional greeting—instead， like Yiping， why not shout from a distance？

Shuhuan， dont come to me！ Let me fly to you！

Sh$hu1n， n@ b%y3o gu7l1i， r3ng w6 f8ib8n gu7q&！

書桓，你不要過來，讓我飛奔過去！

Besides dramatic reunions， Yiping and Shuhuan are known for their many verbal clashes in the course of their （probably emotionally abusive） amour fou. When the two decide to point fingers at each other， they show no mercy：

S： Youre heartless， youre cruel， youre unreasonable.

N@ w%q！ng， n@ c1nk&， n@ w%l@ q^n3o.

你無情，你殘酷，你無理取鬧。

Y： Are you not also heartless， cruel， and unreasonable？

N3 n@ ji& b& w%q！ng？ B& c1nk&？ B& w%l@ q^n3o？

那你就不無情？不殘酷？

不無理取鬧？

S： How am I heartless？ How am I cruel？ How am I unreasonable？

W6 n2li w%q！ng？ N2li c1nk&？ N2li w%l@q^n3o？

我哪里無情？哪里殘酷？

哪里無理取鬧？

Y： How arent you heartless？ How arent you cruel？ How arent you unreasonable？

N# n2li b& w%q！ng？ N2li b& c1nk&？ N2li b& w%l@ q^n3o？

你哪里不無情？哪里不殘酷？

哪里不無理取鬧？

OK， enough： The debate goes on for another half-page， but luckily， the exchange is so iconic that， as long as you include the three key phrases， most people will immediately get the reference：

A： I am sorry， but I have to take a rain check on our dinner.

Du#buq@， w6men ch～f3n zh@n9ng g2iti`n le.

對不起，我們吃飯只能改天了。

B： You are heartless， you are cruel， you are unreasonable.

N@ w%q！ng， n@ c1nk&， n@ w%l@ q^n3o.

你無情，你殘酷，你無理取鬧。

It seems that writing quarrels is Qiong Yaos secret to inflating her page count. In Princess Pearl， Ziwei and Erkang also have a long， repetitive fight.

Z： She says you went to see the snow and the stars and the moon together， and talked [about things] from poetry to song to philosophy.

T` shu4 n@men y#q@ k3n xu0 k3n x～ngxing k3n yu-liang， c5ng sh～c！ g8f& t1n d3o r9nsh8ng zh9xu9.

她說你們一起看雪看星星看月亮，從詩詞歌賦談到人生哲學(xué)。

Z： But Ive never seen the snow and the stars and the moon with you， nor talked from poetry to song to philosophy.

W6 d4u m9iy6u h9 n@ y#q@ k3n xu0 k3n x～ngxing k3n yu-liang， c5ng sh～c！ g8f& t1n d3o r9nsh8ng zh9xu9.

我都沒有和你一起看雪看星星看月亮，從詩詞歌賦談到人生哲學(xué)。

E： Its all my fault. I shouldnt have gone to see the snow and the stars and the moon with her， nor talk from poetry to song to philosophy.

D4ush# w6 de cu7， w6 b&g;`i h9 t` y#q@ k3n xu0 k3n x～ngxing k3n yu-liang， c5ng sh～c！ g8f& t1n d3o r9nsh8ng zh9xu9.

都是我的錯，我不該和她一起看雪看星星看月亮，從詩詞歌賦談到人生哲學(xué)。

E： I promise， from now on， I will only see the snow and the stars and the moon， and talk from poetry to song to philosophy with you.

W6 d`ying n@ j～nh7u zh@ h9 n@ y#q@ k3n xu0 k3n x～ngxing k3n yu-liang， c5ng sh～c！ g8f& t1n d3o r9nsh8ng zh9xu9.

我答應(yīng)你今后只和你一起看雪看星星看月亮，從詩詞歌賦談到人生哲學(xué)。

Like life， love is full of ups and downs： Qiong Yaos lovers inevitably experience various vicissitudes in life—accidents， separation， and even death—yet always manage to inject their misfortunes with pathos. In one episode of Princess Pearl， Ziwei becomes temporarily blind， and weeps to Erkang， who is himself seriously injured and comatose：

How can a shattered me save a shattered you？

Y！ g- p7su# de w6 y3o z0nme zh0ngji& y！ g- p7su# de n@？

一個破碎的我要怎么拯救一個破碎的你？

So next time someone asks for a favor but you are busy with your own issues， simply reply：

“Sorry， but a shattered me cannot save a shattered you.”

Du#buq@， d3n y！ g- p7su# de w6 w%f2 zh0ngji& y！ g- p7su# de n@ a.

對不起，但一個破碎的我無法拯救一個破碎的你啊。

Yiping， on the other hand， is better at talking than writing. When her boyfriend Shuhuan returns to his

hometown， she vents her to diary：

Day 1 after Shuhuan left： Miss him.

Sh$hu1n z6u de d# y～ ti`n， xi2ng t`.

書桓走的第一天，想他。

Day 2 after Shuhuan left： Miss him，

miss him.

Sh$hu1n z6u de d# -r ti`n， xi2ng t`， xi2ng t`.

書桓走的第二天，想他，想他。

Day 3 after Shuhuan left： Miss him，

miss him， miss him.

Sh$hu1n z6u de d# s`n ti`n， xi2ng t`， xi2ng t`， xi2ng t`.

書桓走的第三天，想他，想他，想他。

And so forth： Qiong Yaos heroine may not be good writer （albeit， she is a fine mathematician）， but this template is pretty useful. Two years ago， when Kobe Bryant retired， one of his fans wrote on social media： “Its day one after Kobe left. Miss him.”

Though Qiong Yaos success in romance writing is unmatched， her works are frequently criticized for promoting the wrong values， with moral guardians even labeling some of her lines as literary “poison.” In Fantasies Behind the Pearly Curtain， the heroine Ziling falls in love with her sister Lüpings fiancé Chu Lian， and they have an affair. Chu decides to come clean to Lüping， but before he can do so， Lüping， a dancer， loses her leg in a car accident.

Chu then marries Lüping out of guilt， and when she finds out the truth， Lüping takes revenge on the whole family. At this point， Zilings husband Fei Yunfan calls out Lüping in one of Qiong Yaos most notorious lines：

You just lost a leg， but what about Ziling？ She lost half her life！ Not to mention the love she threw away

for you.

N@ zh@bugu7 sh# sh～q& le y# ti1o tu@. Z@l！ng ne？ T` sh～q& le b3n ti1o m#ng！ G-ng b%y3o shu4 t` w-i n@ g8sh0 di3o de 3iq！ng.

你只不過是失去了一條腿。紫菱呢？她失去了半條命！更不要說她為你割舍掉的愛情。

This line is usually quoted as evidence of Qiong Yaos “incorrect” views on love and life. In the show， Lüping becomes speechless in the face of such impassioned criticism. But perhaps， she should have just replied： “You are heartless， you are cruel， you are unreasonable！”