“優(yōu)能中學杯”征文大賽獲獎作文選登及點評（5）

董涵容++王曉芳

本刊2015年7月在創(chuàng)刊十周年之際發(fā)起的主題為“我和英語有個故事”的全國中學生英語征文大賽現已圓滿落幕。本期我們繼續(xù)選登一篇獲獎作文及北京新東方學校優(yōu)能中學老師的相應精彩點評，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽等獎的一篇獲獎文章。

I never used to enjoy English. From my point of view， learning English is was the most boring thing in the world. If possible， I would try my best to avoid reading English. I only looked at the pictures in English books， not the essays in them. Every time my parents told me "You should practise speaking English out loud"， I always pretended that I didn't hear what they said.

With time goes As time went by， I fell behind other students. Even the basic grammar and words are were a big problem for me. Under the pressure of the College Entrance Examination， I was gradually aware of the importance of learning English. But I still told myself that I could get good grades and enter the university I dreamed∧of， even though my English was very bad.

However， one thing changed my mind.

Once， when I was taking a walk alone in the street， I saw a girl， who looked like an academic， working as a tour guide for foreigners. When she was introducing our hometown to a foreigner with in fluent English， a sense of confidence appeared on her face. When I compared myself to her， I felt embarrassed. I stood there silently， hearing their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

After getting home， I couldn't stop thinking. The girl's confident smile appeared in my mind. A sense of loss and sadness attacked my heart， which made me nearly couldn't breathe. I burst into crying tears， regarding myself as because I felt like a loser—the most stupid person in the world. Hearing me cry， my mother came and said something which had deep effect on me. She said， "No one can beat you except yourself. So the only thing you should do is try your best to beat the devil in your heart. Don't care what the ending will be. If you put your heart into it， you will succeed in one day. I do believe you can do it."

Now， I am different from what I used to be. Reading English in the morning is my basic task for me every day. And I have gradually realized that these "dull" words are interesting in fact. Although access to the final victory is difficult for me， I will never give up， because I will remember one sentence forever： The only one who can defeat you is yourself.

作者在這句話中用了used to do sth.這個句型，表示“過去常常做某事，過去習慣于做某事”。該句型有三種否定形式。在書面語中，used to do sth.的否定形式一般為never used to do sth.或者used not to do sth.，而在口語中，最常用的是didn't used to do sth.。這句話還可以換成肯定句，表述成：I used to hate English.

作者在這里擺脫了千篇一律的I think，而用了from my point of view來表達“我認為”。除此之外，我們還可以用I hold the idea that ...、I cling to the idea that ...、as far as I am concerned等短語來表示“我認為”。在建議類作文中闡述觀點時經常會用到以上表達。

該句用了虛擬語氣，if possible是省略句，可以還原為if it were possible。Try one's best to do sth.是初中基本短語，表示“盡力做某事”。此處我們可以進行升級，使用make every effort to do sth.、spare no effort to do sth.來替代。

本句中，look at有兩個賓語，即pictures和essays。很明顯，這里look at與essays搭配不太合適，可以換成read。此外，英語中表達“做……而不做……”時，可以使用instead of或rather than。因此這句話可以改為：I only looked at the pictures in English books， instead of/rather than reading the essays in them.

本句使用了伴隨狀語結構，值得肯定，但這里hear的使用有點問題。Hear表示“（無意中）聽到”，假如作者想表達“無意中聽到”的意思，那么這句話的邏輯就有問題了，可以改成：Hearing their conversation， I stood there silently， recalling my previous attitude towards English. 假如作者想要表達“認真聽”的含義，那么應該使用listen to，將原句改為：I stood there silently， listening to their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

本句中既有伴隨狀語hearing sth.，又有which引導的非限制性定語從句，句子十分流暢，反映出了作者較為扎實的寫作功底。需要注意的是，“對……有影響”正確的說法是have an effect on sth.。盡管原句漏掉了冠詞，但該短語的使用仍舊凸顯了作者豐富的詞匯量和靈活駕馭語言的能力。

本句中的my basic task和for me都包含了“我”的意思，略有重復。同時此處basic的使用受到了漢語思維的影響，建議改為essential。Basic強調組成某事物最基礎的、最根本的，而essential側重于對某人、某事或某種活動等最重要的、最必不可少的。可以將此處的my basic task改為an essential task。

總評

從內容上來說，作者在這篇作文中闡述了自己因為一次經歷而改變了對英語的態(tài)度，最后媽媽的一段話重新燃起了作者對英語學習的信心，字里行間都流露出了作者對于英語的熱愛。英語對作者來說不僅僅是一門有趣的語言，還讓作者重新找回了丟失的信心?！拔ㄒ荒艽驍∧愕娜酥挥心阕约骸?，這是作者最深的感悟，也是英語帶給作者的人生哲理。

從行文結構上來看，作文中故事的敘述十分流暢，前后連接緊密，絲絲入扣，而且還使用了夾敘夾議的寫作方法，讀來絲毫沒有突兀之感。另外，作文的一開頭就通過“過去不喜歡英語”這句話設置了懸念，吸引了讀者的興趣，然后又通過對故事的敘述進行了“劇情”的大反轉，最后用一句話進行了升華，從而極大地引起讀者的共鳴。

從語言上可以看出，作者對英語語法和詞匯掌握得不錯。定語從句、狀語從句、分詞結構、插入語結構等等穿插于文章之中。盡管有些表達還能看出漢語的影響，有點瑕疵，也存在些許語法上的問題，但總體來看作者的表現已經十分優(yōu)秀了。

總的來說，這篇作文有故事，有感悟，有轉折，有升華，是一篇立意明確、主旨積極向上、語言流暢豐富的好文。