冰男（下）

文村上春樹(shù)　譯Richard L. Peterson　繪也圓

?

冰男（下）

文村上春樹(shù)譯Richard L. Peterson繪也圓

Five days before we were supposed to leave， I got up my nerve and said， "Let's forget about going to the South Pole. When I think about it now， I realize that it's going to be terribly cold there，and it might not be good for our health. I'm starting to think that it might be better for us to go someplace more ordinary. How about Europe？ Let's go have a real vacation in Spain. We can drink wine， eat paella， and see a bullfight or something."

But we've got a fur coat and furlined boots for you. We can't let all that go to waste. Now that we've come this far， we can't not go."

The truth is that I was scared. I had a premonition that if we went to the South Pole something would happen to us that we might not be able to undo. I was having this bad dream over and over again. It was always the same. I'd be out taking a walk and I'd fall into a deep crevasse that had opened up in the ground. Nobody would find me， and I'd freeze down there. Shut up inside the ice， I'd stare up at the sky. I'd be conscious， but I wouldn't be able to move， not even a finger. I'd realize that moment by moment I was becoming the past. I was a scene moving backward， away from them.

Then I'd wake up and find the ice man sleeping beside me. He always slept without breathing， like a dead man.

But I loved the ice man. I cried， and my tears dripped onto his cheek and he woke up and held me in his arms. "I had a bad dream，" I told him.

"It was only a dream，" he said. "Dreams come from the past， not the future. You aren't bound①bound 英 ［ba?nd］ 美 ［ba?nd］ adj. 有義務(wù)的；受約束的；裝有封面的 vt. 束縛；使跳躍n. 范圍；跳躍 vi. 限制；彈起by them. The dreams are bound by you. Do you understand that？"

"Yes，" I said， though I wasn't convinced.

I couldn't find a good reason to cancel the trip， so in the end my husband and I boarded a plane for the South Pole. The stewardesses②stewardesses ［勞經(jīng)］ 女服務(wù)員were all taciturn③taciturn英 ［'t?s?t??n］ 美 ［'t?s?t?n］ adj. 沉默寡言的；無(wú)言的，不太說(shuō)話的. I felt none of the excitement of heading off on a vacation. I was just going through the motions and doing things that had already been decided on.

The South Pole was lonely beyond anything I had expected. Almost no one lived there. There was just one small， featureless town， and in that town there was one hotel， which was， of course，also small and featureless.

My husband， though， walked enthusiastically from place to place as if he couldn't get enough of it. He learned the local language quickly， and spoke with the townspeople in a voice that had the hard rumble④rumble 英［'r?mb（?）l］ 美［'r?mbl］ vt. 使隆隆響；低沉地說(shuō) vi.隆隆作響 n. 隆隆聲；抱怨聲of an avalanche. He conversed with them for hours with a serious expression on his face， but I had no way of knowing what they were talking about. I felt as though my husband had betrayed me and left me to care for myself.

There， in that wordlessworld surrounded by thick ice， I eventually lost all my strength. Bit by bit， bit by bit. In the end，I didn't even have the energy to feel irritated⑤irritate 英［'?r?te?t］ 美［'?r?tet］ vt. 刺激，使興奮；激怒 vi.引起惱怒，引起不愉快anymore. It was as though I had lost the compass of my emotions somewhere. I had lost track of where I was heading，I had lost track of time， and I had lost all sense of my own self.

"Winter has come，" my husband said. "It's going to be a very long winter， and there will be no more planes， or ships， either. Everything has frozen over. It looks as though we'll have to stay here until next spring."

About three months after we arrived at the South Pole， I realized that I was pregnant. The child that I gave birth to would be a little ice man-I knew this. My womb⑥womb 英 ［wu?m］ 美［wum］ n.［解剖］ 子宮；發(fā)源地had frozen over， and my amniotic⑦amniotic 英 ［?mn?'?t?k］ 美 ［,?mn?'ot?k］ adj.［昆］ 羊膜的fluid was slush. I could feel its chill inside me. My child would be just like his father， with eyes like icicles and frost-rimed fingers. And our new family would never again set foot outside the South Pole. The eternal past， heavy beyond all comprehension， had us in its grasp. We would never shake it off.

Now there's almost no heart left in me. My warmth has gone very far away. Sometimes I forget that warmth ever existed. In this place， I am lonelier than anyone else in the world. When I cry， the ice man kisses my cheek， and my tears turn to ice. He takes those frozen teardrops in his hand and puts them on his tongue. "See how I love you，" he says. He is telling the truth. But a wind sweeping in from nowhere blows his white words back and back into the past.

在預(yù)定啟程的五天前，我定了定心神說(shuō)道，“我們把去南極的事忘了吧。我現(xiàn)在想想，反應(yīng)過(guò)來(lái)那里太冷，可能不利于我們的身體健康。我開(kāi)始想可能要去一些更平常的地方。歐洲如何？我們?nèi)ノ靼嘌篮煤猛嬉煌妗Ｎ覀兛梢院绕咸丫?，吃海鮮飯，看斗牛表演什么的?！?/p>

但是我們已經(jīng)買了毛皮大衣，毛皮棉鞋。我們不能讓那些都浪費(fèi)掉?，F(xiàn)在事已至此，我們不能不去。”

我真的覺(jué)得驚訝。我有一種預(yù)感，如果我們?nèi)チ四蠘O，就會(huì)發(fā)生什么可能無(wú)可挽回的事情。我一次又一次地做著這樣的惡夢(mèng)。每次都是一樣。我出去散步，掉到一個(gè)大地張開(kāi)的深深的裂縫里。沒(méi)有人會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我，我被凍住在那里。被冰封在那里，我向上盯著天空。我神志清醒，但是我動(dòng)不了，連手指也不能動(dòng)。我意識(shí)到時(shí)間一刻接一刻地將我變成過(guò)去。我是正在向后退去的景象，遠(yuǎn)離他們。

然后我醒來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)冰男睡在我旁邊。他睡覺(jué)總是沒(méi)有呼吸，像死人一樣。

但我愛(ài)冰男。我哭泣，眼淚掉落在他的臉頰上，他醒了把我攬入懷中?！拔易隽说目膳碌膲?mèng)，”我告訴他。

“那不過(guò)是個(gè)夢(mèng)，”他說(shuō)?！皦?mèng)來(lái)自過(guò)去，不是未來(lái)。你被他們困住了。那些夢(mèng)把你困住了。你明白嗎？”

“是的，”我說(shuō)，盡管我并不確信。

我找不到一個(gè)好的理由取消這次旅行，所以最后我丈夫和我登上了飛往南極的飛機(jī)。我絲毫沒(méi)有感覺(jué)到去度假的興奮。我只是在執(zhí)行任務(wù)或者做著早已決定的事情。

南極比我想象的任何地方都要荒涼。幾乎沒(méi)有人住在那里。只有一個(gè)不具特色的小鎮(zhèn)，鎮(zhèn)上只有一個(gè)旅店，當(dāng)然是同樣的小而不具特色。

而我丈夫熱切地到處游走，像是毫不厭倦。他很快學(xué)會(huì)了當(dāng)?shù)氐姆窖裕玩?zhèn)上的人說(shuō)話，帶著雪崩一樣的硬硬的低沉的語(yǔ)音。他表情嚴(yán)肅地和他們交談上幾個(gè)小時(shí)，但我無(wú)法了解他們?cè)谡勑┦裁?。我感覺(jué)我丈夫拋棄了我，讓我自己照管自己。

在那，在被冰包圍的無(wú)聲世界里，我終于失去了我全部的氣力。一點(diǎn)一點(diǎn)地，一點(diǎn)一點(diǎn)地。最后，我甚至失去了感覺(jué)躁動(dòng)的能量。好像我在哪里丟掉了情感的指南針。我失去前行的目標(biāo)，失去了時(shí)間的軌跡，失去了自己全部的感知能力。

“冬天來(lái)了，”我丈夫說(shuō)?！岸鞎?huì)非常漫長(zhǎng)，不再會(huì)有飛機(jī)或者船只。一切都凍住了。看樣子我們得在這里待到春天。”

我們來(lái)到南極三個(gè)月以后，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己懷孕了。我要生下的孩子會(huì)是個(gè)冰人——我知道。我的子宮已經(jīng)凍住了，我的羊水凝結(jié)。我可以感到它在里面顫抖。我孩子將會(huì)像他父親一樣，像冰錐一樣的眼神，結(jié)霜的指尖兒。我的新家庭將不可能再走出南極一步。那永恒的過(guò)去，沉重得無(wú)法理解，抓住了我們。我們將永遠(yuǎn)不能掙脫。

現(xiàn)在我的心幾近蕩然無(wú)存。我的熱度消失得遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)的。有時(shí)我記不得那熱度是否曾經(jīng)存在過(guò)。在這個(gè)地方，我比世界上任何人都孤獨(dú)。當(dāng)我哭泣，冰男親吻我的臉頰，我的眼淚結(jié)成冰。他拿起那些結(jié)成冰的淚滴放到他的舌頭上?！翱次矣卸鄲?ài)你，”他說(shuō)。他是真誠(chéng)的。但是不知從哪里來(lái)的風(fēng)將那些白色的詞語(yǔ)吹了回去，吹回到過(guò)去。

Ice Man