“優(yōu)能中學(xué)杯”征文大賽獲獎(jiǎng)作文選登及點(diǎn)評（3）

潘妍+崔瀟

本刊2015年7月號在創(chuàng)刊十周年之際發(fā)起的主題為“我和英語有個(gè)故事”的全國中學(xué)生英語征文大賽現(xiàn)已圓滿落幕！本期我們繼續(xù)選登一篇獲獎(jiǎng)作文及北京新東方學(xué)校優(yōu)能中學(xué)老師的相應(yīng)精彩點(diǎn)評，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽二等獎(jiǎng)的一篇獲獎(jiǎng)文章。

When I was a little baby， my mom always taught me some unsophisticated English words such as "apples and bananas". When I became older， I learned English in a miraculous speed.

As an English genius， I could count from one to a hundred in English at my five. Although it is a small case for the children in a Chinese-English kindergarten， it was quite a difficulty for a young girl living in a remote city， which has no language environment. I tried to talk to a blonde Russian in English， but failed. Since then， I got afraid of speaking English.

Three years later， the most important thing that changed my attitude happened. A charming lady who used to teach university students became my new English teacher. It is she who led me to an extraordinary English world.

Her pronunciation was so attractive that I fell in love with their gracefulness. So I tried my best to imitate her. I wanted to speak English as freely as she speaks. In my life， she was a conjurer who showed me the real English world； she was a key-keeper who opened the door to my success； she was like the Eros who had shot me with her arrows to make me have a crush on English. With her help， I have developed hobbies like watching English movies and listening to English songs， even reading some original English books.

I also believe she makes English love me. If not， why can I learn English so well？ I have never recited grammar rules and English words， but just like what I wanted， now， I can speak English without fear only because I have the right feeling. While visiting Shanghai， I talked to some American girls in order to inquire of them where they had bought the goods I wanted. What's more， my brain has English mode.

Now， I am in Senior Two and my scores are always pretty high. I must say thank you to my childhood English teacher and my senior school teacher， who are not only modest but also appealing as well. No matter whether you are elegant or not， English can make you a better person.

Just like what the title has said， I love English and I have lost my heart to it. Thank you for giving me the chance to tell you about my love story with English. Now， it is what I had experienced， and the story must be continued.

When I became older是一個(gè)狀語從句，與本文第一句結(jié)構(gòu)一致，在表達(dá)上沒有什么亮點(diǎn)。同時(shí)，表示“以某種速度”要用介詞at而不是in。這里不妨體現(xiàn)與第一句的因果關(guān)系，改為：This might explain the miraculous speed at which I learned English when I became older.

首先，genius這個(gè)詞意為完全天賦異稟、異于常人的“天才”，而作者想表達(dá)的只是外語學(xué)習(xí)能力比別人好，所以用linguistic talent這個(gè)詞組更合適一些。另外，表達(dá)“在幾歲時(shí)”要說at the age of five，而不是at my five。

表達(dá)學(xué)英語對作者而言不容易，可以換個(gè)思維表述，把difficulty改為feat。之所以了不起，是因?yàn)槌抢餂]有語言環(huán)境，這里應(yīng)該更加明確地指出沒有English language environment或bilingual language environment。

這句話前面應(yīng)加上Once，表示“曾經(jīng)”，因?yàn)檫@里需要明顯的時(shí)間狀語。But可以改為插入語however，變成“however， I failed”，使文章的句式更加豐富。

首先，in my life意為“在我一生之中”，而這里要表達(dá)的只是“在我高中期間”，所以應(yīng)改為during my high school years。其次，排比和定語從句結(jié)合得很好，很出彩。用了三個(gè)定語從句把老師分別比作魔術(shù)師、打開成功之門的鑰匙保管者以及希臘神話中的愛神，三個(gè)比喻都很生動(dòng)形象。

這里用develop the habit of doing sth.這個(gè)詞組會(huì)更簡潔一些，改成I have developed the habits of watching English movies and listening to English songs。除此之外還可以用pick up a habit of doing sth.進(jìn)行替換。

此句話作者想表達(dá)的應(yīng)該是“我現(xiàn)在還認(rèn)為當(dāng)初是她讓英語愛上了我”，這個(gè)擬人的修辭用得很好，但是需要注意時(shí)態(tài)！“老師讓英語愛上我”發(fā)生在過去，并且現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)完成，所以這里肯定要用had made。大家一定要杜絕這類錯(cuò)誤。

要用不同的句型豐富文章句式，替換掉只是沒有語法錯(cuò)誤但表述平平的句子。此處可以用倒裝句，將否定詞前置。前半句用了現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)，有never這個(gè)否定詞，所以我們可以直接把never提前，將前半句改為：Never have I recited grammar rules or English words.

這里想表達(dá)的是“我的頭腦中擁有英語的思維”，但作者寫的時(shí)候犯了很多學(xué)生都愛犯的錯(cuò)：把中文直接翻譯成了英文。要注意，brain并不是有生命的物體，而且英語思維也不是長在腦子里的，所以不能直接用have。這句話可以改為：my brain has started to function in English mode.

這里不需要用現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)，為呼應(yīng)標(biāo)題內(nèi)容，這里可表述為Just as the title says。

總評

此篇文章語言比較流暢，語法錯(cuò)誤相對較少。讀罷全文，可以感覺到小作者的確很喜歡英語，而且也很自信。文中有出彩的地方，比如排比句和定語從句的結(jié)合以及中間穿插的比喻修辭。文中多次出現(xiàn)賓語從句以及定語從句等復(fù)合句，可以看出小作者對于一般從句的掌握和運(yùn)用還是很到位的。但是從句再好，也不能通篇都用。表達(dá)多樣、多種語法結(jié)構(gòu)相結(jié)合才是提升文章質(zhì)量的王道。比如可以加入一些非謂語，把這篇文章里的一些狀語從句改用非謂語作狀語來表達(dá)，增強(qiáng)可讀性。此外，還可以考慮運(yùn)用倒裝結(jié)構(gòu)和虛擬語氣。最后，小作者還要注意表達(dá)要地道?？偟膩碚f，本文雖然沒有太多語法錯(cuò)誤，但行文中還是存在一些中式思維的表達(dá)，顯得不夠地道。文中的用詞也不是很出彩——詞匯的出彩程度不是看詞匯的高深程度，而是看地道程度。所以小作者還需加油，多讀英文讀物，多學(xué)習(xí)地道的英語表達(dá)。

教師簡介：

崔瀟，北京新東方學(xué)校中考英語優(yōu)秀教師，擁有多年教學(xué)經(jīng)驗(yàn)，專業(yè)基礎(chǔ)過硬，善于幫助學(xué)生用英語思維做題，提升成績；授課風(fēng)格風(fēng)趣幽默，致力于幫助學(xué)生趣味學(xué)英語、大幅提分。