爸爸，您總是對(duì)的

Boris+Fishman

“不聽老人言，吃虧在眼前?！边@句俗語不知被“老人”們念叨了多少次，而且往往是在我們因?yàn)闆]聽“老人言”而“吃虧”的時(shí)候。盡管如此，年少輕狂的我們往往還是會(huì)一意孤行，直到有一天驀然回首，才發(fā)現(xiàn)原來那些忠言蘊(yùn)藏的都是生活的智慧。

Some years ago， having just failed out of an eight-year relationship， I was informed by my father that the woman Id end up with would “wear a woven hat， and she would have a basket of fresh eggs in her hands.”

The woman I had until recently dated， and was still massively in love with， could not have resembled this profile less， so， even though my father is not a venturesome1） person and is not given2） to oratorical3） flights of fancy4）， I nodded indulgently and ignored him. He had been getting it wrong about me for years. This didnt discourage him， or my mother， from regularly offering insight and guidance—my job was to abide it without erupting. I had learned to do that only recently， and was quite proud of my adult self-restraint.

Im still unmarried， but several hundred dates—and several summers working on a farm—later， it appears more and more likely that he will turn out to be right. Ill never look indifferently at a woman in heels， but I have become someone who wants quiet nights at home with a book in my hand and a down-to-earth partner by my side.

These days， Im on a steady diet of humble pie5） where my fathers concerned. When I was 17 and brawling6） with a friend， he told me to let it go and drift away instead of having it out7）. This was weak-kneed， bourgeois pragmatism， as far as I was concerned—if I were brave， then it would have to be brutal， relationship-imploding truth. Almost 20 years later， I see that he was right， at least when it comes to casual friends—but then how would I have passed the years without all that drama？ He was right when he said not to waste time going back to Russia； when he said that kindness matters above all in a person； when he warned me not to spend generosity and trust as cheaply as I was doing because I wanted to be an American believer instead of a Soviet cynic like him； when he … its a long list.

I have spent 20 years disagreeing with this man whom I physically resemble so closely that cashiers never have to wonder if were together in a checkout line， but with whom my points of emotional convergence were—I thought—heartbreakingly few. But the path I was traveling away from my father turns out to have been a circle.

“Youre depressed？” my father said to me during a typically woebegone8） late-20s stretch9）. “Why dont you tear yourself a new asshole10） doing some labor， and then see how depressed you are？” At the time， I dismissed him as a medieval brute. But these days， after two days a week prepping in a New York City restaurant kitchen， and another two hoeing11） and haying12） on a farm in the Hudson Valley， if my heart is not quite solved of itself， it is at least too tired to worry.

All these years， I thought we couldnt understand each other because my parents had been reared in the Soviet Union， and I mostly here. But when their advice began to make sense， I understood belatedly13） that our misunderstandings had simply to do with them being parents and me being their child. Some things really are universal.

My fathers advice du jour14） is about marriage. Very much in keeping with the advice he gave me 20 years ago， he insists that my partner should be， above all， kind. The rest will follow. I desperately want to find a way to feel this way， too， without reservations. Still， it seems too simplistic. I was once the kind of man whose eyes were closed to everything else by physical attraction. Not any more. These days， I find kindness sexy. And yet， I cant go ahead if there isnt also passion. But doesnt the evidence suggest that here， too， my father may be right about appearance， and that intellectual spark， not being so important？ And that I am about to waste God knows how many more years figuring out a way to believe it？ I just dont know.

For me， being older means knowing more， but that includes knowing more about how little I know. “I think theres something about the liminal space15） of ones 30s，” my ex-girlfriend， now a dear friend， said， “when weve become experts in some things， but not others. Its almost less annoying to just be 22 and not know anything about anything.” （There is that great line by Rilke16）： “Beware， o wanderer， the road is walking， too.”） So， knowing now all that I dont， why cant I heed what seems more and more like wise advice from my parents？ Is this a personal deviancy， a compensatory self-assertiveness for having grown up in a stifling political environment， and in a family that valued conformism17）？ A deviancy that perhaps served my creativity， if not my well-being？ （“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice； had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” —Edna St. Vincent Millay18）） Or are we all simply incapable of taking advice in the emotional realm if our intuition says otherwise？ （“You know how advice is. You only want it if it agrees with what you wanted to do anyway.” —John Steinbeck19））

I called my mother for advice on taking advice. She was most tickled to hear that I was thinking about all the good advice she and my father gave me and I failed to take. “Ive heard that there are children out there who listen to what their parents tell them，” she said， stifling a laugh. “But Ive only heard.” Then I asked her whether there was someone in her life who consistently gave her good guidance， and whether she followed it regardless of her own intuition. “There is，” she said. “And unfortunately not.”

The wrinkle20） with us is that Ive been advising my parents as long as theyve been advising me. I was 9 when we immigrated to America； I learned English the fastest， and quickly became their ambassador to an unfamiliar language and culture—in many ways， the parent to the parents. At a time when most kids are studying their first multiplication tables， I was being asked by my parents how best to approach a city agency that dispensed elder care. And how to deal with a co-worker who liked making ostensibly21） innocent fun of my mothers accent. And how to be less afraid.

The more personal the advice—the more it had to do with identity—the less likely they were to take it. In an intimate variation on the classic Soviet saying “We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us，” my parents and I pretend to take each others advice and keep asking for more， even as time tends to prove the other side correct. How to explain this ageless， self-thwarting22） stubbornness？ Family， I guess.

幾年前，我剛剛結(jié)束一場(chǎng)持續(xù)八年的戀情，父親就對(duì)我說，與我廝守終身的女人會(huì)“戴著毛線帽，手里還會(huì)拎著一籃子新鮮雞蛋”。

這個(gè)形象和我此前一直約會(huì)、那時(shí)仍然深愛著的那個(gè)女人毫無相似之處。因此，盡管我父親不是一個(gè)好冒險(xiǎn)的人，也不是一個(gè)喜歡夸夸其談、沉湎于幻想的人，但我還是在大度地點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭之后直接無視他了。多少年來，在跟我有關(guān)的問題上，他屢屢出錯(cuò)。但這并不妨礙他和我母親經(jīng)常給我提出見解和指導(dǎo)—我要做的就是洗耳恭聽，隱忍不發(fā)。那時(shí)我才剛剛學(xué)會(huì)這樣做，對(duì)于自己作為一個(gè)成年人所具有的自我約束力也頗為自豪。

我現(xiàn)在仍然是孑然一身，但在經(jīng)過了幾百次的約會(huì)—以及在農(nóng)場(chǎng)上工作了幾個(gè)夏天—之后，父親的話似乎越來越有可能應(yīng)驗(yàn)了。我永遠(yuǎn)無法心如止水地看著一個(gè)穿高跟鞋的女人，但我卻好像變了一個(gè)人，想要在家里捧著一本書，身邊坐著樸實(shí)本分的另一半，度過一個(gè)又一個(gè)寂靜的夜晚。

如今，在父親面前，我一直是認(rèn)錯(cuò)賠不是的角色。17歲的時(shí)候，我和朋友發(fā)生爭(zhēng)吵，父親告訴我就這樣算了，讓一切都過去，不要爭(zhēng)個(gè)魚死網(wǎng)破。在當(dāng)時(shí)的我看來，這是懦弱的資產(chǎn)階級(jí)實(shí)用主義行為—如果我勇敢，那就要爭(zhēng)取真相，盡管這樣會(huì)不留情面，并使朋友關(guān)系破裂。將近二十年之后，我發(fā)現(xiàn)他是對(duì)的，至少在對(duì)待普通朋友上是對(duì)的—但話又說回來，如果沒有所有那些戲劇性的經(jīng)歷，我這么多年的日子又該怎么過呢？他的話都是對(duì)的：他說不要浪費(fèi)時(shí)間回俄羅斯；他說一個(gè)人最重要的是善良；他告誡我，不要因?yàn)槲蚁氤蔀槊绹?guó)式的信仰者而不是像他那樣的蘇聯(lián)式的憤世嫉俗者，就要像現(xiàn)在這樣輕易地?fù)]霍慷慨與信賴；他說……實(shí)在不勝枚舉。

20年來，我一直和他意見相左。從身體特征上來說，我和他十分相似，以至于在排隊(duì)結(jié)賬時(shí)，收銀員從來不用懷疑我們倆是一起的。但從情感上來說，我曾經(jīng)認(rèn)為我們的交集少得令人痛心。然而我卻發(fā)現(xiàn)，我走過的要遠(yuǎn)離父親的路，繞了一圈其實(shí)又回到了起點(diǎn)。

“你覺得郁悶？”在我快30歲時(shí)典型的一段憂郁日子里，父親問我，“為什么不找點(diǎn)活干，把自己累個(gè)半死，然后再看看你還郁悶不？”當(dāng)時(shí)，我只當(dāng)他是個(gè)中世紀(jì)的野蠻人，無視他的話。但如今，我每周有兩天要在紐約市一家餐館的廚房里做學(xué)徒工，還有兩天要在哈德遜河谷的一家農(nóng)場(chǎng)里鋤地、割草。忙碌之后，如果說我的心情還沒有完全自動(dòng)好起來，至少也是累得沒工夫憂慮了。

這些年來，我一直認(rèn)為我們無法彼此理解的原因是我的父母在前蘇聯(lián)長(zhǎng)大，而我主要是在美國(guó)長(zhǎng)大。然而，當(dāng)他們的建議開始合乎情理，我才后知后覺地明白，我們的誤會(huì)不為別的，只是因?yàn)樗麄兪歉改?，而我是孩子。有些事的確是放之四海而皆準(zhǔn)的。

父親最近熱衷于提出婚姻方面的建議。跟他20年前給我的建議如出一轍，他還是堅(jiān)持說我的伴侶首先應(yīng)該善良。有了善良，別的也都會(huì)有。我也非常想找到什么辦法讓自己毫無保留地認(rèn)同這一觀點(diǎn)。不過，這似乎過于簡(jiǎn)單化了。曾經(jīng)，我是那種只注重外表的吸引力而對(duì)其他一切都視而不見的人。但現(xiàn)在不是了。如今，我發(fā)現(xiàn)善良是性感的。然而，如果不是同時(shí)具有激情，我還是走不下去。但這是否證明，父親認(rèn)為外表和智慧的火花并不是那么重要，這一點(diǎn)或許也是對(duì)的？也證明了我還要再浪費(fèi)不知多少年的時(shí)間才能有辦法相信這一點(diǎn)？我真的不知道。

對(duì)我來說，年齡越大就意味著知道得越多，但這也意味著我也越來越多地了解自己的無知?！瓣P(guān)于30多歲的人處于閾限空間這種說法，我覺得還是有道理的，”我的前女友、現(xiàn)在的好朋友這樣說過，“在這個(gè)年齡，我們?cè)谀承┓矫娉蔀閷＜遥谄渌矫鎱s不是。22歲對(duì)什么都很無知的時(shí)候，幾乎也沒有那么多煩惱?！保ɡ餇柨嗽娎锬蔷湓捳f得好：“流浪的人兒，當(dāng)心，路也是會(huì)行走的?！保┮虼?，現(xiàn)在既然知道了我的無知，為什么我就不能聽一聽父母那似乎越來越明智的建議呢？對(duì)于一個(gè)在沉悶的政治環(huán)境和重視順從的家庭環(huán)境里長(zhǎng)大的人來說，這算不算是一種個(gè)體的變異，一種補(bǔ)償性的自我主張呢？這種變異就算不是有利于個(gè)人的福祉，或許有利于我的創(chuàng)造力？（“很高興我?guī)缀鯖]有理會(huì)什么忠告；如果我聽從了忠告，或許就不會(huì)犯下某些對(duì)我很有價(jià)值的錯(cuò)誤了?！薄５履取なノ纳亍っ兹R）又或者，如果我們從直覺上排斥某些建議，是不是就無法從情感上接受呢？（“你知道忠告是怎么回事。只有在它符合你本來也想做的事時(shí)，你才會(huì)愿意接受它?！薄s翰·斯坦貝克）

我給母親打電話，想讓她在如何接受建議的問題上給我些建議。聽說我在思考她和父親曾給我提出而我未能接受的建議，她被逗樂了?！拔衣犝f有些孩子還是很聽父母的話的，”她說，強(qiáng)忍住不讓自己笑出聲來，“不過只是聽說?！苯又覇査?，在她一生中有沒有人一直給她好的引導(dǎo)，她是否不管自己的直覺就言聽計(jì)從。“有這樣的人，”她說，“不幸的是，我沒有聽從?！?/p>

我們家的問題在于，在父母給我忠告的同時(shí)，我也一直在給他們提供建議。在我們移居美國(guó)時(shí)，我才九歲。我英語學(xué)得最快，很快便成了他們與一種陌生的語言和文化之間的使者—在許多方面，我成了父母的父母。當(dāng)大多數(shù)孩子剛開始學(xué)習(xí)乘法表時(shí)，父母就已經(jīng)在問我怎樣才能更好地和負(fù)責(zé)養(yǎng)老的市政部門打交道，以及如何應(yīng)對(duì)一個(gè)喜歡拿母親的口音開玩笑的同事（盡管這些玩笑表面上并無惡意），還有怎樣減少恐懼感。

這些建議越是涉及個(gè)人—越是和身份有關(guān)—就越難被他們接受。前蘇聯(lián)有句老話：“我們假裝工作，他們假裝給我們工資?！卑堰@句話稍作修改，就是父母和我都假裝接受彼此的建議，也會(huì)尋求更多的建議，盡管時(shí)間往往證明對(duì)方才是正確的。該如何解釋這種亙古不變的自我挫敗的偏執(zhí)呢？我猜或許因?yàn)槲覀兪且患胰税伞?/p>

1. venturesome [?vent??（r）s（?）m] adj. 好冒險(xiǎn)的；大膽的；魯莽的

2. given [?ɡ?v（?）n] adj. 有癖好的，有傾向的

3. oratorical [??r??t?r?kl] adj. 愛用辭藻的；高談闊論的

4. flight of fancy：異想天開

5. humble pie：道歉；屈服；屈辱

6. brawl [br??l] vi. 爭(zhēng)吵；打架

7. have it out：通過斗爭(zhēng)（或爭(zhēng)論）解決爭(zhēng)端（或問題等）

8. woebegone [?w??b??ɡ?n] adj. （神情、樣子等）悲傷的；愁眉苦臉的

9. stretch [stret?] n. （時(shí)間上的）連續(xù)；一段時(shí)間

10. tear sb. a new asshole：虐待；狠狠責(zé)罰

11. hoe [h??] vi. 用鋤干活

12. hay [he?] vi. 割草并翻曬成干草

13. belatedly [b??le?t?dli] adv. 延誤地；遲來地

14. du jour：時(shí)興的；現(xiàn)在流行的

15. liminal space：閾限空間，在心理學(xué)中指已經(jīng)脫離一種狀態(tài)，但尚未進(jìn)入另一種狀態(tài)的模棱兩可的狀態(tài)。

16. Rilke：即賴內(nèi)·馬利亞·里爾克（Rainer Maria Rilke， 1875～1926），奧地利詩人，被譽(yù)為20世紀(jì)最偉大的德語詩人之一。

17. conformism [k?n?f??（r）m?z（?）m] n. 因循守舊，墨守成規(guī)

18. Edna St. Vincent Millay：埃德娜·圣文森特·米萊（1892～1950），美國(guó)詩人兼劇作家，曾于1923年獲普利策詩歌獎(jiǎng)。

19. John Steinbeck：約翰·斯坦貝克（1902～1968），美國(guó)作家，代表作有《憤怒的葡萄》（The Grapes of Wrath）等。

20. wrinkle [?r??k（?）l] n. 困難；難題

21. ostensibly [??stens?bli] adv. 表面上地；假裝地

22. thwart [θw??（r）t] vt. 反對(duì)，阻撓；挫敗