習(xí)作賞析：Sympathy

徐鴻鳴

文體分析

根據(jù)提示“結(jié)合事例，用英語寫一篇短文”，下文英語提示語中提出了要寫作的話題“sympathy（同情）”，并說明了同情在社會生活中尤其是人與人相處之間的的重要作用，這是一種非常明確的觀點，要求結(jié)合事例闡明這種觀點的正確性。這一提示說明了該篇文章的文體是一篇典型的議論文。

寫作要點

通常議論文應(yīng)遵循“三段論”原則，即點題→論據(jù)→結(jié)論。寫作時應(yīng)遵循以下基本原則：

1. 開門見山點題。第一段是主題段，必須一開始就以一兩句簡單且精煉的文字表明主題，不宜太長。如果所給說明已經(jīng)詳細點明了主題，也可直奔主題，而省去開頭段落。

2. 簡明扼要敘事。試題要求結(jié)合具體事例進行描述，在描述時，注意要具體、真實、生動，避免大而空或虛而泛，因此最好是自己親身經(jīng)歷或最熟悉的身邊的人或事。事例不要多而雜，一個典型的即可。記敘事例時要寫出具體過程、前因后果，過程合乎邏輯，但又不宜太長、太細，要能說明文章主題和自己的觀點，不能脫離主題隨意發(fā)揮。

3. 畫龍點睛收尾。結(jié)尾是對文章的一種歸納和總結(jié)，要求語言精煉，真正能夠起到“點睛”的作用。語句要濃縮要點，一錘定音，并首尾呼應(yīng)，這樣全文才能顯得渾然一體。

Sympathy is to humans what water is to fish. Express our sympathy and the world will be better.

When it comes to this， my memory goes back to the winter last year（改作last winter）. So cold was it that there was almost no one in the street. The cold wind blew widely and I couldnt help trembling. Suddenly， a man caught my eye. He was on a wheelchair and could hardly move， hopeless and tired. On seeing this， I felt as if my heart were broken. Without a second thought（可以刪除）， I ran to him and asked whether I could give him a hand（改為whether he needed some help）. He smiled to me and chatted with me.（改為He smiled and asked me if I could assist him find the way to the hospital.）I said， “with pleasure.” Having done this， I felt happier and warmer. Two days later， I received a gift， attached to which was a colorful card， reading “Thanks for your help. Had it not been for your golden heart， I wouldnt have made it.” It was his words that left a deep impression on me， thus making me realize the importance of sympathy.（改作His words made me realize the importance of sympathy.）

Express sympathy for whoever unlucky. Only by doing this can we make the world better.

Expressing sympathy for the persons who are unlucky is a virtue deeply rooted in our heart.

Three years ago， my aunt and uncle broke up without signs（改成any sign語氣更強）. Never can（應(yīng)為could） I imagine how life would be（加上like） in a broken family. Knowing my cousin in deep sorrow， I decided to live with her for a few days.（此句冗余，可刪除） In order to cheer her up， I told jokes to her every day. Also， I told her some stories of great men（改作people） who struggled to live. Moreover， I told her that under no circumstance（應(yīng)為復(fù)數(shù)） would I leave her. As time went by， a smile was wore（改作worn） on her face again. What moved me a lot was that she said but for my sympathy， she couldnt be（改成couldnt have been） back on her feet so quickly.

I always hold to the belief that we can put our hands on the arc of history and bend it towards the hope of a better day as long as everyone express sympathy for the unlucky persons.（換成everyone can show love to each other）

What is known to us is that not everyone is lucky. Only if we express sympathy for the persons who are unlucky can we make a better world.

I remember a character named 1900 in a film. He was a person who was lost（換成deserted） by his parents. Not having parents（換成Without parents）， he always got bullied by others. Surrounded with laughter， he just wanted to die. It was a person whose name was Max that changed his life. Max showed deep sympathy for 1900. His sympathy gave 1900 the courage to live and try to achieve his life goal. Not only had Maxs sympathy changed（改成did... change） 1900s world but it（可去掉） changed his own.

I firmly believe that as long as we express sympathy for the unlucky people， we are bound to make a better world which is more beautiful than you had（改成have） expected.