習作點評

汪璇

書面表達題目：

請根據(jù)下列提示，并結合事例，用英語寫一篇短文。

As an proverb says， there is no such thing as a free lunch. Success doesnt come to anyone who sits back and does nothing at all.

注意：

（1）無須寫標題，不得照抄英語提示語；

（2）除詩歌外，文體不限；

（3）字數(shù)為120左右

習作1

There is no doubt that we should struggle for our life. There is an old saying， “As you sow， so let them reap.” It is the experience of our forefathers. However， it is true in many cases even today.

When I was fourteen， the final examination was drawing near， all our classmates reviewed the notes that related to the lessons. But I thought it didnt make much difference to me. ①What is more， I still ignored what the teachers said in class and played everyday. ②The reason why I addicted to playing rather than studying hard was that I believe I must be successful. As a consequence， I failed in the exam. Without any doubt， I was punished by my parents. ③Only then did I realize that whatever you want to achieve， you have got to work hard.

④Simply as my story may seem， it sets us thinking more about the significance of working hard. ⑤It was in this way that we can achieve our dreams.

這篇文章涵蓋了題目給出的所有信息，句子與段落之間使用了恰當?shù)倪^渡詞，使整篇文章銜接緊密。另外全文運用了多處高級句式和表達，是一篇優(yōu)秀的學生習作。

①前一句話認為“復習與否沒什么太大關系，后面進一步說自己上課還不認真聽課”，前后是遞進關系，whats more連接詞的恰當運用。類似表遞進的連接詞還有：in addition， besides， furthermore， moreover等。

②書面表達要求同學們具備使用一定句型的能力。本句較好地使用了表語從句The reason why... is/ was that “……的原因就是……”

③盡量使用高級句式和高級詞匯，得分會高一檔。本句使用了only接時間狀語置于句首，該句使用部分倒裝結構。

④as表示“雖然，盡管”把形容詞置于句首的部分倒裝句，自然過渡，使文章增色不少。另外在總結段落，同學們可以用in brief， in conclusion， on the whole， to summarize這些短語。

⑤本句使用了強調句式，強調方式狀語，“就是用這種方法我們才能實現(xiàn)我們的夢想”it is/was + 被強調的部分+其他。另外，同學們在平時寫作練習中，可以嘗試強調句的其他結構，比如有疑問詞的強調句，一般疑問句等結構。

習作2

As we all know， no pains， no gains. ①Only after you make every endeavor to do it you can be successful.

②I still remember the days when I do bad in maths. But I didnt care.. I thought I was clever and I could get good grades. But I failed in the mid-term exam. My father told me that there was no such thing as a free lunch. ③Therefore I started doing some exercise and listening the teachers carefully. In the end， I passed the final exam.

④From what I have learned from my own experience， I know success doesnt come naturally.

這篇文章基本完成了寫作要求，主題內容與提示吻和，語法結構與詞匯應用基本準確，但是文章字數(shù)不夠，部分表達出現(xiàn)錯誤。請同學們看看下面這幾句。

①only + 時間狀語置于句首，句子需要用部分倒裝，情態(tài)動詞can應該放在主語you的前面。因此大家在語法學習應特別注意這些細節(jié)，完成句子、書面表達都是對語法內容的考查。

②對過去事情的描述，句子應該用過去時態(tài)。本句建議改為I would like to share my experience with you. I still remember the days when I did bad in maths。同學們在審題時候，不僅應該注意題目要求，而且對時態(tài)、人稱等都要留心。

③exercise表示“習題，練習”為可數(shù)名詞，另外為了避免句式單一，本句建議改為Having done some exercises and listened carefully， I made much progress. 同學們在平時寫作潤色中，可以適當增加較復雜的高級句型，比如：名詞性從句、定語從句、it句型、分詞作狀語等。

④避免漢語思維，本句建議改為What I have learned from my own experience is that success doesnt come naturally. 為了在書面表達中避免中文思維痕跡，建議大家多看英文原著、報刊雜志，從中體會中西表達的差異，把錯誤進行分類糾正，然后把詞匯融入語境中練習。

總之，同學們在寫書面表達時，在講究詞匯與句式的高級表達的同時，更應該注意語言的合理行與連貫性。endprint