為愛(ài)結(jié)婚

by Tessa Hadley

特莎·哈德利（Tessa Hadley），英國(guó)女作家。1957年出生于英格蘭布里斯托爾一個(gè)文學(xué)藝術(shù)氛圍濃厚的家庭。曾就讀于劍橋大學(xué)，主修英國(guó)文學(xué)，獲得巴斯斯巴大學(xué)文學(xué)創(chuàng)作碩士學(xué)位。目前就職于該大學(xué)，教授文學(xué)和寫作。其主要代表作品有：長(zhǎng)篇小說(shuō)處女作《家中事故》（2002），曾入圍《衛(wèi)報(bào)》小說(shuō)新人獎(jiǎng)；長(zhǎng)篇小說(shuō)《一切都會(huì)好起來(lái)》（2003）和《主臥室》（2007）；短篇小說(shuō)集《中暑》（2007）以及文學(xué)評(píng)論集《亨利·詹姆斯和性幻想》（2002）。除此之外，她還為英國(guó)BBC廣播電臺(tái)創(chuàng)作過(guò)一個(gè)劇本——《溫蒂屋》（2005）。

哈德利熱衷于描述家庭關(guān)系的紊亂以及這種紊亂所造成的后果。她一直試圖用自己的文字在有限的可能范圍內(nèi)警示女性應(yīng)當(dāng)如何選擇生活并以怎樣的生活態(tài)度在社會(huì)中立足。與此同時(shí)，哈德利還時(shí)常批判一些不知感恩的年輕一代。

這些寫作風(fēng)格在《為愛(ài)結(jié)婚》中可謂盡顯：一個(gè)是不顧家人反對(duì)選擇了跟與自己父親年齡相仿的男人結(jié)婚的新娘洛蒂，一個(gè)是身邊圍繞著各種花草蝴蝶、張口閉口都是藝術(shù)的再婚老新郎埃德加，這對(duì)從頭頂發(fā)髻到腳底毛完全不和諧的新婚夫婦在婚后的生活一如我們所預(yù)料的那樣：多子、肥胖、貧窮、世俗、乏味且頻臨觸礁。而以哈德利的寫作習(xí)慣，我們不難想象，這種連主流社會(huì)都會(huì)糅以鄙視的婚姻又能存活多久？為“愛(ài)”結(jié)婚不假，殊不知，愛(ài)也跟英語(yǔ)考試一樣，它分級(jí)！

The wedding was held in a registry office， with a blessing at a church afterward； Edgar insisted on the Elizabethan prayer book and the Authorized Version of the Bible. He composed， for the occasion， a setting for Spensers“Epithalamion” and one of his students sang it at the reception， which was in a sixteenth-century manor house with a famous garden that belonged to the university.

Lottie was wearing 1）contact lenses and， without her glasses， her face seemed weakly， 2）blandly expectant. A white flower fastened behind her ear slid gradually down her cheek during the course of the afternoon until it was bobbing against her chin. She clung to Edgar with uncharacteristic little movements， touching at his hand with her fingertips， dropping her forehead to rest against his upper arm while he spoke， or throwing back her head to gaze into his face.

“It wont last，” Duncan reassured his other children.

To Edgars credit， he seemed 3）sheepish under the familys 4）scrutiny， and did his best to 5）jolly Lottie along， circulating with her arm tucked into his， playing the gentle public man， distinguished in his extreme thinness， his suit made out of some kind of rough gray silk. You would have picked him out in any gathering as subtle and thoughtful and well informed. But there werent really quite enough people at the reception to make it feel like a success： the atmosphere was constrained； the sun never came out from behind a mottled thick lid of cloud. After the drink ran out and the students had melted away， too much 6）dispiriting white hair seemed to show up in the knots of guests remaining， like snow in the flower beds. Duncan overheard someone， sotto voce， refer to the 7）newlyweds as “Little Nell and her grandfather.”

Valerie phoned Lottie a week or so after the wedding to ask whether she knew that Edgar had tried the same thing the year before with the student who had sung at the reception， a tall beautiful black girl with a career ahead of her. Everyone knew about this because Valerie had also telephoned Hattie. When Hattie asked Lottie about it， Lottie only made one of her horrible new gestures， folding her hands together and letting her head droop， smiling secretively into her lap. “Its all right， Mum，” she said. “He tells me everything. We dont have secrets. Soraya is an exceptional， gifted young woman. I love her， too.”

Hattie hated the way every opinion Lottie offered now seemed to come from both of them： we like this； we always do that； we dont like this. They didnt like supermarkets； they didnt like Muzak in restaurants； they didnt like television costume dramas. As Duncan put it， they generally found that the modern world came out disappointingly below their expectations. Hattie said that she wasnt ready to have Edgar in her house yet.

The university agreed that it was acceptable for Lottie to continue with her studies， as long as she didnt take any of Edgars classes； but， of course， he carried on working with her on her violin playing. Her old energy seemed to be directed inward now； she glowed with the promise of her future. She grew paler than ever， and wore her hair loose， and bought silky indeterminate dresses at the 8）charity shops. Hattie saw her unexpectedly from behind once and thought for a moment that her own daughter was a stranger， a stumpy little child playing on the streets in clothes from a dress-up box. Edgar and Lottie were renting a flat not far from Hattie and Duncan， tiny， with an awful galley kitchen and the landlords furniture， but filled with music. He and Lottie were pretty hard up， but at first they carried this off， too， as if it were a sign of something rare and fine.

“God knows what they eat，” Hattie said.“Lottie doesnt know how to boil an egg. Probably Edgar doesnt know how to boil one， either. Ill bet hes had women running around him all his life.”

Then Lottie began to have babies. Familiarity had just started to silt up around the whole improbable idea of her and Edgar as a couple—high-minded， humorless， poignant in their unworldliness—when everything 9）jolted onto this new track. Three diminutive girls arrived in quick succession， and life at Lottie and Edgars， which had seemed to drift with eighteenth-century underwater slowness， snapped into noisy， earthy， and chaotic contemporaneity.

Lottie in pregnancy was as swollen as a beach ball； afterward， she never recovered her neat boxy little figure， or that dreamily 10）submissive phase of her personality. She became bossy， busy， cross； she abandoned her degree. She chopped off her hair with her own scissors， and mostly wore baggy tracksuit bottoms and T-shirts. Their tiny flat was submerged under packs of disposable 11）nappies， cots， toys， washing， nursing bras and breast pads， a 12）playpen， books on babies， books for babies. The tenant below them left in disgust， and they moved downstairs for the sake of the extra bedroom. As soon as the girls could 13）toddle， they 14）trashed Edgars expensive audio equipment. He had to spend more and more time in his room at the university， anyway—he couldnt afford to turn down any commissions. Now Lottie spoke with emotion only about her children and about money.

The girls were all 15）christened， but Lottie was more managerial than 16）rapt during the ceremonies： Had everyone turned up who had promised？ With the fervor of a convert to practicality， she planned her days and steered through them. Duncan taught her to drive， and she bought a battered old Ford Granada， 17）unsubtle as a tank， and fitted it with child seats， ferrying the girls around from nursery to swimming to birthday parties to baby gym. She was impatient if anyone tried to turn the conversation around to art or music， unless it was Tiny Tots ballet. She seemed to be carrying around， under the surface of her intolerant contempt for 18）idleness， a burning unexpressed message about her used-up youth， her put-aside talent.

“She ought to be 19）abashed，” Hattie said once. “We warned her. Instead， she seems to be angry with us.”

Hattie had been longing for early retirement， but she decided against it， fearing that the empty days might only fill up with grandchildren. She believed that in the mirror she could see the signs in her face—like threads drawn tight—of the strain of these extra years of teaching that she had not wanted.

婚禮在婚姻登記處舉行，隨后再到教堂接受牧師的祝福。埃德加堅(jiān)決要求用伊麗莎白時(shí)代的祈禱書(shū)和《欽定版圣經(jīng)》。他臨時(shí)譜曲，以斯賓塞的詩(shī)《婚后曲》為詞，讓他的一個(gè)學(xué)生在婚宴上演唱?；檠缭O(shè)在一個(gè)16世紀(jì)的莊園里，里面有個(gè)著名的花園，現(xiàn)歸大學(xué)所有。

洛蒂戴上了隱形眼鏡，去掉框架眼鏡，她的臉?biāo)坪跞崛岬爻錆M了期待。別在耳后的一朵白花在一下午的婚禮中沿著她的臉頰一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)往下滑，最后滑到下巴之際動(dòng)彈著。她挽著埃德加，動(dòng)作纖巧，與平素判若兩人：用指尖輕觸他的手，在他說(shuō)話時(shí)，垂下頭用前額貼著他的上臂，或是揚(yáng)起頭凝視他的臉。

“不會(huì)長(zhǎng)久的?！编嚳细牧硗鈳讉€(gè)孩子打包票。

為埃德加增光的是，在全家人的密切注視下他顯得很靦腆。他竭力哄洛蒂開(kāi)心，挽著她的胳膊四處周旋，扮演著彬彬有禮的公眾人物角色。他穿著粗糙的灰色絲質(zhì)禮服，因?yàn)闃O其瘦削而格外引人注目。在任何聚會(huì)場(chǎng)合里，他總能給人一種細(xì)膩體貼且見(jiàn)多識(shí)廣的印象。只是出席婚宴的人不是很多，難以讓人覺(jué)得辦得很成功：氣氛有些拘謹(jǐn)，太陽(yáng)也一直沒(méi)有從斑駁的厚云層中露出臉來(lái)。喜酒喝畢，學(xué)生逐漸散去后，剩下的賓客大多白發(fā)斑斑，像花床上的雪，暮氣煞人。鄧肯無(wú)意中聽(tīng)到有人壓低嗓音說(shuō)這一對(duì)新人像“小耐兒和她的外公”。

婚禮結(jié)束后的一個(gè)星期左右，瓦萊麗給洛蒂打了電話，問(wèn)她是否知道埃德加一年前也曾向那個(gè)在其婚宴上唱歌的學(xué)生示愛(ài)。那是個(gè)高挑漂亮、前程似錦的黑人女孩。這件事人人皆知，因?yàn)橥呷R麗也給哈蒂打過(guò)電話。當(dāng)哈蒂對(duì)洛蒂提起此事時(shí)，洛蒂只是擺了個(gè)令人生厭的新姿勢(shì)：雙手交疊起來(lái)，垂下頭竊笑?！皼](méi)事兒的，媽媽，”她說(shuō)，“他對(duì)我無(wú)所不談。我們之間沒(méi)有秘密。索拉雅很出色，是個(gè)有才華的年輕姑娘。我也喜歡她。”

現(xiàn)在洛蒂每發(fā)表一個(gè)看法都像是兩人的意見(jiàn)，這讓哈蒂很厭惡。我們喜歡這個(gè)；我們總是那樣做；我們不喜歡這個(gè)。他們不喜歡逛超市；他們不喜歡餐廳里放的背景輕音樂(lè)；他們不喜歡古裝電視劇。如鄧肯所言，他們普遍認(rèn)為現(xiàn)代社會(huì)的水準(zhǔn)低于期望值，令人掃興。哈蒂說(shuō)她一時(shí)還接受不了這個(gè)新女婿。

大學(xué)同意洛蒂繼續(xù)學(xué)業(yè)，只是規(guī)定其不能選修埃德加所授的任何課程；當(dāng)然，他還是會(huì)繼續(xù)指導(dǎo)洛蒂拉小提琴。她往日的活力現(xiàn)在似乎收斂了；她因前途光明而暗生喜悅。她臉色比從前更加蒼白，頭發(fā)松散開(kāi)來(lái)，穿著從慈善商店買的那些來(lái)路不明的絲質(zhì)衣服。哈蒂有次不經(jīng)意間瞧見(jiàn)了她的背影，有那么一會(huì)兒還以為自己的女兒是個(gè)陌生人——一個(gè)穿著從玩具娃娃換裝衣櫥里挑來(lái)的服飾，在街頭玩耍的矮胖小孩。埃德加和洛蒂在距離她父母家不遠(yuǎn)處租了套小公寓，廚房窄得可憐，家具也是房東的，只是彌漫著音樂(lè)。他和洛蒂的生活非常拮據(jù)，但至少有自己的小窩，像是什么稀罕好東西似的。

“天知道他們都吃些什么，”哈蒂說(shuō)，“洛蒂連只雞蛋都不會(huì)煮，埃德加可能也不會(huì)。我敢說(shuō)他這輩子一直都有女人為他忙東忙西?！?img src="https://cimg.fx361.com/images/2018/07/08/qkimagesfkyyfkyy201312fkyy20131217-5-l.jpg"/>

這時(shí)，洛蒂開(kāi)始生孩子了。她和埃德加清高嚴(yán)肅、完全不諳世事，整樁婚事看起來(lái)就難以想象，正當(dāng)人們剛開(kāi)始接受他倆結(jié)合的事實(shí)，一切又沿著新的道路顛簸前進(jìn)了。三個(gè)嬌小的女嬰很快就一個(gè)接一個(gè)地降生了。此前，洛蒂和埃德加的生活像18世紀(jì)的一股暗流悠緩涌動(dòng)，現(xiàn)在卻快速進(jìn)入了喧鬧、世俗而嘈雜的現(xiàn)代社會(huì)。

懷孕時(shí)的洛蒂胖得像個(gè)沙灘球，生完孩子后再也沒(méi)有恢復(fù)成原來(lái)靈巧、嬌小微豐的身材，她性格中溫順的夢(mèng)幻時(shí)期也過(guò)去了。她變得專橫、忙碌、愛(ài)發(fā)脾氣，學(xué)業(yè)也放棄了。她自己用剪子把長(zhǎng)發(fā)剪掉，大多數(shù)時(shí)間穿著肥大的運(yùn)動(dòng)褲和T恤衫。他們的蝸居徹底淪陷，堆滿了成捆的尿不濕、嬰兒床、玩具、臟衣服、哺乳乳罩及乳貼、嬰兒圍欄、育兒圖書(shū)和寶寶讀物。住在他們樓下的房客出于厭惡而搬走，他們于是搬到下面去，因?yàn)槟莾河卸嘁粋€(gè)臥室。女孩兒們剛學(xué)會(huì)走路，就把埃德加價(jià)格不菲的音響設(shè)備毀掉了。他不得不花越來(lái)越多的時(shí)間呆在大學(xué)的辦公室里——他不能推掉任何賺外快的作曲邀約了?，F(xiàn)在洛蒂只有在提起孩子和錢的時(shí)候才會(huì)激動(dòng)。

三個(gè)女兒都接受了洗禮。在洗禮儀式上，洛蒂為這天的安排各種操心，根本說(shuō)不上為洗禮神傾欣喜：答應(yīng)要來(lái)的人都到場(chǎng)了嗎？轉(zhuǎn)投世俗實(shí)務(wù)麾下的她，帶著新的激情制訂著日程計(jì)劃，然后一一按本子辦事。鄧肯教會(huì)她開(kāi)車，她于是買了輛二手的福特格蘭納達(dá)，車身像坦克一樣不靈活。她裝上了兒童車座，就這樣載著女孩子們到處轉(zhuǎn)悠：從托兒所到游泳池到生日宴會(huì)再到少兒健身房。如果有人試圖把話題轉(zhuǎn)向藝術(shù)或音樂(lè)，她就會(huì)變得不耐煩，只有談起幼兒芭蕾時(shí)是個(gè)例外。表面上她看不慣也瞧不起懶散行為，實(shí)際上那飽含著一個(gè)如火般熾熱卻不曾言說(shuō)的信息：她的青春耗盡了，天資也荒廢了。

“她應(yīng)該感到羞愧，”哈蒂曾說(shuō)過(guò)，“我們警告過(guò)她。而她竟然好像還生我們的氣。”

以前哈蒂一直很想早點(diǎn)退休，現(xiàn)在卻不愿退休了。她怕空閑的日子會(huì)被外孫女們填滿。她相信從鏡中自己的臉上就能看出征兆——就像繃緊的繩子——過(guò)度的壓力造成的，原本不想上課了卻還要再多教幾年了。