一個(gè)慣偷的自白

Author Unknown

I do it every day， sometimes 20 to 30 times. I move from shop to shop， taking what I need， what I dont need. As long as I come away with something， Im OK. On a bad day， I rack up hundreds of pounds worth of clothes， makeup， food and jewellery. The more I get， the better the high. Ive done it thousands of times， but Ive been caught only a few. Im not proud. I know its wrong and I feel awful about it. Just not enough to stop. I used to put it down to greed， but it feels like more than that. Its an addiction. If Im feeling stressed， its like pulling a 1）trigger and the next minute Im in a shop putting stuff in my bag to make me feel better.

Friends who find out what I do are shocked. I dont drink or do drugs； I have a degree， dress nicely， carry myself well. But I see it as my private thing， my release. Its my way of self-soothing， like a 2）security blanket， which in turn becomes a sort of selfharming， a way of confirming in my own mind that Im a bad person.

It all started when I was a 3）toddler. My mother used to steal in front of me and my sisters—her little girls would all watch， not knowing that what she was doing was wrong. One of my first memories is of her taking food from supermarkets： steak， expensive joints of lamb. She wouldnt try to 4）conceal it. My dad would do it， too， for no reason. They never needed to， they both worked， but I suppose they enjoyed the risk.

As a child， I felt I led a double life. At school I was intelligent， popular and funny； I would make people laugh. At home I was miserable. My parents argued and I would have to listen to their problems. I felt isolated from my sisters， who were much younger than me.

I didnt have much pocket money， so I would 5）shoplift and give things to friends. As a child， you know stealing isnt allowed， but after what I had witnessed， it seemed normal to me. Confusingly， my parents were moral in other ways—they worked hard and taught us to pull together as a family—but stealing was a big weakness， and they passed it on to me.

When my parents 6）split up， the stealing increased. It got me through university， kept me ticking over financially. Then it started to become more compulsive； I would feel the urge rising in me， the need to go to the nearest shopping centre and pinch.

What I decide to steal doesnt really make sense to me； most of it I never use. Fake tan， for instance—Ive taken more than 250 bottles of the stuff over the years， and never once used it. Theyre all lined up at home， unopened.

Its all connected to the way I feel at the time. I take the tanning lotion when Im disappointed in myself， so the bottles have 7）stacked up. I have a pile of costume jewellery， too. I dont know why. Its all down to this awful habit I have of hating myself. If my mood is low， if Im anxious or Ive had an argument， these are the times Ill really go for it. While Im stealing， I feel almost 8）euphoric but also disconnected， as if Im dreaming or someone else is doing it. This feeling will last for a while， but then a dread realisation kicks in and my mood 9）plunges. Im painfully aware what I do is wrong， yet I feel I have very little control.

Things 10）escalated after my partner left me for another woman. The feelings of rejection and anger created a void， one that I filled with more stealing. At my lowest， when I felt most depressed and detached， I would shoplift all day on autopilot. I have been diagnosed with 11）borderline personality disorder； the symptoms can include feelings of emptiness and impulsive behaviour. It is a relief at least to have an explanation for my behaviour.

Ive been caught three times， and on my last court appearance I was given a 12）conditional discharge. The 13）magistrate said he would give me one more chance. If Im caught again， I will go to prison， which I just cant face. Ive started counselling now. Im working towards a maths qualification and for the first time I feel inspired to stop. I believe my addiction is treatable， even though Ill probably always have to fight the urge. Ive never been offered anything like this before and Im learning that Im not all bad. I can be helped.

我每天都會(huì)偷東西，有時(shí)候一天要偷20到

30次。我穿梭流連于店鋪之間，拿走我需要、不需要的東西。只要能帶走點(diǎn)什么，我就會(huì)感覺良好。嚴(yán)重起來，我會(huì)一日之內(nèi)卷走價(jià)值幾百英鎊的衣服、化妝品、食物和珠寶。我偷到的越多，心情就越爽。我已經(jīng)偷過幾千次了，但只被抓住過幾次而已。我并不引以為傲。我知道這不對(duì)，也為此感覺很糟。但這卻不足以讓我因此而停手。我曾將之歸結(jié)為貪婪，但感覺似乎不止于此。那是一種癮癥。如果我感覺到壓抑，那就像是扣動(dòng)了扳機(jī)，下一分鐘我便會(huì)現(xiàn)身于某個(gè)店鋪，把貨品塞進(jìn)我的包包，以此讓自己感覺好些。

那些發(fā)現(xiàn)了我所作所為的朋友們都感到震驚。我既不酗酒，也不吸毒；我有學(xué)位，衣著得體，舉止文雅。但我將偷竊視作自己的私事，我的發(fā)泄。這是我自我撫慰的方式，就像是塊兒安全毯，但反過來它又變成了一種自我傷害，令我在自己內(nèi)心證實(shí)：我是一個(gè)壞人。

一切都始于我尚在蹣跚學(xué)步的時(shí)期。我母親過去常常在我和妹妹們面前偷竊——她年幼的女兒們?nèi)伎丛谘劾?，并不知道她正在做的事情是錯(cuò)誤的。我最初的記憶之一便是她從超市里竊走食物：牛排、昂貴的羔羊腿肉。她從未試圖遮掩這種行為。我爸爸也會(huì)這么做，卻毫無理由。他們從不需要這樣做，因?yàn)樗麄z都有工作，而我猜想他們是喜歡這種刺激。

小時(shí)候，我覺得自己過著雙重生活。在學(xué)校里，我聰明，受人歡迎，風(fēng)趣可愛；我能逗得人們開懷大笑。在家里，我卻痛苦不堪。父母親爭(zhēng)吵不斷，我得無奈地聽他們?cè)V苦。我覺得自己同妹妹們孤立開來了，她們都比我年幼得多。

我沒有多少零花錢，所以我會(huì)去商店里偷東西，然后送給朋友們。小時(shí)候，你知道偷東西是不被允許的，但耳濡目染之下，這對(duì)于我來說很平常。令人疑惑的是，我的父母親在其他方面都品性端正——他們工作努力并教導(dǎo)我們作為一家人要齊心協(xié)力——但偷竊是個(gè)致命的癖好，而他們將其傳給了我。

當(dāng)父母離異之后，我偷竊的次數(shù)也增加了。我因而得以讀完大學(xué)，在經(jīng)濟(jì)上能勉強(qiáng)過活。之后，這種行為開始變得更具強(qiáng)迫性了；我能感覺到心里冉冉升起的那股沖動(dòng)，那種去到最近的購物中心偷竊的需要。

實(shí)際上，我決定要偷的東西對(duì)于我來說并沒什么用處；其中的大部分我從來都不用。比如說，美黑霜——在過去數(shù)年里，我已經(jīng)偷了超過250瓶這種東西了，卻從未用過一次，都被我一字排開放在家里，沒開過封。

這都和我當(dāng)時(shí)的心情有關(guān)。當(dāng)我對(duì)自己感到失望時(shí)就會(huì)去偷助曬油，所以這些瓶瓶罐罐已然堆積成山。我也有一大堆人造珠寶。我也不知道為什么。這全都?xì)w結(jié)于我這種怨恨自己的可怕習(xí)慣。如果我心情低落，感到焦慮或與人爭(zhēng)吵過，在這些時(shí)候我就真的會(huì)去偷東西。在偷竊的時(shí)候，我感到心情舒暢，但又自我脫離，似乎正在做夢(mèng)，或是感覺正在偷竊的是另有其人。這種感覺將會(huì)持續(xù)一段時(shí)間，但接著，一種可怕的意識(shí)闖了進(jìn)來，我的心情便急轉(zhuǎn)直下。我痛苦地意識(shí)到自己的行為是錯(cuò)誤的，但又覺得自己幾乎無法控制。

在我的愛人因?yàn)榱硪粋€(gè)女人離開我之后，情況更嚴(yán)重了。那些背棄和憤怒的感覺衍生了一種空虛，一種讓我實(shí)施更多的偷竊去填補(bǔ)的空虛。在情緒最低落，感到最消沉和孤獨(dú)的時(shí)候，我會(huì)不由自主地整天去店鋪里偷竊。我被診斷為邊緣性人格障礙；其癥狀包括空虛感和沖動(dòng)行為。這也算是一種慰藉，至少對(duì)于我的行為有個(gè)解釋。

我被抓住過三次，而在最后一次出庭時(shí)，我被判決有條件釋放。地方法官說，他愿意再給我一次機(jī)會(huì)。如果我再被抓到偷東西，就會(huì)進(jìn)監(jiān)獄，這是我無法面對(duì)的?，F(xiàn)在我已開始接受輔導(dǎo)。我正努力考取一個(gè)數(shù)學(xué)證書，并生平第一次感到深受鼓舞想停止偷竊。我相信我的癮癥是可以治療的，雖然很有可能我終生都要與那種沖動(dòng)斗爭(zhēng)。我這輩子從未得到過任何像這樣的幫助，而且我也認(rèn)識(shí)到，自己并不是個(gè)徹頭徹尾的壞人。我是能被救治的。