盲人畫家

John Bramblitt

The first year that I lost my eyesight I didnt do any art. It didnt even occur to me to try to draw， and Id drawn all my life. I was in the deepest， darkest hole. I really felt like I had no worth anymore. Whenever you lose your eyesight， there is a disconnect with people. I wanted to let people know that I was still me， that I was still in here. And finally I knew I had to get my hands dirty， I had to get back into art. Even if it was wrong， if it was crazy…

在我失明的第一年，我并沒有從事任何藝術(shù)創(chuàng)作。我甚至沒有想過要去畫畫，而我應(yīng)當(dāng)畫一輩子的。我當(dāng)時(shí)仿佛掉進(jìn)了無(wú)底深淵，我真的覺得我沒有什么價(jià)值了。人一旦失明之后，就會(huì)跟其他人斷絕了聯(lián)系。但我想讓人們知道，我依然是我，我依然在這里。最后我意識(shí)到，我必須開始作畫，我得回到藝術(shù)的軌道上。即使這看起來(lái)是個(gè)錯(cuò)誤的決定，即使這顯得很瘋狂……

I started one evening with this paint that dries really fast and it leaves a raised line， and I drew all that night， but， you know， this…this pretty much makes it official， “John， youre crazy.” And I would just 1）crumple up paper， cause Id make a mistake， Id crumple it up， Id throw it down. I was sitting on the floor and I drew all that night. By the next morning， I was surrounded by paper. It was like…it was like I was sitting in a little white nest of paper， and I had this weird feeling， you know. For a second I almost thought I was getting sick or something and it occurred to me， it was hope.

The raised lines are a map for me. Its a way to guide myself across the 2）canvas. The way I tell colour， it depends on the…on the type of paint. When I first started painting it was all oil paints， and I love oil. I worked 14， 16， 18 hours a day every day for about three months， mixing a little bit of one with the， you know， seeing how that felt， mixing a little bit， adding some thinner， seeing how that felt， just mixing them. If Im working with a black， itll be runny， almost like oil. And if Im working with a 3）titanium white， its like toothpaste. So whenever Im mixing these two paints， they feel completely different. So if I want a grey halfway between， I just mix for a texture thats halfway between that really loose feeling and that really thick feeling. And it turns out thats a really precise way of…of mixing colour.

那是從某天晚上開始，我用一種干得很快的顏料作畫，這種顏料會(huì)在畫板上留下一條凸起的線。那晚，我整晚都在畫畫。但是，你知道，這似乎證明了一點(diǎn)，“約翰，你太瘋狂了。”我把紙揉成一團(tuán)，因?yàn)槊慨?dāng)我畫錯(cuò)了，我就把紙揉爛，然后把它們?nèi)拥?。我就這樣坐在地板上畫了一宿。到了第二天早上，我發(fā)現(xiàn)我周圍都是紙團(tuán)。就像……就像是我坐在了用紙張筑成的白色小巢里，你知道，我當(dāng)時(shí)就是有這樣一種奇怪的感覺。有那么一瞬，我?guī)缀跤X得我病了，或其他不舒服之類的，但它卻讓我感覺到了——希望。

那些凸起的線條簡(jiǎn)直就是我的地圖，指導(dǎo)我在畫布上作畫。我區(qū)分顏色的方法取決于……取決于顏料的種類。我剛開始作畫的時(shí)候，用的都是油畫顏料，因?yàn)槲蚁矚g油畫。我每天都畫上14、16、18個(gè)小時(shí)，我這樣堅(jiān)持了三個(gè)月。我試著每天混合不同的顏料，你知道，感受一下新顏料的觸感；再混進(jìn)一點(diǎn)顏料，加上一點(diǎn)稀釋劑，再感受一下；只是這樣把它們混合在一起。如果我用的是黑色的，那它應(yīng)該是比較稀的，差不多跟油一樣。如果我用的是鈦白色，那它摸起來(lái)像牙膏。所以，不管什么時(shí)候，我把這兩個(gè)顏料混合起來(lái)，它們都會(huì)給你完全不同的感覺。那么，如果我需要一個(gè)淡灰色，我就會(huì)把顏料混合在一起，尋找摸起來(lái)感覺在稀松與粘稠之間的混合物。我發(fā)現(xiàn)，這真是一個(gè)調(diào)顏色的精確方式。

Jackie， shes my love， shes brilliant. Shes courageous too because Im a blind painter， and she married a blind painter. So， I mean， youve really gotta give her credit for that， for having the vision. I have a 3？ year-old son now. The seconds after he was born， I was able to feel his face and see what he looks like. Thats such a gift！ The feelings I had， feeling his face when he was born.

Art has opened up the world to me in a…in a whole new way. I see things in a new way. I see less， you know， I have to feel to see， but what I do see， I see with a lot more detail and with a lot more emotion to it. Painting is the way that I know the world now， its the way I visualize the world. Its my connection to it.

I love my family. You know， I love my son， I love my wife， but painting is just a part of me. I didnt paint before I lost my eyesight， but it was because I was too afraid. I had a fear， like， I knew that I wouldnt be a very good painter. It wasnttil after I lost my eyesight that I wasnt afraid to fail anymore. The first step into my art career was going blind. I was an 4）epileptic and I was blind， and now Im ten…ten years later Im still an epileptic， Im still blind， and Im happier than Ive ever been in my life. Life has more colour， I have more love in my life， and I think what I learned from losing my eyesight and finding art is just to try to stay in the moment； be in the moment as much as you can.

杰姬，我的愛人，她真的很棒。她也勇氣可嘉，因?yàn)槲沂且粋€(gè)盲人畫家，而她嫁給了我這個(gè)盲人畫家。所以，我的意思是，她的遠(yuǎn)見，這是她了不起的地方。我現(xiàn)在有一個(gè)三歲半的兒子，他剛出生的時(shí)候，我就可以摸到他的臉，也因此能“看到”他的長(zhǎng)相了。那真是上蒼賜給我的禮物！上天賜給我這樣的能力，讓我可以在他出生之時(shí)感受到他的臉。

藝術(shù)用一種全新的方式為我開啟了一扇通往世界的門。我用一種新的方式看世界。我能看到的比較少，你知道，我只能通過感覺去看世界。但是我這樣去看，我在意更多細(xì)致之處，我投入更豐沛的感情?，F(xiàn)在，作畫是我認(rèn)識(shí)世界的途徑，是我看世界的途徑，是把我和世界連接的途徑。

我愛我的家庭。你知道，我愛我的兒子，我愛我的妻子，繪畫僅僅是我生活中的一部分。在我失明之前（編者注：指得了癲癇到失明的那段時(shí)期），我沒有繪畫，但那只是因?yàn)槲姨ε铝?。我有這樣一種恐懼感，就像，我覺得我不會(huì)是一個(gè)技藝精湛的畫家。但自從我失明之后，我再也不怕失敗了。直通我藝術(shù)生涯的第一步就是失明。我是個(gè)癲癇癥患者，我是個(gè)盲人，十年之后的今天，我依然是癲癇患者，我依舊是盲人，但這卻是我人生中最幸福的時(shí)刻。生活多姿多彩，我的生活充滿更多的愛。從失明和探討藝術(shù)中我認(rèn)識(shí)到，活在當(dāng)下是很重要的；請(qǐng)盡你所能地活在當(dāng)下吧。