為 “離巢”的孩子喝彩

by Michele Weldon

In mid-August I will be driving home in a van emptied of clothes， pillows， mini-fridge and plastic bins after dropping off my youngest son， Colin， at his dorm at the University of Iowa. It will be my ninth， solo-parent college dropoff： four times for my oldest son， Weldon， to the University of Wisconsin； four times for my middle son， Brendan， at the Ohio State University； Colins first.

Most people would say I have an empty nest. But I say， for the first time in 25 years it will be full of me. And for the record， my three sons are happy and ready to leave home. My oldest at 23 is already self-sufficient—living， working and earning a masters degree in Madrid， Spain. So for me， wishing to keep your children forever frozen in dependence， 2）thwarting their separation from you feels just plain wrong.

The U.S. National Center for Education Statistics states that 19.7 million Americans are headed to college this August and September， so supposedly millions of American parents will succumb to the woes of empty nest syndrome. While I love my sons， I find it selfish and unnatural to suspend， delay， or 3）impede their 4）forward momentum. Whose life is it anyway？

And it isnt just college that is a reason for leaving home. Many are beginning new lives—working， moving in with a partner or friends. According to the American Community Survey from the 2010 U.S. Census， 10 percent of the total population of 309 million Americans are young men and women 18-24 years old， representing roughly 31 million Americans. There are 114.5 million households in this country with children， or about one-third of all American households. Millions of those households will be“empty nests” for the first time.

And parents and adult children are 5）brainwashed to think this is a bad thing. Consider the 6）Verizon Droid commercial of the mother crying so hysterically over the fact that her daughter is moving “4.2 miles away，” that her blubbering requires subtitles.

Empty nesters are warned they will endure feelings of worthlessness and sorrow that one site declares takes 18 months to two years to 7）subside. Yes， children leaving home may affect many parents 8）deleteriously in a very real way. But considering the unemployment rate for 18-24-year-olds in this country is more than 15 percent， and the cost of college is prohibitive for many， arent the young adults who leave home for work or school the lucky ones？

All this parental 9）clinginess reminds me of the group Chicagos mid-70s song when as the youngest of six， I was off to college. The lyrics seem like a 10）contemporary parental empty nest anthem：

“If you leave me now / Youll take away the biggest part of me / No， baby please dont go.”

In her 2011 book， Empty Nest： How to Survive & Stay Close to Your Adult Child， British author Celia Dodd writes about the need to comfort all parents abandoned by grown children： “Where does that leave mothers—and increasingly fathers—who are devastated when their children leave， whether they work or not？”

This attitude may line up with the findings of a 2011 study by the Office for National Statistics in the United Kingdom， which shows a 20 percent increase in 20-34 year-olds living at home since 1997. More than three million Brits still live with mum and dad. Like their Italian 11）counterparts， called “Bamboccioni” or mostly male big babies， they live at home into their 30s， creating the generational and economic crisis of “mammisimo.” Are they staying home out of economic need or because they are afraid their parents will fall apart when they depart？

At 54， after 17 years as a single parent providing sole support， I am looking forward to being a spectator， not the managing director of my childrens lives. No matter what， I will never relinquish my completely impartial， cartoonishly robust， 12）insatiable love for my sons. They are welcome to come home if they have a problem. But I have always made it perfectly clear that optimally after graduating college they will maintain their own addresses. Brendan will graduate college in June 2013. Colin will graduate in 2016， returning home for breaks and summers and until he finds a job.

Earlier this summer I suggested Colin pick out a new paint color for the walls of his bedroom， assuming he wanted to move past the Smurf blue he insisted on years ago. Back then I had also painted white clouds on the ceiling over an ethereal blue backdrop.

“Mom，” he said， “paint the walls， but keep the clouds. I really love the clouds.”

I know； I love them too. But unlike the stereotype of empty nesters， I wont be sobbing every time I pass his empty room.

八月中旬，我將把我的小兒子科林送到艾奧瓦大學(xué)的宿舍，之后，我會開著那輛清空了衣服、枕頭、小冰箱和塑料箱子的小貨車回家。這將是我的第九個單親校園“護(hù)送”之旅：其中四次是送我的大兒子韋爾登到威斯康星大學(xué)；四次是送我的二兒子布倫登到俄亥俄州立大學(xué)；這次是第一次送科林上大學(xué)。

大多數(shù)人會說我有一個“空巢”。但我認(rèn)為，這是25年里第一次完全回歸自我。明確指出一下，我的三個兒子很樂意并且已經(jīng)做好了離家的準(zhǔn)備。我的大兒子23歲了，已經(jīng)能夠自給自足——他在西班牙的馬德里生活、工作，以及攻讀碩士。所以，我覺得如果希望永遠(yuǎn)將孩子留在身邊，不讓他們與你分離，這是大錯特錯。

美國國家教育數(shù)據(jù)統(tǒng)計中心指出，今年八月和九月將有1，970萬美國人上大學(xué)，所以按理推測將有數(shù)百萬美國家長要遭受“空巢綜合癥”的折磨。我愛我的兒子們，但我認(rèn)為延誤、推遲、或阻礙他們向前沖的行為是自私，有違常理的。那究竟是誰的人生?。?/p>

上大學(xué)也不是離家的唯一原因。許多人也因?yàn)橥度胄律睢ぷ?，與伴侶或朋友合住而離家。根據(jù)美國2010年人口普查的社區(qū)調(diào)查發(fā)現(xiàn)，美國全國30，900萬人口中有一成是18到24歲的年輕人，也就是大約有3，100萬。這個國家有11，450萬的家庭有孩子，也就是約三分之一的美國家庭。數(shù)百萬這樣的家庭將首次成為“空巢”。

而家長和這些長大了的孩子們都被洗腦了，認(rèn)為這是一件壞事?；叵胍幌峦鹕娦殴镜陌沧肯到y(tǒng)手機(jī)廣告上那個因?yàn)榕畠喊岬搅恕?.2英里外”而泣不成聲的母親吧，她竭斯底里到連哭喊的話都要用字幕來顯示。

空巢父母被警告說，他們將要忍受自感人生毫無價值的痛苦以及悲傷的感覺，有一個網(wǎng)站說得需時一年半到兩年來沉淀。的確，孩子離家會以一種很真切的方式對許多家長造成不良影響。但試想一下這個國家18到24歲這一階段人群的失業(yè)率超過15%，大學(xué)的成本對于很多人來說是上不起的，那么這些因?yàn)楣ぷ骰蛘咦x書而離家的孩子不就是幸運(yùn)的一群嗎？

這種養(yǎng)兒育女的“難舍難離”讓我想起了上世紀(jì)70年代中期芝加哥樂隊(duì)的歌。那時的我作為六兄弟姐妹中的小幺，正是離家上大學(xué)的時候。那歌詞看起來像是這一代家長的空巢圣歌：

“要是你現(xiàn)在離開我/你會帶走我最重要的那部分/不要，寶貝，請別走?！?/p>

在英國作家西莉亞·都德2011年出版的《空巢：如何克服并且與你的成年子女保持親密》一書中，她寫到有需要安撫所有被成人孩子遺棄的父母：“母親們，以及越來越多的父親們，無論是否在職，他們在孩子離家后就傷心欲絕，他們該怎么辦呢？”

這種看法或許與英國國家統(tǒng)計局2011年的一項(xiàng)調(diào)查結(jié)果相呼應(yīng)。該調(diào)查顯示，自1997年起，20到34歲的年輕人中住在家里的人數(shù)增加了兩成。超過三百萬的英國人依然和父母一起生活。就像他們的意大利同類——被稱為“媽媽的孩子”的人，或者說是大多數(shù)的“大男嬰”那樣，他們住在家里一直到三十多歲，創(chuàng)造出一代人的“寵溺媽媽”經(jīng)濟(jì)危機(jī)。這些人呆在家里是出于經(jīng)濟(jì)需要還是因?yàn)樗麄儞?dān)心父母會在他們離家后精神崩潰呢？

54歲，在經(jīng)過了17年的單親撫育生涯后，我希望當(dāng)一名觀察員，而不是孩子生活的常務(wù)董事。不管怎樣，我永不會舍棄自己對三個兒子完全均等的、強(qiáng)烈得夸張的、永不滿足的愛。要是他們遇到問題，歡迎回家。但我也總是非常清楚地表示，最好在畢業(yè)后，他們有自己的獨(dú)立住址。布倫登將在2013年六月畢業(yè)?？屏謱⒃?016年畢業(yè)，他會在短假和暑期回家，直至他找到工作為止。

這個夏天早些時候，我建議科林為他臥室的墻壁選一種新的顏色，暗自以為他想摒棄多年前他一直堅(jiān)持的那種藍(lán)精靈式的藍(lán)色。那時我還在藍(lán)色的天花背景下畫上了白色的云朵。

“媽，”他說，“把墻刷了吧，但留下那些云。我真的很喜歡這些云?！?/p>

我懂，我也愛那些云朵。但與傳統(tǒng)的空巢家長不同，我不會在每次經(jīng)過他空蕩蕩的臥室時都哭泣流涕。