兒子的獨白

Being a single mother isnt the best job in the world. Last night when I saw my sons report card， I saw all my dreams going down the drain[下水道]. My eyes ran across the words scrawled[潦草地寫] by the teacher in bright red：“Slow learner. Needs to improve，” “Much behind the other students in math，” “Fails to interact[互動] with other students.” I could see all my plans for a bright career for my son as a doctor or an engineer vanishing into thin air[完全消失]. I had thrown all my hopes and lifes ambition[抱負(fù)] behind his future success， and he couldnt even make it through sixth grade. I lost my temper and yelled， and my son stared sullenly[陰沉地] back at me. What exasperated[激怒] me the most was that he never uttered[發(fā)出] a single word， never gave me any reason.

Later， while I was running the duster[撣子] across the desk， my eyes suddenly fell on a piece of crumpled[弄皺的] paper. I could recognize my sons handwriting on it：

Mama，

I wonder if you will ever really understand me. I understand your anger at my grades today， but， Mama， I try， I really do. I think there must be something wrong with me. However much I try， I never manage to get it right. I wanna make you happy， Mama. I want you to be as proud of me as Johns mom is when he tops the class， or Sherrys ma is when she bags the first prize in singing. I wish I were the kind of son you could be proud of.

But sadly， I am not.

But， Mama， when you say I will never be a “good” person， I dont know what you mean. Is it only good grades that make a person good or bad？ Miss Robinson says that I have beauty of heart， but I wonder why you never notice it. I wonder how many times you noticed me helping an old neighbor cross the street， or slipping my weeks pocket money to the old beggar down the street who has no clothes for winter. I walked to school for a week because of that， as the money included my bus fare[費用] too. I thought I was doing something to be proud of， but when I came running home to tell you about it， you just curtly[敷衍地] nodded your head and told me to go do my homework. I guess what I did wasnt something very great.

Mama， I love you and wish you could be proud of me. Proud of what I am. Proud of the little things I achieve. I have no one other than you， and I want to make you happy. But I guess I am not good enough for that. Watering grandpas garden every week and buying groceries[雜貨] for grandma isnt as important as doing math. But， Mama， I wish you could understand； they are so old and frail[虛弱的]， I couldnt resist offering to help them a bit.

I just wish you would understand and be proud of me… I wonder how often you noticed me giving up my seat in the train to an elderly lady…

I couldnt read the last lines of the note as my eyes had filled with unshed tears. It wasnt my son who was a failure， it was me. I took out a piece of paper and wrote：

I am sorry about yesterday. I am proud of you. Anyone would be. You have a heart two sizes larger than anyone else I know. I just hope you understand I love you more than anything， and that moms make mistakes too. I just hope you understand…

Love，

Mama

單身媽媽并不是什么好差事。昨晚當(dāng)我看到兒子的成績單，我也看到自己所有的美夢全都順著下水道沖走了。老師那鮮紅潦草的評語在我眼前一晃而過：“學(xué)習(xí)跟不上，需改進(jìn)”、“數(shù)學(xué)比其他同學(xué)差了一截”、“無法與同學(xué)進(jìn)行交流”。我仿佛看見我給兒子設(shè)定的美好職業(yè)規(guī)劃都化為泡影了——我還指望他當(dāng)上醫(yī)生或者工程師呢。我拋棄了全部希望和人生抱負(fù)，只求他將來獲得成功，而他竟然連六年級都念不下去。我發(fā)飆了，朝他大叫大嚷，而我兒子只是灰溜溜地看著我。最讓我火冒三丈的是他居然一直沒吭聲，也沒向我作出解釋。

后來當(dāng)我的撣子掃過書桌時，我突然看見一張皺巴巴的紙。我認(rèn)出那是兒子的字跡——

媽媽：

我在想你會不會理解我。我知道你今天看到我的成績很生氣，但是，媽媽，我盡力了，我真的盡力了。我想我一定有問題。不管我怎么努力，我老是沒辦法答對。我想讓你高興，媽媽。我想讓你為我感到驕傲，就像約翰取得全班第一時他媽媽那樣自豪，或者像謝麗獲得歌唱比賽第一名時她媽媽那樣驕傲。我真希望我是那種讓你引以為榮的兒子。

可惜我不是。

但是，媽媽，你說我不會成為“好人”，我不明白你的意思。難道只有好成績才能決定一個人是好還是壞嗎？魯濱遜小姐說我有心靈美，但我不知道你為什么從沒看到這一點。我不知道你有沒有看到我經(jīng)常攙扶年邁的鄰居過馬路，或者偷偷地把一周的零花錢送給大街上那位沒有衣服過冬的老乞丐。為了這件事，我整整一星期都得走路上學(xué)，因為那些錢里包括了我的車費。我以為這是值得驕傲的好事，但是當(dāng)我跑回家告訴你時，你只是敷衍地點點頭，叫我去做作業(yè)。我猜那并不是什么了不起的事情吧。

媽媽，我愛你，我希望你能為我感到驕傲，為這樣的我感到驕傲，為我所做的小小的好事感到驕傲。你是我唯一的親人，我想讓你開開心心。不過，我想我還不夠好，所以你不高興。每星期去外公的花園幫忙澆水或者幫外婆買東西都沒有學(xué)好數(shù)學(xué)那么重要。但是，媽媽，我希望你能理解我，他們年紀(jì)大了，身體不好，我實在忍不住要去幫幫忙。

我只希望你能理解我，為我感到驕傲…… 我在列車上經(jīng)常給老太太讓座，不知道你有沒有看到……

還沒看完這封信，幾乎奪眶而出的淚水便模糊了我的雙眼。我的兒子并非一無是處，我才是。我拿出一張紙寫道——

昨天很對不起。你真讓我驕傲。所有人都會為你感到驕傲。你的心胸比我認(rèn)識的人都要寬廣。我只希望你能明白我愛你勝過一切，而且媽媽也會犯錯。我希望你能理解我……

愛你的

媽媽