父愛從未缺席

Every morning at approximately 8：48 a.m.， I pass it—the brick building that I visited many times as a child and that once seemed so grand， now a miniature playhouse in my mind.

My father used to live there， along with 549 other inmates. When Id visit， as I often did， wed chat and laugh—through a glass wall， telephones in hand.

For me， it was normal. It was all I knew. And I relished connecting with him. It was one of the most important relationships in my life， and still is today.

Experts say the years before you turn 5 are the most important. I must be lucky then. The day he was arrested on drug-related charges， the day I smiled at the policeman in our home， the day that everything changed was six months before my sixth birthday.

Over the years， the weekly commutes to visit my father became rituals. Eventually， after several years， we were allowed real visits when he was moved to a lower-security facility—the kind of visits where you can hug and tickle， where a conversations connection doesnt depend on the distorted and crackly voice coming through the telephone， where words can be freely exchanged without the clock ticking， reminding you that time is slipping， moving faster than it should， faster than youd like.

Weve always shared a sense of understanding， my father and I. We can look at one another and know what the other is thinking. We get each other.

Youd think his absence would have prevented him from making rules， enforcing discipline and participating in the day-to-day of my childhood， but that wasnt so. He wrote me every week， and I often go back and read whats left of the folded， disintegrating letters. Hed tell me stories and Id draw him fashion designs.

In person， wed talk， not just speak. His life lessons， never cliché but always earnest， struck a chord with me and I soaked up every word. He told me that not having a father had been a detriment to his ego and that hed overcompensated by feeling infallible well into his 30s. He spoke of the shame hed caused his family and how there were times when he almost cracked， being isolated from his family， from love， from who he used to be.

Other children looked forward to Saturdays， long stretches of time when their fathers would take them to swimming or hockey lessons， to the park for a walk or for an ice-cream cone. I could barely sleep with anticipation， getting up as early as 5 a.m. to hop in the car for the two-hour drive ahead.

The ice cream I was missing paled in comparison with the sweet joy of simply “being” with my dad. To have our chats， to share outdoor barbecues with my father and other families who would gather. Most children have school friends and neighbourhood friends. I had those too， but I also had my jail friends， the girls and boys with whom I would run around and play tag， not truly comprehending why these individuals probably understood me and my life far better than anyone else.

My mother， who had long since separated from my father， would often ask me about my feelings， trying to uncover some inadequacy I felt， pressing for details and expressions that might make sense. How could I be okay？

But how could I not？ As a child， the word jail means nothing， and this proved itself when my stepmother broke the news to me a few months after my fathers arrest. She took me for an ice cream， and as we sat in her car in the parking lot， she explained why the police had been at our home， what it all meant， how my father would not be returning any time soon.

Yes， I cried， but only because I thought I was supposed to. I couldnt comprehend the magnitude. I just did what all kids learn to do around this age， intuitively gauge what an adult wants from you and serve it up， all the while holding ones breath while waiting for approval.

I was 11 when my father finally came home. I learned all about responsibility when he signed me up for a part-time job serving ice cream at the beach. I acted excited， though like most 11-year-olds， all I wanted to do was park myself in front of the television all summer long. But I wanted to please him， wanted to earn those extra smiles， all the ones Id missed.

Years later， as I stare out the window while I pass that brick building on my daily commute to work， I often wonder if I lost something， if those special years that others had with their fathers， the ones I didnt， harmed me in some way. Am I really that different？ Do I have attachment issues？

I still live at home， but so does every other twentysomething I know. They still enjoy home-cooked meals， pristinely arranged households and all bills paid for by their parents.

When I think about moving out， I know its not time yet. Its not the conveniences that come from living a life almost free of responsibility， although thats a bonus.

Im not ready to give up the small inner burst of joy I get every morning when my dad pops his head into my bedroom and says， “Morning， Mini，” a nickname Ive kept far too many years. I growl and tell him to “get out！” since its hours before I need to get up. But I cant help smiling.

每天早晨，大約8點(diǎn)48分的時(shí)候，我都會(huì)路過那棟磚砌的建筑。小時(shí)候，我曾經(jīng)多次造訪過那里。那時(shí)，這棟樓看起來是那么威嚴(yán)宏大，可如今它在我心里就像一個(gè)微型的玩具小屋。

我父親就曾住在那里，和其他549名囚犯生活在一起。我常常去探望他，每次去時(shí)，我們都有說有笑——只不過我和他之間隔著一堵玻璃墻，每人手里拿著電話。

對我來說，這種交流方式很正常。因?yàn)槲宜赖慕涣鞣绞骄褪沁@樣的。我喜歡這么和他聊天。那時(shí)候，和父親的交流是我生命中最重要的情感寄托之一，直至今天也是如此。

專家說，每個(gè)人五歲之前的經(jīng)歷對其成長是最為重要的。要這么說的話，我肯定是幸運(yùn)的。因?yàn)榫驮诟赣H因毒品案被捕的那一天、我沖著那個(gè)闖進(jìn)我家的警察微笑的那一天、我的生活從此完全改變的那一天，我已經(jīng)五歲半了。

那之后許多年，我每星期都會(huì)坐車去探望父親，這已經(jīng)成為一種習(xí)慣。終于，在幾年后，父親被轉(zhuǎn)到一所防衛(wèi)不那么嚴(yán)格的監(jiān)獄，我們這才被允許“真正”地探望他：我們可以互相擁抱，互相胳肢；可以直接對話而不再依賴電話里那種有些失真又沙啞的聲音；可以自由地交談，沒有時(shí)鐘在一旁嘀嗒嘀嗒，提醒我們時(shí)間在一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)溜走，而且那時(shí)鐘總是走得特別快，比你希望得快。

父親和我之間一直有那么一種默契。我們看著對方，就知道彼此心里在想什么。我們心有靈犀。

也許你會(huì)覺得，既然父親沒在家，他肯定沒辦法給我立規(guī)矩或是管教我，在我的童年生活里，他肯定也沒辦法天天陪著我，但實(shí)際情況卻并非如此。他每個(gè)星期都會(huì)給我寫信，那些留著的信現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)折痕累累、支離破碎，但我還時(shí)常回過頭去讀一讀。他會(huì)在信里給我講故事，而我會(huì)給他畫服裝設(shè)計(jì)的圖樣。

見面的時(shí)候，我們會(huì)傾心交談，而不僅僅是閑聊瞎扯。他會(huì)和我分享他的人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)，句句真摯中肯，從不老生常談，他說的每一個(gè)字都讓我深感共鳴，我把這些話牢記心間。他告訴我，他從小沒有父親，這讓他的自尊深受傷害，而三十多歲時(shí)，他又走到另一個(gè)極端，過于自信，覺得自己永遠(yuǎn)是正確的。他還談到自己的所作所為讓家人蒙受的恥辱，他說自己好幾次都幾近崩潰——因?yàn)檫h(yuǎn)離家人，遠(yuǎn)離關(guān)愛，無法做回曾經(jīng)的自己。

別的孩子們都盼著過周六，期待在那長長的閑暇時(shí)間里，他們的父親會(huì)帶他們?nèi)W(xué)游泳或上曲棍球課，去公園里散步或買冰淇淋甜筒。而我每周五晚會(huì)因滿心期待而難以入睡，周六早上我會(huì)五點(diǎn)起床，跳上汽車，然后坐兩個(gè)小時(shí)的車去探望父親。

不過，只要能和父親“待”在一起，我就感到甜蜜而快樂，相比之下，沒吃上冰淇淋就顯得微不足道了。我可以和父親聊天，和父親以及其他周末在這個(gè)地方相聚的家庭一起在戶外燒烤。大多數(shù)孩子的朋友是學(xué)校的同學(xué)或是附近的鄰居。我也有這樣的朋友，但我還有一幫在監(jiān)獄里結(jié)識的伙伴。這些伙伴中有男孩也有女孩，我們一起東奔西跑，一起玩捉人游戲，那時(shí)我并沒有真正理解，為什么這些孩子可能會(huì)比其他人更能理解我和我的生活。

很久以前，母親就和父親離婚了。她總是問我對父親入獄這件事有什么感受，盡力尋找每一個(gè)可能有意義的細(xì)節(jié)和表情，試圖證明我是感覺受傷害了的。她想不明白我怎么可能一點(diǎn)兒事兒都沒有呢？ 可我為什么就不能感覺良好呢？對于一個(gè)孩子來說，“監(jiān)獄”這個(gè)詞沒有任何意義。這一點(diǎn)，從父親被捕幾個(gè)月后繼母告訴我這個(gè)消息時(shí)我的反應(yīng)上就能看出來。她帶我去買了一個(gè)冰淇淋，然后，在停車場里，我們坐在她的車上時(shí)，她向我解釋了警察為什么會(huì)來我家，這一切都意味著什么，以及父親為何在短時(shí)間內(nèi)不能回家了。

沒錯(cuò)，我哭了，但那只是因?yàn)槲矣X得我應(yīng)該哭。我那時(shí)無法理解這件事情的嚴(yán)重性。我只是做了所有大概這個(gè)年齡的孩子都會(huì)做的事：憑直覺估計(jì)一下大人希望你怎么做，然后把它做出來，同時(shí)屏住呼吸，等著大人的認(rèn)可。

我11歲那年，父親終于刑滿回家了。他給我報(bào)名，讓我去應(yīng)聘了一份在沙灘上賣冰淇淋的兼職工作，這份工作讓我徹底了解了什么是責(zé)任。我當(dāng)時(shí)假裝很激動(dòng)，但其實(shí)像大多數(shù)11歲的孩子一樣，我只想整個(gè)夏天都坐在電視機(jī)前度過。但是我想讓他高興，想多看到他笑，想把我錯(cuò)過的那些笑容都補(bǔ)回來。

多年以后，當(dāng)我每天乘車上班途經(jīng)那棟磚砌的建筑時(shí)，都會(huì)從車窗向外凝望，此時(shí)我經(jīng)常問自己，我是否錯(cuò)失過什么？在那特別的幾年里，別的孩子可以和他們的父親一起度過，但我卻沒有父親陪伴，這是否對我造成了這樣或那樣的傷害呢？我真的那么與眾不同嗎？我在情感方面有沒有什么問題？

我現(xiàn)在還和父母住在一起，但我認(rèn)識的其他二十多歲的年輕人也都和父母一起住。他們還是很喜歡吃家里做的飯菜，喜歡家里一切都收拾得整齊干凈，更喜歡父母幫他們付清所有的賬單。

我也考慮過搬出去住，但我知道還不是時(shí)候。不過，這并不是因?yàn)檫@種幾乎不需要負(fù)任何責(zé)任的生活給我?guī)砹撕芏啾憷?，雖然這種便利是額外的獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)。

我不愿意搬出去住，是因?yàn)槲疫€沒有準(zhǔn)備好放棄每天早上父親突然探頭到我的臥室，沖我喊“早安，米妮（一個(gè)我叫了好多年的小名）！”時(shí)，我心里迸發(fā)出來的那點(diǎn)小小的快樂。我會(huì)很生氣地朝他大吼“出去！”，因?yàn)殡x我該起床的時(shí)間還有好幾個(gè)小時(shí)呢。但每當(dāng)此時(shí)，我都會(huì)忍不住地微笑起來。