學(xué)得好,嫁得好

Today women earn almost 60 percent of all bachelors degrees and more than half of masters and Ph.D.s.2 Many people believe that, while this may be good for women as income earners, it bodes ill for their marital prospects.3

American women face “a radically shrinking pool of what are traditionally considered to be ‘marriageable men—those who are better educated and earn more than they do.”4 Educated women worry that they are scaring away potential partners, and pundits claim that those who do marry will end up with unsatisfactory matches.5 They point to outdated studies suggesting that women with higher earnings than their husbands do more housework to compensate for the threat to their mates egos.6

Is this really the fate facing educated heterosexual7 women: either no marriage at all or a marriage with more housework? Nonsense8. That may have been the case in the past, but no longer. For a woman seeking a satisfying relationship as well as a secure economic future, there has never been a better time to be or become highly educated.

For more than a century, women often were forced to choose between an education and a husband. Of women who graduated from college before 1900, more than three-quarters remained single. As late as 1950, one-third of white female college graduates ages 55 to 59 had never married, compared with only 7 percent of their counterparts9 without college degrees.

Some of these women chose to stay single, of course, and that choice has always been easier and more rewarding for educated women. But the low marriage rates of educated women in the past were also because of the romantic and sexual prejudices of men.

That is exactly what happened in the mid-20th century. From 1940 to the mid-1970s, the tendency for men to marry down educationally became more pronounced and the cultural ideal of hypergamy—that women must marry up—became more insistent.10

Postwar dating manuals advised women to “play dumb” to catch a man11—and 40 percent of college women in one survey said they actually did so. Men in the postwar period were threatened by the thought of a woman with more or even as much education as they had.

But over the past 30 years, these prejudices have largely disappeared. By 1996, intelligence and education had moved up to No. 5 on mens ranking of desirable qualities in a mate. The desire for a good cook and housekeeper had dropped to 14th place, near the bottom of the 18-point scale. The sociologist Christine B. Whelan reports that by 2008, mens interest in a womans education and intelligence had risen to No. 4, just after mutual attraction, dependable character and emotional stability.12

The result has been a historic reversal of what the economist Elaina Rose calls the “success” penalty for educated women.13 By 2008, the percentage of college-educated white women ages 55 to 59 who had never been married was down to 9 percent, just 3 points higher than their counterparts without college degrees. And among women 35 to 39, there was no longer any difference in the percentage who were married.

African-American women are less likely to marry than white women overall, but educated black women are considerably more likely to marry than their less-educated counterparts. As of 2008, 70 percent of African-American female college graduates had married, compared with 60 percent of high school graduates and just 53 percent of high school dropouts14.

One reason educated heterosexual women may worry about their marriage prospects today is that overall marriage rates have been slipping since 1980. But they have slipped less for educated women than for anyone else. Furthermore, college-educated women, once they do marry, are much less likely to divorce. As a result, by age 30, and especially at ages 35 and 40, college-educated women are significantly more likely to be married than any other group. And according to calculations15 by the economist Betsey Stevenson, an educated woman still single at age 40 is much more likely to marry in the next decade than her less educated counterparts.

Even for women who dont marry, its better to be educated; a 2002 study found that never-married white women with more education than average lived “the longest, healthiest lives of all groups.”

One of the dire16 predictions about educated women is true: today, more of them are “marrying down.” Almost 30 percent of wives today have more education than their husbands, while less than 20 percent of husbands have more education than their wives, almost the exact reverse of the percentages in 1970. But there is not a shred of17 evidence that such marriages are any less satisfying than marriages in which men have equal or higher education than their wives. Indeed, they have many benefits for women.

Certainly, some guys are still threatened by a womans achievements. But scaring these types off might be a good thing. The men most likely to feel emotional and physical distress when their wives have a higher status or income tend to be those who are more invested in their identity as breadwinners than as partners and who define success in materialistic ways.18 Both these traits are associated with lower marital quality.

The most important predictor of marital happiness for a woman is not how much she looks up to her husband but how sensitive he is to her emotional cues and how willing he is to share the housework and child-care.19 And those traits are often easier to find in a low-key guy than a powerhouse.20

I am not arguing that women ought to “settle21.” I am arguing that we can now expect more of a mate than we could when we depended on men for our financial security, social status and sense of accomplishment.

1. M.R.S.:=Mrs.，夫人，太太（跟已婚婦女談話或通信時用于其姓氏之前的尊稱）；Ph.D.: 博士。

2. bachelor: 學(xué)士；master: 碩士。

3. 許多人相信，盡管這也許有助于女性的收入增長，但對他們的婚姻前景卻不利。bode ill: 兇多吉少。

4. 美國女性面臨著“傳統(tǒng)上認(rèn)為的‘適婚男性銳減的狀況——這些男性接受的教育更高，賺得也比她們多?！?/p>

5. scare away: 把……嚇跑；potential: 有可能的；pundit: 權(quán)威，專家；match:婚姻。

6. outdated: 過時的；compensate for: 補(bǔ)償；ego: 自尊。

7. heterosexual: 異性戀的。

8. nonsense: 荒謬的想法/看法。

9. counterpart: 與對方地位相當(dāng)?shù)娜恕?/p>

10. 從1940年至20世紀(jì)70年代中期，男性娶的女性受教育程度沒自己高的趨勢更加顯著，高攀（指女性嫁給受教育程度比自己好的男性）的文化理想也愈加引人注目。

11. manual: 指南；play dumb: 裝傻。

12. 社會學(xué)家Christine B. Whelan稱：到2008年，男性對女性受教育程度和智力的興趣已經(jīng)上升到第四位了，僅次于相互吸引、可靠的品質(zhì)和情感的穩(wěn)定性。

13. reversal: 反轉(zhuǎn)，倒轉(zhuǎn)；penalty: 懲罰。

14. dropout: 輟學(xué)者。

15. calculation: 估計，預(yù)測。

16. dire: 災(zāi)難的，可怕的。

17. shred of sth.: 一丁點(diǎn)，絲毫。

18. distress: 憂慮，苦惱；breadwinner: 掙錢養(yǎng)家的人。

19. predictor: 預(yù)示物；cue: 暗示。

20. low-key: 低調(diào)的；powerhouse:權(quán)貴。

21. settle:（使）平靜，（使）安定。

閱讀感評

當(dāng)今的女性普遍推遲結(jié)婚年齡，或者在人們以為最佳的婚姻機(jī)會期選擇單身，理由當(dāng)然有很多，但據(jù)我觀察，比較關(guān)鍵的幾項恐怕是女性越來越看重教育、職業(yè)以及獨(dú)立性，女性似乎也學(xué)會了過去男性所遵循“先立業(yè)再成家”的訓(xùn)誡，而這是需要時間與精力去完成的。

然而，婚育的后延并不意味著當(dāng)今女性的生活或婚姻質(zhì)量一定會受到多大的影響，即便獨(dú)身也非世界的末日，畢竟當(dāng)今的女性有著更多更自由的選擇，不再是“非此即彼”了。雖然老傳統(tǒng)認(rèn)為“女子無才便是德”、“有學(xué)位的女人最難伺候”、“Never flirt with women with glasses (‘別與戴眼鏡的女人調(diào)情‘，即‘別招惹知識女性)”，但這個世界不管你承認(rèn)不承認(rèn)，女性的崛起（rise of women）以及傳統(tǒng)男性強(qiáng)勢地位的相對式微（decline of males）已是社會發(fā)展的趨勢。在傳統(tǒng)社會里，女性把婚姻當(dāng)作維持基本生活的靠山，所謂“嫁漢、嫁漢，穿衣吃飯”即是，其角色是充當(dāng)賢妻良母，核心任務(wù)是相夫教子。然而，到了現(xiàn)代時期，女性在家庭中的地位發(fā)生了根本變化，所謂“女主內(nèi)，男主外”甚至“妻管嚴(yán)”即為寫照。到了最近幾十年，更多的女性更是顯示了良好的教育與出色的能力，不再滿足于在家庭里“當(dāng)家”，更愿意到社會上一展身手，成就不凡，于是女領(lǐng)導(dǎo)、女富豪越來越多，而且妻子的收入比丈夫多甚至妻子成為家庭主要的經(jīng)濟(jì)來源也就并不罕見了。

其實，更加強(qiáng)大的女性能為另一半分擔(dān)社會的壓力，何嘗不是男性的福分！在此方面，以男性為中心、崇尚男權(quán)的東方社會往往難以接受，尤其是深受男尊女卑等儒家傳統(tǒng)思想浸染的東亞人更是不予認(rèn)同。一些年前，我曾經(jīng)從我的法語外教處聽說一位摩洛哥男性在法國的不幸遭遇。一位法國女孩大學(xué)畢業(yè)后去摩洛哥教法語，愛上了一位摩洛哥青年，并結(jié)了婚。摩洛哥青年也是大學(xué)畢業(yè)，并有一個收入不錯且體面的工作，小兩口生活得很是幸福。但幾年后，法國女孩合同到期，說服丈夫與她一同回到法國。妻子很快找到了工作，但丈夫的求職之路卻異常艱辛，一直找不到合適的工作，于是這位摩洛哥丈夫只得居家做家務(wù)，而妻子工作養(yǎng)家糊口。沒過多久，摩洛哥人由于抑郁而精神失常。

對類似的“尷尬”境地，素來有尊重婦女傳統(tǒng)再加以經(jīng)歷20世紀(jì)60年代婦女解放運(yùn)動洗禮的西方人接受起來就會灑脫得多。2011年，美國的一項調(diào)查顯示，美國女性入職比例首次超過男性；此前一年，還有一項數(shù)據(jù)對男性不利：22—30歲之間的單身無子女職場人士，女性比男性的收入平均高8%；而2012年，據(jù)原文作者稱，60%多的學(xué)士學(xué)位、半數(shù)以上的碩士和博士學(xué)位都是由女性獲得的?？傊?，男性不管在教育、職業(yè)還是收入上都每況愈下，前景堪憂。對此，美國男性似乎并未顯得手足無措，而是予以認(rèn)同，并與時俱進(jìn)地在擇偶標(biāo)準(zhǔn)上把女方的“intelligence and education”往上挪了好多位，高居老四，硬生生地把男性本來非常重視的“美貌”擠到了第八位。

女性擺脫傳統(tǒng)社會設(shè)定的種種框框的壓抑，融入社會的進(jìn)程，不僅是一種進(jìn)步，而且對于男性，如果能拋棄以老大自居的臭架子，也是有百利而無一害的。男女如果在教育、社會地位乃至經(jīng)濟(jì)上能更為平等，那么她們在婚姻上最終就不會對“marrying up”“marrying down”斤斤計較了，于是能力、體貌、錢袋子不怎么出眾的男性就會有更多的機(jī)會。當(dāng)然，這并不是說男性從此就不必奮斗專等“吃軟飯”的機(jī)會了。我們看好的是這可能會導(dǎo)致更純粹的婚姻，其真諦無非是一種相互的陪伴與各自承擔(dān)的責(zé)任，一種不同性別間能力互補(bǔ)的伙伴關(guān)系，而非利益與虛榮的交易場所。