高考作文習(xí)作點(diǎn)評(píng)（26）

★ 2009年高考英語(yǔ)(全國(guó)卷I)作文題目★

第二節(jié) 書(shū)面表達(dá)(滿(mǎn)分25分)

假定你是李華，正在英國(guó)接受英語(yǔ)培訓(xùn)，住在一戶(hù)英國(guó)人家里。今天你的房東Mrs Wilson不在家，你準(zhǔn)備外出，請(qǐng)給Mrs Wilson寫(xiě)一留言條，內(nèi)容包括:

1. 外出購(gòu)物;

2. 替房東還書(shū);

3. Tracy來(lái)電話(huà)留言:

①咖啡屋(Bolton Coffee)見(jiàn)面取消;

②此事已告知Susan;

③盡快回電。

注意:1. 詞數(shù)100左右;

2. 可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫。

學(xué)生習(xí)作與點(diǎn)評(píng)

學(xué)生習(xí)作

Mrs Wilson，

1There is something important that you should know.

2Firstly， I am going out shopping with my friend Mary this morning and will come back late this evening. 2Secondly， I will return the books to the library， 3which were borrowed by you last week. In addition， Tracy 4have called you and left a message， 5which is said the plan of she meeting with you 6in Bolton Coffee was canceled because she had to attend her cousin's wedding that day， and she asked me to apologize to you. Susan was informed of this change too. Finally， Tracy asked you to 7recall her as soon as possible.

8That's all the importance of today.

Have a nice day!

Li Hua

原文修改稿

Mrs Wilson，

I am going out shopping with my friend Mary this morning and will come back late this evening. I will return the books that you borrowed last week to the library. In addition， Tracy called you and left a message， saying that the meeting at Bolton Coffee was canceled because she had to attend her cousin's wedding that day， and she asked me to apologize to you. Susan was informed of this change too. Finally， Tracy asked you to call her back as soon as possible.

Have a nice day!

Li Hua

整體點(diǎn)評(píng)

文章涵蓋了題目要求的所有要點(diǎn)內(nèi)容，也適當(dāng)增加了一些細(xì)節(jié)(例如留言要點(diǎn)1中的“going out shopping with my friend Mary this morning and will come back late this evening ”、要點(diǎn)3中的“because she had to attend her cousin's wedding that day” 和“and she also asked me to say sorry to you”等)。但是，文章的整體風(fēng)格過(guò)于正式，尤其是文中開(kāi)頭第一句和倒數(shù)第二句不符合英語(yǔ)留言條的表達(dá)方式。 留言條英語(yǔ)在表達(dá)中比較隨意，內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)短，開(kāi)門(mén)見(jiàn)山，用詞通俗，把事情說(shuō)清、讓人明白就行，在格式上也比較簡(jiǎn)單。值得表?yè)P(yáng)的是作者使用了一些高級(jí)詞匯和句型。遺憾的是，文中仍存在不少語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，作者的寫(xiě)作基本功還需進(jìn)一步加強(qiáng)。

難點(diǎn)分析

1.此處沒(méi)有語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，但不是地道的英語(yǔ)留言條的表達(dá)方式，這句話(huà)可以刪掉。

2. Firstly和secondly來(lái)陳述留言的內(nèi)容，顯得有些程式化，英語(yǔ)留言條中很少使用這樣的詞匯，這兩個(gè)詞可以刪掉。

3. 此處which引導(dǎo)的定語(yǔ)從句修飾先行詞books，但定語(yǔ)從句的引導(dǎo)詞一般離它所修飾的先行詞不能太遠(yuǎn)，所以此句話(huà)應(yīng)調(diào)整一下語(yǔ)序，使用限定性定語(yǔ)從句。(見(jiàn)原文修改稿)

4.此處時(shí)態(tài)使用錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)使用一般過(guò)去時(shí)called。

5.此處語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤較多，容易給讀者造成閱讀障礙。“Which is said”的表述是錯(cuò)誤的，此處表達(dá)的是主動(dòng)語(yǔ)態(tài)，而非被動(dòng)語(yǔ)態(tài);“the plan of she meeting with you”是中式英語(yǔ)，表達(dá)繁瑣。此句話(huà)有兩種改法，一種是用which引導(dǎo)的定語(yǔ)從句“which said that the meeting at Bolton Coffee was canceled”;一種是原文修改稿采用的分詞結(jié)構(gòu)“saying that the meeting at Bolton Coffee was canceled”。

6. 介詞使用錯(cuò)誤，在小地方應(yīng)用at，而不是in。

7. 詞匯使用錯(cuò)誤，recall表示“回憶，記起”的意思，“給……回電話(huà)”應(yīng)用“call sb. back”。

8. 這句話(huà)與難點(diǎn)分析1存在同樣的問(wèn)題，應(yīng)刪掉。

參考范文

Mrs Wilson，

I am going out for shopping with my friend Lily this afternoon and will 1not come back until 8:00 p.m.， so please do not prepare dinner for me. Just now， your friend Tracy called， 2saying that Sunday's appointment at Bolton Coffee was canceled because she had to attend her cousin's wedding that day. She said that she had informed Susan about this change. Finally， she hoped that you could call her back as soon as possible.

3In addition， I have taken the books that you asked me to return to the library with me and I will return them for you.

Have a nice day!

Li Hua

參考句型

1. Not...until:“直到……才……”，注意“not until...”這一結(jié)構(gòu)也經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)，當(dāng)“not until...”結(jié)構(gòu)在句首出現(xiàn)時(shí)，句子要倒裝。(例:Not until the early years of the 19th century did man know what heat was.)

2. Saying that...:分詞結(jié)構(gòu)作狀語(yǔ)(相當(dāng)于which said that...)，增加了句式的變化。

3. In addition:“另外，除此以外”，表示補(bǔ)充含義的連接詞，使語(yǔ)句銜接更為緊湊。

有用的表達(dá)方式

1. appointment n. 約會(huì)

The latest cell phones have features such as games， music and an electronic calendar that will remind you about appointments and important dates.

2. cancelv. 取消

I even thought of canceling my trip when I heard about it.

When she found out that Godfrey had heavy debts and only wanted to marry her for her money， she canceled the wedding.

3. informv. 通知

Please inform us of any change of address as soon as possible. (朗文當(dāng)代高級(jí)英語(yǔ)辭典)

The driver informing us of the accident quit his job a week later.

4. attendv. 參加

Children who live on farms do not like to attend school.

In the letter， the girl explained that she had gone to Britain to attend an international meeting for disabled people and apologized for not having replied sooner.

5. in addition (to) 另外，除此以外

In addition， the First Officer used the old signal CQD code instead of the new SOS code.

In addition to visiting traditional tourist spots in Europe and America， these travelers are also exploring new destinations closer to home.

●提示:in addition是副詞詞組，主要用于語(yǔ)句或者段落之間的連接，在使用時(shí)，in addition后面一般要加逗號(hào)。In addition to 是介詞詞組，to后面一般跟名詞性結(jié)構(gòu)。

(注:文中未標(biāo)明出處的例句均選自高中課本)